Christene Vs. Tina

What Would You Do?

2010-10-21T09:35:00.001-07:00

Remember when City High thought it would be a good idea to write a song about Loni? I certainly hope she isn't a real girl. Could you imagine how pissed she would be when her friend comes over and is like, "Hey, Loni! Did you hear that new City High song?" followed with, "Didn't you go to school with that guy?"

I'd be fuming.

So what would you do?

First off, I wouldn't start my music video with some horrible little skit that everyone skips anyways.

Secondly, I wouldn't be taking my clothes off for money, maybe putting more on.

Third, I wouldn't unload my personal shit on a guy I went to high school with when I run into him again at the local titty show. Nor would I even go outside with him. That's just a dangerous situation right there...clearly Loni doesn't have street sense.

To be honest, it sounds like Loni made some poor mistakes. We all make them, but if every day she wakes up hoping she'll die, then she has bigger issues than shaking her jugs down at the old thong-club. She needs to talk to someone, and not some sketchy guy who is shoving fives in her g-string.

And should she be taking advice from this drunk guy slobbering over her jiggly ass, really? Really? I wouldn't. I'd be like. "Uh, it's Saturday and your liquor is over flowing your cup. And you're grinding with four or five strippers, what would you know?"

Not only that, but maybe he should get off of his high horse. Who's he to judge her?

I'll tell you what I would do if my son was at home, crying on the floor cause he's hungry. I'd go to my parents/friends and say, "Listen here, I got myself into a pickle, could you help me out?" And, if I hadn't burned all my bridges, they would give me some food for my little rug rat.

At least Loni served it up cold. For him, it was just a good time, but for her...it was what she called life. I think she needs to reevaluate her options.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

2010-04-06T10:58:00.000-07:00

While sitting at work, I started to ponder Pat Benatar and got to thinking, she sure had some emo songs. Then I got the song Hit Me With Your Best Shot in my head. I wonder how many times douchebag-Dans went up to her and said, "I'll hit you with my best shot." For some reason, it sounds so much dirtier in this day and age. Probably because a wad of cum is considered a shot. Disgusting.

I would pay money to see Pat roundhouse kick a guy with a mullet in the face.

And not just a buck, I would pay a fair amount.

I wonder what Pat is up to these days. I wonder if she needs work. I think I just came up with a new reality TV show. Hit Me With Your Best Shot--random guys stuck in the eighties vs Pat Benatar.

What do you think?

My money is on Pat. She looks tough. And she most likely just got tougher with age.

An Open Letter to Bret Michaels.

2010-02-19T09:41:00.001-08:00

Dear Bret Michaels,

Let me start off by saying, I'm a fan. However, I'll admit, I really had no idea who you were until you started doing "Rock of Love".

So, today, my friend Tina (Perhaps you know her. No? Well you should. She's wearing a 90210 t-shirt today and it's fantastic.) were discussing your career. You see, I haven't been able to stop talking about you since watching your "Behind the Music" special last week. Like I said, I'm a fan.

I had expressed desire to see you in concert and pretty much the only way Tina said she'd go was if you held a free concert in Bear Creek Park - which is a big park in our hometown of Surrey, BC. I'm pretty sure you're familiar with Surrey - about 90% of your groupies are born here.

Quite frankly, Bret, I don't think this is too much to ask for.

And knowing your kind and generous nature, I'm 100% positive that you'll agree to this.

So, to save you time and headache, I've gone ahead and penciled it into your schedule for you. I chose July 14, as it is my birthday.

So, on July 14th, Tina and I will be waiting for you in Bear Creek Park. I'm sure that you'll show us "Nothing but a good Time."

Sincerely,

Christene.

TMNT

2010-01-28T13:54:00.000-08:00

Fuck we suck at keeping this blog up. I blame Christene, she thinks she is better than this place, and I don't. No, I couldn't be as cool as this blog even if my underwear were tied died and I colored my air with smelly felts. Yeah you assholes know what I am talking about.

The last couple of months I have partaken in watching old movies. I watched The Karate Kid, RoboCop, Terminator and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And you know what? I came to the conclusion, they just don't make movies like these anymore. No way. They are so chalked full of effects and fancy actors these days. It really sucks. I like watching movies where I have to use my imagination to believe. Where I have to put my rational thinking to the side for an hour and a half. Suspend reality and what not. Now, the movies are so fancy I am transported to whatever time and place they want me to exist in.

Oh yeah, an hour and a half, remember when movies were no longer than ninety minutes. Now we are lucky if they are under seven hours.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is epic. Not only do these guys do their own stunts but they also deliver such fantastic lines as: 'wise man say, forgiveness is divine but never pay full price for late pizza'. They don't even try to write lines that great anymore. Or the part where Donatello and Michelangelo are eating Pork-Rinds on the couch. Michelangelo was always my favorite. I used to make nunchucks out of socks.

