Thursday, December 25, 2008

On Dasher, On Dancer, Eff NO On Prancer!

The year before Home Alone came out I went to go see another Christmas movie. It was just after my birthday and I was seven years old. I remember that I had stolen my sisters copy of the Interview With A Vampire, which I am pretty sure my mom wouldnt be too impressed if she knew I was reading it.

And I brought the book to the theatre with us. It was at Guildford, do you remember the old cinemas there? When you went in through the back?
Anyways My dad took me to see Prancer for my birthday.


Do you remember this movie? I think I wanted to see something else too but my dad wanted to see this....
and halfway through the movie I got a super bad stomache ache so I went to the bathroom (with the book) and emptied the tank (so to speak) I returned to watch the heart warming movie about Prancer the reindeer and the family who takes him in when he is injured.
I left the book in the bathroom stall at the theatre and never told my sister about it.


And I have never watched the movie Prancer since.
Things I have learned from this experiance.
1. Don't bring a book to the theatre you wont need it
2. Try not to eat too much food when you go to see a movie, shit cramps suck.
3. Don't steal books from your sister just in case you leave them in a bathroom stall
4. Try your best to watch your children they shouldnt be reading Interview with a Vampire when they are 7, I think this why I am warped.
5. nothing says Merry Christmas like a blog that shares personal embarassing moments.
xo

Fuller, Go easy on the Pepsi

Home Alone is my all time favourite Christmas movie.

I love it almost as much as I love Donairs. Could there be a more perfect food? Sometimes, I'll have a really good Donair and I can't stop thinking about it. Like this morning, for example. I woke up this morning thinking about the last donair I had. It was from "Best Donair" in Surrey. It was amazing. I even brought home a menu and spent days just looking at it, reading all of my Donair options. Sometimes I feel the need for a cigarette after a good Donair, and I don't even smoke.

What was I talking about?
Oh yeah. Home alone.
I remember actually seeing it in theatres when I was 9. At the time, I didn't realize just how much gold was in that movie.
Kevin's brother was the epitome of jerky older brothers. Everyone had one, perhaps not as extremely douchey as Buzz, but most older siblings possess at least one or two of his charming attributes.
Every time I see a cheese pizza, I picture Buzz stuffing the entire thing in his mouth.
Every time I see an unflattering picture of myself (or anyone else for that matter) I think "Buzz, your girlfriend, WOOF!"
Every time someone wants to share a room with me I always think "I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass."

It never ends.
If I try hard enough, I think I could make a reference from "Home Alone" to suit every situation.

Good.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

This Dates Me

It's the eve of christmas eve and all through the house not a creature was stirring except my cat who is trying to chew the bows off the presents. While I sit on the couch while my....boyfriend...for lack of a better word yells at the TV because the hockey game isn't going the way he wanted.
This brings me back to something I wanted to talk to you about...don't get me wrong it has nothing to do with hockey and everything to do with the terms "far out" "bogus" and "righteous".
I know a certain girl who likes to bring the bogus out from time to time, but using these terms/phrases severely dates you. For example I was on the skytrain and these funky hair colored, tight jean, dark eye make up girls are staring at me. The keep smiling at me and I am pretty sure they wanted to make me their new den mother. It was as if they were looking at me and thinking 'Hey You can be an old bitch AND still have a piercing and a cool bag" They wanted to show me to their mothers and be like 'See mom just because we're weird doesnt mean we cant function in the world" anyways I began thinking about how if I used the term Righteous on them they would most likely look at me like I was an alien.
I am starting to feel old...like when people say they were born in the nineties. WAIT hold up...back this archaic bus up and put it in park, you were born in the nineties.
The nineties arent something you are suppose to be born in, the nineties are somehting you flourish in, or survived through.
And while I think these thoughts on transportation I realize these little ratty haired brats probably dont know what Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is, or who Christopher Lloyd is, or madonna use to wear a cone bra, or that Degrassi isn't from the olden days.
Think about this....I most likely have more in common with these thirteen year olds mothers than I do with them. SCARY.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I'm the Baby, gotta love me.

Maybe it's the 2 glasses of wine talking, but I have an extremely irrational hatred for that stupid "Dinosaurs" show they ran on ABC back in the '90's.
Does anyone else remember this show?

Typically, my memories of ABC's TGIF line-up are fond.
I loved friday night TV. I'd park my ass on the couch and prepare myself for the greatest 2 hours of programming the week had to offer me.
Then one year, they introduced a show about a family of Dinosaurs.




Dinosaurs.




Really?




When was this ever a good idea??


And don't even get me started on that one little pink asshole who'd hit his Dad over the head with a frying pan...
If that was real life, I'm sure the Dad would be dead.
And then they made a music video of that little jerk.
"I'm the Baby, Gotta love me."




Shut up.


