Thursday, October 21, 2010

What Would You Do?

Remember when City High thought it would be a good idea to write a song about Loni? I certainly hope she isn't a real girl. Could you imagine how pissed she would be when her friend comes over and is like, "Hey, Loni! Did you hear that new City High song?" followed with, "Didn't you go to school with that guy?"

I'd be fuming.

So what would you do?

First off, I wouldn't start my music video with some horrible little skit that everyone skips anyway.

Secondly, I wouldn't be taking my clothes off for money, maybe putting more on.

Third, I wouldn't unload my personal shit on a guy I went to high school with when I run into him again at the local titty show. Nor would I even go outside with him. That's just a dangerous situation right there...clearly Loni doesn't have street sense.

To be honest, it sounds like Loni made some poor mistakes. We all make them, but if every day she wakes up hoping she'll die, then she has bigger issues than shaking her jugs down at the old thong-club. She needs to talk to someone, and not some sketchy guy who is shoving fives in her g-string.

And should she be taking advice from this drunk guy slobbering over her jiggly ass, really? Really? I wouldn't. I'd be like. "Uh, it's Saturday and your liquor is over flowing your cup. And you're grinding with four or five strippers, what would you know?"

Not only that, but maybe he should get off of his high horse. Who's he to judge her?

I'll tell you what I would do if my son was at home, crying on the floor cause he's hungry. I'd go to my parents/friends and say, "Listen here, I got myself into a pickle, could you help me out?" And, if I hadn't burned all my bridges, they would give me some food for my little rug rat.

At least Loni served it up cold. For him, it was just a good time, but for her...it was what she called life. I think she needs to reevaluate her options.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

While sitting at work, I started to ponder Pat Benatar and got to thinking, she sure had some emo songs. Then I got the song Hit Me With Your Best Shot in my head. I wonder how many times douchebag-Dans went up to her and said, "I'll hit you with my best shot." For some reason, it sounds so much dirtier in this day and age. Probably because a wad of cum is considered a shot. Disgusting.

I would pay money to see Pat roundhouse kick a guy with a mullet in the face.

And not just a buck, I would pay a fair amount.

I wonder what Pat is up to these days. I wonder if she needs work. I think I just came up with a new reality TV show. Hit Me With Your Best Shot--random guys stuck in the eighties vs Pat Benatar.

What do you think?

My money is on Pat. She looks tough. And she most likely just got tougher with age.


Friday, February 19, 2010

An Open Letter to Bret Michaels.

Dear Bret Michaels,
Let me start off by saying, I'm a fan. However, I'll admit, I really had no idea who you were until you started doing "Rock of Love".
So, today, my friend Tina (Perhaps you know her. No? Well you should. She's wearing a 90210 t-shirt today and it's fantastic.) were discussing your career. You see, I haven't been able to stop talking about you since watching your "Behind the Music" special last week. Like I said, I'm a fan.

I had expressed desire to see you in concert and pretty much the only way Tina said she'd go was if you held a free concert in Bear Creek Park - which is a big park in our hometown of Surrey, BC. I'm pretty sure you're familiar with Surrey - about 90% of your groupies are born here.

Quite frankly, Bret, I don't think this is too much to ask for.

And knowing your kind and generous nature, I'm 100% positive that you'll agree to this.
So, to save you time and headache, I've gone ahead and penciled it into your schedule for you. I chose July 14, as it is my birthday.



So, on July 14th, Tina and I will be waiting for you in Bear Creek Park. I'm sure that you'll show us "Nothing but a good Time."
Sincerely,
Christene.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

TMNT

Fuck we suck at keeping this blog up. I blame Christene, she thinks she is better than this place, and I don't. No, I couldn't be as cool as this blog even if my underwear were tied died and I colored my air with smelly felts. Yeah you assholes know what I am talking about.

The last couple of months I have partaken in watching old movies. I watched The Karate Kid, RoboCop, Terminator and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And you know what? I came to the conclusion, they just don't make movies like these anymore. No way. They are so chalked full of effects and fancy actors these days. It really sucks. I like watching movies where I have to use my imagination to believe. Where I have to put my rational thinking to the side for an hour and a half. Suspend reality and what not. Now, the movies are so fancy I am transported to whatever time and place they want me to exist in.

Oh yeah, an hour and a half, remember when movies were no longer than ninety minutes. Now we are lucky if they are under seven hours.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is epic. Not only do these guys do their own stunts but they also deliver such fantastic lines as: 'wise man say, forgiveness is divine but never pay full price for late pizza'. They don't even try to write lines that great anymore. Or the part where Donatello and Michelangelo are eating Pork-Rinds on the couch. Michelangelo was always my favorite. I used to make nunchucks out of socks.

When I was little I used to bounce back and forth between wanting to be a turtle and wanting to be part of the Foot-Clan. I mean those foot guys got to rock pajamas all the time. Not to mention, their boss was a dude name Shredder. Can you get more badass than that?

I didn't think so.
Turtles in a half-shell, turtle power!