When I was little I used to bounce back and forth between wanting to be a turtle and wanting to be part of the Foot-Clan. I mean those foot guys got to rock pajamas all the time. Not to mention, their boss was a dude name Shredder. Can you get more badass than that?

I didn't think so.
Turtles in a half-shell, turtle power!

And Now An Excerpt From In Touch Magazine

2009-09-04T10:46:00.000-07:00

Everything is cooler when Sean Connery says it.
It's the accent. It's the fact that he is so suave and debonair. It's cause he was bond.
Regardless he could make reading about the Octo-Mom sound interesting, or reading about the normal things celebrities do.
"Oh look it's Jude Law, taking his children out for ice cream. And here is Zac Efron looking smashing in just a white t-shirt and jeans."
If I could be as cool as Sean Connery my life would be ten times better. I would be knee deep in pussy and people would pay me to talk to them.
I don't have a cool accent. I have a Canadian accent. I talk funny.
What is with In Touch magazine anyways?
What is the appeal? No really I want to know.
The thing is that I read them all the time and I still don't know why I do it. I don't give a fuck of Brad and Angelina are having marital issues, or how Megan Fox is a skinny little twat. (By the way Transformers fucking sucked). So why do people buy them?
I propose a ban on tabloid magazines. Who is with me?
No one.
Figures.
Sean Connery would be with me. And look he is still cool when he was in Zardoz!

Mo Po Fo Sho!

2009-08-14T17:18:00.000-07:00

Remember the Mike Tyson's punch out post where I promised a 3 post a week guarantee?
Well, like most of my promises, that was empty.

Anyway....

I have excellent news. Tomorrow, in my little dungeon in the depths of my parent's basement, I get cable.
And we all know what that means.......I get to watch MAURY POVICH when I get ready in the mornings now!!!! What a Time to be alive!!!
If you know me, you know I loves me some MoPo.
Wild Teens, paternity tests, obese babies, Geek to chic. I love it all. Well, with the exception of the Jack Hanna episodes.
Those always make me angry.
If I had a dollar for every time I flip through the channels and get all excited to see Maury - only to be disappointed because some asshole is showing off his baby kangaroo, I'd be Bill effin' Gates. You know, if I wanted to see baby monkeys, I'd go to the zoo. Maury is for the exploitation of people's unfortunate situations. Not education.

The only thing I want to learn from Maury is to double bag it.

EMO!

2009-08-14T09:29:00.000-07:00

This morning Christene says to me, "Calm down emo!"
Now I can't stop thinking about emo things.
And the most emo song?
Bif Naked's Daddy's Getting Married.
While looking out my window at work I got to thinking, why the fuck is a thirty year old woman singing about her father getting married?
Maybe she is trying to reach out to all those kids whose parents have split up. Isn't that the norm anyways? Isn't that what parents are supposed to do?
Mine are still together, barely. But my mom was married before and my dad married twice, so I don't know.
Not only that but why is a grown woman calling her father Daddy?
This song makes me want to slit my wrists just to get away from it.
Let me break it down for you:

don't ask me how i am today (why would I ask I don't want to know)
don't wanna talk about it (well it's a good thing I didn't ask)
don't ask what the matter is (something is always the matter with you anyways)
today's the big day (why are you finally going to smile or wear something other than black?)
daddy's getting married (Oh...well good for him, I hope he is happy)
mama wipe yer tears away (Your mother is a grown woman she will be fine)
my daddy's getting married (You already said this)
i don't know what to say (Maybe tell him congratulations you spoiled fucking brat)
my daddy's getting married (whine whine bitch moan)
today's the big day (Do you have a nice black dress and a fucking parasol?)
my daddy's getting married (You repeat yourself alot)
mama wipe yer tears away (Maybe you should focus on wiping your own tears away you emo bitch).

End Emo Rant Now.

I don't care what anyone says, she looks like a man to me.

A Mullet Named Dog

2009-08-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

I was just watching TV and a commercial came on that stated that Dog the Bounty Hunter would be back for another season. My question is this...
REALLY? No Really?
I mean come on. What is wrong with the general mass public? This isn't a television program, this isn't entertainment...this is just sad. This is a Mullet named Dog who has a trashy wife, scratch that, a trashy family and a vigilante mindset. What's that about? Does everyone forget the fact that Dog actually went to jail.
Not only that but look at his hair...
And this is season number SEVEN. No shit.
I hang my head and give a soft little prayer for the dignity of human kind that just fluttered out the window...
Bounty Hunter....screw that shit...more like Godawful Hairdo Hunter.
FECK!
Oh look at this is a charming wedding photo:

How fucking big is that chicks boooooooooobs?

Tina got low.

2009-07-09T07:33:00.000-07:00

Lately, it seems as if all Tina talks about these days is "FloRida"

She enjoys him.

