Comedy Monster

Back in the day, I had a huge crush on Conan O'Brien.
I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the whole sense of humor thing, I don't know.
Maybe it was his flowing ginger locks, maybe it was the cowlick in the middle of his forhead.
What can I say? I'm a strange lady.

Anyway, we were watching his show last night and I couldn't help but notice how old he was looking.
And how tall he was. I always thought he was average height but apparently, he's like 6'5.
6'5???
That's insane.
And since he's so skinny, he looks like a monster.
Not like Charlize theron's Eileen Wuermos monster. A Hilarious monster.

This is really going nowhere.

In Sync With JT

You know who has come a long way? Justin Timberlake.
I admire his style, I admire his pinash and I admire the way he wormed his way into my heart.
Back when he was hanging out Lance Bass and those other guys who I can't remember their name I disliked him, actually I might even go so far to say I hated him. Do I dare? Yes I do. I hated him. He was boring, dressed funny and dated Britney Spears for crying out loud. Only people like K-fed date britney. (that is pathetic men who had identity crisisis because they dont know whether they are white or black.)
So I didnt like JT on principle. but then something happened. And that something was Justified.
It was amazing, it was funny, he showed us he had a heart but wasnt afraid to get down in dirty. And then he ripped Janet Jackson's shirt at the Super bowl and in that moment my eyes were opened and I sat up and took notice.
So while I was noticing JT did something that put a smile on my face, he took up acting. Not the crapy Mickey Mouse club crap that he was doing when he was a ankle biter. No he came along and did Alpha Dog, Black Snake Mone and Southland Tales. Movies that were not just okay, movies that were good. And then just when the world was taking him seriously he did something even more amazing, he did the SNL skit with Andy Samberg "Dick In A Box' and that was it. He had won me over. He had me at 'you put your dick in the box'.
(I also feel the need to mention that he was one of the chipmunks in a skit as well...let's be honest that is just bad ass.)
So there we are....how JT went from little-shit-head-mickeymouseloving-NSYN craptastic-kid to Justin-gold all the time no matter what-Timberlake.
And he did the one other thing that I thought no one would ever do. He brought SEXY BACK, I just don't think we have thanked him enough for that.

All Jacked Up

So I was watching the Oscars last night and that Hugh Jackman is one fine piece of ace. And if this was a better world we would have GOT. IT. ON. by now. I've always had an inkling for this fellow. Nothing is more impressive then a man who can grow a decent set of chops. First and foremost about this amazing, and rare, creature is his washboard abs. Second is his amazing hair. And third. Not that we need one. Is everything else about him.
Hes a man we should all be getting behind. I have decided that I will be offering Hugh Jackman all my support, should he need it. And whatever else he would like me to do. I know in the grand scheme of things my support is little, if not nothing, to him.
I first stood up and noticed Mr. Jackman a few years back when I watched a little video called Somebody Like You. It featured Ashley Judd and Marisa Tomei. And there was this scene where Jackman was eating Chinese food...not sure why it stuck in my head. Oh yeah he had his shirt off.
And then he came along and wowed me with his Wolveyskills when he played Wolverine. I like my men with a little animalistic side. Did I mention that he can act, sing, dance and play the role of a lamp post and still entertain the nation?
Well I should have.

This is the '80's and I'm down with the ladies.

Whatever happened to Tone Loc?

And did anyone notice that basically all of his songs were the same except that the words were changed a little?

Test My Patience

Just like a nasty case of hemroids or the vocal stylings of death metal music, Scarlett Johansson was put here to test my patience.
Why is it that girls and guys alike love her? What is she?
I stand by my statement of, she cannot act. What has she been in that she did a good acting job? Do you know what people respond with?
Lost in Translation and Ghost World.
What?
Those movies were not made good by her. They were made good by Steve Busemi, Bill Murrey and Thora Birtch. Not Mrs. Ryan Reynolds.
She was a flat boring character in both these movies, so what if she looks good in a pair of underwear? She has the emotional range of a wet sock.
She has this stupid, blank look that makes her look like she has some sort of handicap.
And did you notice that once the world realized she had a decent sized rack everyone started fawning. And then the girl-next-door sweetheart couldn't stop showing her breasts off, like in Girl with the Pearl Earring, The other Boylene Sister and The Prestige. So what, you have tits! I don't care.
Hollywood has pumped up this girl so much that people are simply ignoring the fact that she is dumb as a post.
It aggrivates me that other people, people I respect have fallen under her spell. Like Tom Waits. What was he thinking producing and writing some of her album? I mean come on Tom you have dignity, you have respect. Don't stoop.
She doesnt have it going on people...SHE LIKES WOODY ALLEN for crying in the soup. No one likes Woody Allen, people just put up with him.
She looks like a bobble head. And she looks like she is taking a crap in this picture...
Dye your fucking roots you skeevie bitch.

Gimme Gimme more.

I don't know about you, but for me, the happiest day of my life happened in September 2007.
There I was, sitting on my couch, channel surfing.
By some divine twist of fate, I landed on the 2007 MTV VMAs.
I typically don't watch awards shows, as I think they are a stupid waste of time, but for some reason I thought "I think I need to see this."
Then, I hear the three words that will forever change my life.

