What Would You Do?

Remember when City High thought it would be a good idea to write a song about Loni? I certainly hope she isn't a real girl. Could you imagine how pissed she would be when her friend comes over and is like, "Hey, Loni! Did you hear that new City High song?" followed with, "Didn't you go to school with that guy?"

I'd be fuming.

So what would you do?

First off, I wouldn't start my music video with some horrible little skit that everyone skips anyways.

Secondly, I wouldn't be taking my clothes off for money, maybe putting more on.

Third, I wouldn't unload my personal shit on a guy I went to high school with when I run into him again at the local titty show. Nor would I even go outside with him. That's just a dangerous situation right there...clearly Loni doesn't have street sense.

To be honest, it sounds like Loni made some poor mistakes. We all make them, but if every day she wakes up hoping she'll die, then she has bigger issues than shaking her jugs down at the old thong-club. She needs to talk to someone, and not some sketchy guy who is shoving fives in her g-string.

And should she be taking advice from this drunk guy slobbering over her jiggly ass, really? Really? I wouldn't. I'd be like. "Uh, it's Saturday and your liquor is over flowing your cup. And you're grinding with four or five strippers, what would you know?"

Not only that, but maybe he should get off of his high horse. Who's he to judge her?

I'll tell you what I would do if my son was at home, crying on the floor cause he's hungry. I'd go to my parents/friends and say, "Listen here, I got myself into a pickle, could you help me out?" And, if I hadn't burned all my bridges, they would give me some food for my little rug rat.

At least Loni served it up cold. For him, it was just a good time, but for her...it was what she called life. I think she needs to reevaluate her options.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

While sitting at work, I started to ponder Pat Benatar and got to thinking, she sure had some emo songs. Then I got the song Hit Me With Your Best Shot in my head. I wonder how many times douchebag-Dans went up to her and said, "I'll hit you with my best shot." For some reason, it sounds so much dirtier in this day and age. Probably because a wad of cum is considered a shot. Disgusting.

I would pay money to see Pat roundhouse kick a guy with a mullet in the face.

And not just a buck, I would pay a fair amount.

I wonder what Pat is up to these days. I wonder if she needs work. I think I just came up with a new reality TV show. Hit Me With Your Best Shot--random guys stuck in the eighties vs Pat Benatar.

What do you think?

My money is on Pat. She looks tough. And she most likely just got tougher with age.

An Open Letter to Bret Michaels.

Dear Bret Michaels,

Let me start off by saying, I'm a fan. However, I'll admit, I really had no idea who you were until you started doing "Rock of Love".

So, today, my friend Tina (Perhaps you know her. No? Well you should. She's wearing a 90210 t-shirt today and it's fantastic.) were discussing your career. You see, I haven't been able to stop talking about you since watching your "Behind the Music" special last week. Like I said, I'm a fan.

I had expressed desire to see you in concert and pretty much the only way Tina said she'd go was if you held a free concert in Bear Creek Park - which is a big park in our hometown of Surrey, BC. I'm pretty sure you're familiar with Surrey - about 90% of your groupies are born here.

Quite frankly, Bret, I don't think this is too much to ask for.

And knowing your kind and generous nature, I'm 100% positive that you'll agree to this.

So, to save you time and headache, I've gone ahead and penciled it into your schedule for you. I chose July 14, as it is my birthday.

So, on July 14th, Tina and I will be waiting for you in Bear Creek Park. I'm sure that you'll show us "Nothing but a good Time."

Sincerely,

Christene.

TMNT

Fuck we suck at keeping this blog up. I blame Christene, she thinks she is better than this place, and I don't. No, I couldn't be as cool as this blog even if my underwear were tied died and I colored my air with smelly felts. Yeah you assholes know what I am talking about.

The last couple of months I have partaken in watching old movies. I watched The Karate Kid, RoboCop, Terminator and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And you know what? I came to the conclusion, they just don't make movies like these anymore. No way. They are so chalked full of effects and fancy actors these days. It really sucks. I like watching movies where I have to use my imagination to believe. Where I have to put my rational thinking to the side for an hour and a half. Suspend reality and what not. Now, the movies are so fancy I am transported to whatever time and place they want me to exist in.