Thursday, December 18, 2008

Welcome Back

I had a dream of.....
A threesome with Matt Dillon and Luke Perry.
But not them now. Them then.
You know what I am talking about.
Now that I have your attention I am going to breach a very serious question and I really want you to answer truthfully.
Is it just me or Welcome Back Kotter the best TV show ever made.
You had everything you needed.
The hot dumb guy, the soldier, the oddly attractive puerto rico jew(who was always my personal fav), the nerdy small kid and the funny teacher....
What more would you possibly want.
My Ex was telling me awhile ago that he watched it and it wasnt as funny as he remembered it to be from when he was a kid. So I got it for my birthday and you know what? It was better than I remembered. With quips like "Up Your nose with a rubber hose" and "Mr.Kot-tier" you can't go wrong. Not to mention Juan's notes from his mother. This show just doesnt get old...and it was on for four years so clearly the people liked it.
Remember the episode where Juan likes a girl and he writes a note (from his mother) to the girls mother and it says:
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
let your daughter go out
with a Puerto Rican Jew"
No? Well go effing watch it and stop gawking at this blog.

Monday, December 15, 2008

If That's What Skinny Is About, Count Me Out!

Ever since I was a child I was horrified by Richard Simmons. He would always appear on David Letterman and Letterman always made him cry. That was gold.
What wasn't gold was his high energy that makes me, still to this day, want to slit my wrists. I could never watch one of his exercise video's because it would make me want to upchuck my fatabulous lunch that I scarfed down.
Maybe it's because he is a red head and I find red heads abnormal at the best of times. But I think it's mostly his ugly mug. So what you were obese in high school Rich and now your goal is to make everyone happy about themselves, good for you. But I ain't picking up what your throwing out there.
I would rather be fat than listen to your mumble jumble, and one and two and one and two and SHUT THE HELL UP YOU FREAK!
I'm just saying there is something wrong with the guy.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Age Gracefully, you fools!


My hair is thinning a little.

I'm thinking about picking up one of those Hair in a can sprays.


You all know I'm kidding when I say this, as I am a wacky jokester, but some people aren't. Some people actually think that it's a good idea to spray paint their bald spots.

Really, I'm serious.

One day, Ron Popeil (yes, we have someone to blame for all this) decided that bald men no longer have to live with the shame of hair loss. He would create a product that would empower balding men with the abiltity to cover up their shame, but it would also come in a can too.

It's a stupid stupid idea and if you use it, people know you're insecure and probably single.

And what's with the name? GLH formula 9. It sounds like motor oil. It's quite possibly the worst product name ever.
Damn you, Ronco. Damn you to hell.




Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Tis The Season

For tramps in santa outfits, but that's not the point. What is the point is that I wanted to share with you why I enjoy the christmas season. Because you get to see your favorite TV shows Christmas special. Pure gold!
They have always been the best part of the holiday season. Like the Saved By the Bell where Zack dresses up like santa or for that matter when Roseanne does!
This is a short blog because I have to go back to finding the christmas episodes of Gilmore girls. Seriously!
P.S. If I could live in any TV land place it would be Stars Hollow!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden


I'm glad you like my Dimples, Tina.
I like your evil stare.

Anyway, I'm watching Kitchen Nightmares right now.
I think it's time for me to confess to the world, I am rather smitten with Chef Gordan Ramsay.
I love everything about the man.
I think we have alot in common.
First off, he likes to cook. I like to eat.
Secondly, every second word that comes out of his mouth has to be censored. I too, speak like a man of the seas.
He's rich and famous and I'm fully prepared to mooch off of that. I don't think he'd mind, really. Although I think it may be difficult to convince him that I'd make a good trophy wife. I don't think I have any trophy wife qualities.
I like it how he calls every lady "Darling." He also holds open doors for them. There's just something about it. He's a gentleman. Any dude take note. No matter how much a girl will be like "I'm not really into guys who do that." They're lying. We all like it. So start holding doors for ladies, assholes.
Whatever happened to gentlemen, anyway?
Long gone are the days where dudes would hold open doors, pick up the cheque and let you hold the remote control. And what ever happened to buying flowers?
Where the fuck are my flowers?!!!!???!!!???!!???
Us Ladies have to cook for you, pick up your dirty socks off the floor, pop that zit on the middle of your back and pick you up while you are drunk and the most romantic thing you guys can say to us is "Wanna do it?" No, Asswipe. We don't wanna "Do it". We're too busy writing angry blog entries about the lack of romance in the world right now.

Well, I'm sure Gordan Ramsay buys his wife flowers. He would if he knew what was good for him.

Party Of One


I am watching Party Of Five.
Because I am a fat thirteen year old at heart. And it's thursday night at 8:10pm and channel 35 just so happens to be where my stubby little digits stopped. And all I am wondering, and perhaps you can tell me the answer. What the hell happened to Scott Wolf? Man that guy has dimples. Just what I love.
Secretly I have a crush on everyone who has dimples. (that means you Leps.)
Anyways back on subject...Scott Wolf. This show sucks. But I loved watching it and I can see why....Bailey was hot. I also liked the other hot guy too, Matthew Fox, but I was all about the Scott Wolf.
Now that Lacey Chabert is a little slut, you know I am right...maybe its because she was a little tramp in Mean Girls and I am holding it against her.
Jennifer love Hewitt has that Ghost Whisperer show, and my mom likes it. And Neve Campbell did those scream movies. That's a career right?
Whatever this show sucks!
I cant look away.