"It's Britney Bitch"

There she was. All cracked out and in a sequined bikini. Britney Spears. All poised to make her big comeback.
The next three minutes were a blur of stumbles and half-assed dance moves. I sat there, transfixed. I was witnessing the exact moment someone hit rock bottom.

And it was fantastic.

Whenever they panned to the audience, people were either laughing or screwing their faces up in disgust. And when it was over, everyone was thinking the same thing.

What the fuck was that?

I know she's on the straight and narrow now, but sometimes I long for the good old days when Britney Spears was everyone's favourite little train wreck.

Oh Well.
If I want to relive the moment, I'll always have YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukLm8EA9CvM

Friday The 13Th-Scared Shitless

Most people don't know that I'm a horror movie Fanatic. Though I have yet to see a Horror Movie made in the last ten years that has lived up to my fancy.
Welcome to Camp Crystal Lake kiddies, where dreams are filled with screams.

Horror movies were so much better back in the day. I like to depend on the Classics to keep me warm at night. Is it bad that the reason I like horror movies is because I find them funny? No one has a sense of humor like Freddy or Chucky. Those dudes so know how to deliver a punch line.

One of my all time favortites is Halloween. John Carpenter had his shit on lockdown when he made this. For the longest time my ringtone was the music from this movie and every time my phone rang it gave me the willies. Michael Myers is a master of the slow walk. It also has Jamie Lee Curtis and she is indeed the scream queen and this was her debut film. (on a side note she is looking mighty fine these days)

Another movie that sends me in a tizzy is Friday the 13th. Not only because it had Kevin Bacon in it, but because most people dont know that Jason isnt the killer.
He isn't. It was his mom the whole time, and the Chi Chi Chi ha ha ha sound to the score wasnt actually that it was ki ki ki ma ma ma to sound like Kill kill kill ma ma ma, in Jasons moms mind. Trivia is fun isn't it?

The best part of Nightmare on Elm Street is the Freddy's song.
One, two, Freddy's coming for you.
Three, four, better lock your door.
Five, six, grab your crucifix.
Seven, eight, gonna stay up late.
Nine, ten, never sleep again.
It's just a catchy little ditty that I can't get out of your head.

A lot of people don't like horror movies. Including my mother who hated the fact that I watched them all the time. But I love them. As you could see from this amazing blog.

You Can Grease My Lightening

I could like to start off this blog by saying that Scientologist and their loose cannon ways irk me. Ecspecially because this ALien loving team of wackos are snatching up people like Jason Lee and John Travolta. People that I had respect for but now, for some reason, no longer do.

Regardless of that, when I was 3 feet tall (and three feet wide at that), I had beady little eyes and those eyes loved to watch John Travolta. Remember when he was hot?


That was back in his Danny Zucco days. I miss the old John Travolta. The one I wouldnt kick out of bed and the one who made grade A caliber movies such as- Urban Cowboy, Staying Alive, Grease and Get Shorty. Now he is doig garbage like Wild Hogs and Ladder 49. Waste of my time, these movies are.

Not only that but the dude just looks scary now. My thirteen year old self is simply not impressed.


Maybe you need a better compassion, and I like to give the people what they want so....it just gives a whole new meaning to hot and NOT!

"You want me to what!!? In What?!! And then eat it?!!??........ok."

The most impressive thing about Tina : She can watch "2 Girls 1 cup" straight-faced.
It's amazing to watch. She just looks at it, almost bored.
I, on the other hand, couldn't handle more than 5 seconds. I got to the part where the girls started making out, and then slammed my laptop closed. I knew what was coming.
I know, 2 girls 1 cup was sooo 2008. But this morning, I bought these coffee teabag things called "1 cup" (which, by the way, tasted and smelled like cat urine), and I started thinking about that racy little video that took the world by storm last year.

Now, first of all, who does that?
I feel sorry for those girls. They look like they're from Whalley. You have to be pretty hard-up for drug money to do what they did. Now, I'm not going to get into details exactly what happens in the video, I think we all know. If you don't, look it up. Just not at work. Actually, look it up at work. On your boss' computer. But don't say I didn't warn you.

Secondly, who watches it? I'm not talking about the people who watch it purely for shock/curiosity value. You know, the kind of people who create reaction videos and they're pretending the throw up and stuff.
No, I'm talking about the kind of people who enjoy that kind of thing. I wonder if anyone working in my office likes freaky scat videos.

Anyways, I hope those two poop-loving amorous young ladies got paid well for what they were doing.


'Cause that shit is gross.

Flashback!

Tonight I called Christene and two seconds into the phone call she turns away from the phone to yell at her mom "IT'S TINA"
This flashes me back big time and all of a sudden I am thirteen years old sitting in my parents kitchen with the god awful yellow linolium wearing a goofy shirt and red jeans having an awkward conversation while my mother cooks dinner in the background.
While I am participating in this flashback I get to thinking about how the thugged out teenages in my school rolled in 1994. I miss these thugs they were comforting.
They wore disney characters on their shirts which I think had something to do with Coolio's Ghetto Cartoon, which I still get stuck in my head to this day. They had thick gold ropes and colored jeans. They had weird hair and wore bright colors like orange and yellow.
They arent anything like todays thugs that are effing scary.

On a side note, the other day I told Christene that Yosemite Sam was Smoke pit.
And he so was. He had guns and cussed all the time.