Oh yeah, an hour and a half, remember when movies were no longer than ninety minutes. Now we are lucky if they are under seven hours.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is epic. Not only do these guys do their own stunts but they also deliver such fantastic lines as: 'wise man say, forgiveness is divine but never pay full price for late pizza'. They don't even try to write lines that great anymore. Or the part where Donatello and Michelangelo are eating Pork-Rinds on the couch. Michelangelo was always my favorite. I used to make nunchucks out of socks.

When I was little I used to bounce back and forth between wanting to be a turtle and wanting to be part of the Foot-Clan. I mean those foot guys got to rock pajamas all the time. Not to mention, their boss was a dude name Shredder. Can you get more badass than that?

I didn't think so.
Turtles in a half-shell, turtle power!

And Now An Excerpt From In Touch Magazine

Everything is cooler when Sean Connery says it.
It's the accent. It's the fact that he is so suave and debonair. It's cause he was bond.
Regardless he could make reading about the Octo-Mom sound interesting, or reading about the normal things celebrities do.
"Oh look it's Jude Law, taking his children out for ice cream. And here is Zac Efron looking smashing in just a white t-shirt and jeans."
If I could be as cool as Sean Connery my life would be ten times better. I would be knee deep in pussy and people would pay me to talk to them.
I don't have a cool accent. I have a Canadian accent. I talk funny.
What is with In Touch magazine anyways?
What is the appeal? No really I want to know.
The thing is that I read them all the time and I still don't know why I do it. I don't give a fuck of Brad and Angelina are having marital issues, or how Megan Fox is a skinny little twat. (By the way Transformers fucking sucked). So why do people buy them?
I propose a ban on tabloid magazines. Who is with me?
No one.
Figures.
Sean Connery would be with me. And look he is still cool when he was in Zardoz!

Mo Po Fo Sho!

Remember the Mike Tyson's punch out post where I promised a 3 post a week guarantee?
Well, like most of my promises, that was empty.

Anyway....

I have excellent news. Tomorrow, in my little dungeon in the depths of my parent's basement, I get cable.
And we all know what that means.......I get to watch MAURY POVICH when I get ready in the mornings now!!!! What a Time to be alive!!!
If you know me, you know I loves me some MoPo.
Wild Teens, paternity tests, obese babies, Geek to chic. I love it all. Well, with the exception of the Jack Hanna episodes.
Those always make me angry.
If I had a dollar for every time I flip through the channels and get all excited to see Maury - only to be disappointed because some asshole is showing off his baby kangaroo, I'd be Bill effin' Gates. You know, if I wanted to see baby monkeys, I'd go to the zoo. Maury is for the exploitation of people's unfortunate situations. Not education.

The only thing I want to learn from Maury is to double bag it.

EMO!

This morning Christene says to me, "Calm down emo!"
Now I can't stop thinking about emo things.
And the most emo song?
Bif Naked's Daddy's Getting Married.
While looking out my window at work I got to thinking, why the fuck is a thirty year old woman singing about her father getting married?
Maybe she is trying to reach out to all those kids whose parents have split up. Isn't that the norm anyways? Isn't that what parents are supposed to do?
Mine are still together, barely. But my mom was married before and my dad married twice, so I don't know.
Not only that but why is a grown woman calling her father Daddy?
This song makes me want to slit my wrists just to get away from it.
Let me break it down for you:

don't ask me how i am today (why would I ask I don't want to know)
don't wanna talk about it (well it's a good thing I didn't ask)
don't ask what the matter is (something is always the matter with you anyways)
today's the big day (why are you finally going to smile or wear something other than black?)
daddy's getting married (Oh...well good for him, I hope he is happy)
mama wipe yer tears away (Your mother is a grown woman she will be fine)
my daddy's getting married (You already said this)
i don't know what to say (Maybe tell him congratulations you spoiled fucking brat)
my daddy's getting married (whine whine bitch moan)
today's the big day (Do you have a nice black dress and a fucking parasol?)
my daddy's getting married (You repeat yourself alot)
mama wipe yer tears away (Maybe you should focus on wiping your own tears away you emo bitch).

End Emo Rant Now.


I don't care what anyone says, she looks like a man to me.