Wrong Said Fred

2009-07-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

It's not that I disagreed C-Bizz it's that I merely stated that Right Said Fred were the first douche-bags.
Case and point, the picture depicted below. Granted these douche-muffins don't have frosted tips they do have the other traits that are key give-aways when trying to spot a douche-bag. The godawful tattoos, the presence of a cross (when clearly religion doesn't play a role in their lives) the sleeveless shirts, the camo pants, the intense 'you messin' with me' look in their eyes.
We were discussing who the FIRST douche-bag was and thought Nick Lachey is indeed the douchiest of the douchey he was not the FIRST douche bag.

Beefy Biceps.

2009-06-25T07:59:00.000-07:00

Tina begs to differ, but I feel as if Nick Lachey is the world's first super douche-bag.

Look at him - Beefy Biceps. Beefy Bicep tattoo. Frosted tips. Reality TV show. Boy Band. Confident swagger.
I could keep going, but I'd be here all day. (That's what she said.)
He's the male equivalent to a turbo slut.

Oh Mylanta!

2009-06-24T09:53:00.000-07:00

DJ Tanner had the best insults.

"Nerd Bomber" was my favourite.

"Let's Keep it Clean"

2009-06-19T06:12:00.000-07:00

OK, Fine.
Sorry Tina.
I neglect this blog, I realize that.
From now on, I'm giving you a 3 post a week guarantee.

One thing I've been really thinking about lately is that time I beat Mike Tyson in "Mike Tyson's Punch Out", and how no one believes me.

It really happened, people!

I was using the game genie at the time and I got the code for the Mike Tyson level off the Internet (I had to - I usually can't make it past king hippo, that fat bastard.) , so I guess you could call it semi-cheating - but I did take down the monster. And really, isn't that the only thing that matters?

I remember the day like it was yesterday.
I was 22 years old. Hot off the heels of a break-up with my first boyfriend, I had been living at my parent's house. The first order of business was for me to hook up my old Nintendo to the TV in my bedroom. At the time, Nintendo was therapeutic for me. Nothing mends a broken heart like 8-bit graphics and worn down thumb pads.

This had not been my first attempt to take the great one down.
Many times, I had punched in that code (007 373 5963), only to get my ass handed to me on a platter.

However, for some reason, this time was different. I felt it.

I don't remember how the next 3 minutes went. It was all a blur.
I do remember being shocked that I managed to go 3 minutes without being knocked out.

Then, it happened.

The referee had ruled in my favor!
Mike Tyson had the "I'm so pissed off I lost" look on his face.
I frantically looked around to see if anyone had witnessed my victory, but sadly, no one was there to see.

Whenever I tell anyone about this, they don't believe me.
And it consumes me.

Leppy What the Deuce

2009-06-18T20:12:00.000-07:00

Alright so basically I write this blog on my own. Which is fine but, should I change the name to Tina VS Tina?
It will be like Kramer Vs Kramer but not nearly as famous!
In a fit of holy crap-ness I wanted to mention something that completely slipped my mind until recently. Remember that song, MMM MMM MMM MMM. What sort of name was that? I mean come on! That Crash Test Dummies song was freaking creepy. CREEPY! It kind of freaked me out when I was a little kid. I mean i walked around fearing that my hair was going to suddenly turn bright white when I woke up in the morning. And I never attended church because i was scared that I would shake and lurch and puke all over the church floor. That said...dudes voice was deep. Once on pop up video I learned that when he was in choir he actually sang alto or something like that. Oh pop up video how informative you were. Where are you now?
Hey they were canadian too! From Winnipeg, and you thought nothing good came out of Winnipeg and by good I mean half decent-sort of.
Fuck fine. I liked them. Assholes.
DO you remember the album that song came off of? God Shuffled His Feet, what a messed up album cover...no really look...

CRAZY!

This Blog Is Falling Apart At It's Seams, You Maggot!

2009-06-01T07:03:00.000-07:00

I would like to take a moment to say that I am not too good for this blog, unlike Christene who is riding around on her high horse in the office telling people how she has three days to live. Yeah yeah yeah we get it your name is featured in the new horror movie. I'm just jealous because the likelihood that a movie is going to be made with my name is slim to none, "T.L Tyson has a job she doesn't understand, a boyfriend who takes bubble baths and way more years to grace this earth before she dies and the world collectivly sighs with relief"

Anyways, does anyone remember the game Nightmare?
It actually scared the shit out of me when I was a little kid. People would be like "Let's play Nightmare" and I was like "YEAH!", and then I would say I have a stomach cramp and hide in the bathroom for the duration of the game.
I didn't enjoy being called a maggot or a harbingers....
The Gatekeeper was simply a control freak and just when you think you were getting ahead and going to make it out of the game with your sanity he punished you.

Does anyone have this game? I think we should get together and play it.

(Completely off topic the song, Take My Breath Away by Berlin is playing on a coworkers radio and all I can think about is how Dangerous Iceman is out there.)

Their Favorite Color Is Badd!

2009-05-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

I was watching the episode of 90210 where Color Me Badd guest appears and at the end they sing I Adore Mi Amore to Donna at the Peachpit.
It got me thinking about the days when I used to put my sister's Color Me Badd tape in the cassette player, hit play and dance around my room to such fine tunes as I Wanna Sex You Up and All 4 Love.
Upon watching this episode I realized 4 things, and those four things were:

1. It was not appropriate for me to be dancing around at age ten to a song which lyric goes 'Let me take off all your clothes, disconnect the phone so nobody knows.'
I didn't even think it appropriate for Donna and Kelly to be listening to it.

2. They were not then, nor are they now, attractive men in the least.

3. The lyrics are really bad and help give me a false send of what men would be like. For example in All 4 Love, he says he will give her flowers and call her every night. I'm still waiting for both of these.

4. They appear to be sucking in their cheeks at all times. I don't understand this. And Perhaps I never will.

I would also like to point out that the 90's was an awful decade for fashion. Blazers? Crappy blue collard shirts and weird vest? What's that all about? Bitch please.

IT'S A THRILLER, THRILLER NIGHT!!!

2009-04-17T07:24:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, Tina.
Lately, I've been having issues with thinking up totally rad stuff to write about.

This morning, I was talking to Andy Chan when the subject of Oprah's 1993 interview with Michael Jackson came up.
I remember that at the time, nothing that had ever aired on TV compared to this event. People from all over the world were glued to their TV sets, thinking that the mystery of this bizarre little man would be solved.
I seem to recall that the only thing revealed was that he wasn't a virgin.
And quite frankly, I'm not shocked.
If you think about it, he was quite the heartthrob in his youth. And with music super stardom there are always groupies. And apparently, groupies are slutty.
So, do the math. I'm sure the dude was "hitting skins" with the ladies when he was 12.

Then, I got to thinking about the time he was married to Lisa Marie Presley for 4 1/2 minutes. Remember when they were all like "I know you people don't believe that we're in love so we're going to have this awkward make-out session in front of a live audience."?
Ok, anyone can make out. It's not like you have to be in love. And I seem to recall Lisa Marie trying to pull away pretty quick.
I don't blame her. I wouldn't make out with Michael Jackson for all the kangaroos in Australia.

Now, Samuel L. Jackson. That's a different story.

Trashy Teen Fiction

2009-04-14T05:05:00.000-07:00

Christene never writes on this blog and I'm thinking about changing the name of it to Tina Vs Tina. I think it has a nice ring to it.
Before there were glittering vampires and kids with lightening bolt scars on their faces there were young adult novel writers who wrote a ten books a year and gave them hokey names and pictures on the covers. Before Stephanie Meyer (bleh) and J.K Rowling there were the other writers who made the youth read. And those writers were: R.L Stein, Christopher Pike, Lois Duncan.
I am taking a moment out of my busy schedual to post a blog about Christopher Pike.
It seems as though the youth of my day and age were divided into two groups. People who liked Christopher Pike and the ones who liked R.L Stein.
And then their were the weirdos who liked Lois Duncan but I'm not even going to waste my energy mentioning them...Wait a second...I just did.
Anyways I always found the R.L Stein books a little more on the juvenile side where as the Christopher Pike ones were darker and more evil. They also mentioned sex in them. Of course there were the younger books which were called the Spooksville Series and I never read any of those ones.
Some of my all time favorite C.P books were: The Weekend (where a group of friends go away and a whole mystery unravels), Last Act (kids put on a play about murder and then one of the leading ladies gets shot), and The Midnight Club (terminally ill kids gather to tell tales or horror and they make a pact that when the first one dies they will contact the others).
When I moved from Vancouver back to Surrey I got rid of some books and for awhile there (approx. 3 minutes) my Christopher Pike books were in the togo pile, but I just couldn't do it. I just didn't have it in me to throw those classic gems out.

Sign The Petition

2009-04-02T07:15:00.000-07:00

I am sending a petition around to bring back the old Madonna, the slightly trashy, cone bra wearing, teased hair, too much make-up, papa don't preach Madonna. The one that writhed around on the stage to her music and mainly robed herself in lingerie.

Who is this new age hippy Madonna? And how did she get the idea that it was a good idea to become a hippy. Stop doing yoga and go back to smoking. Stop practicing Kabbalah and start drinking.
The only recent Madonna scandal is her leaving her husband.
That's nothing.
I want the platinum blond hair, the sudo-sexual lyrics, the running around town and appearing in movies like A League Of Their Own and Dick Tracy. I want her to give her songs names like 'Like A Virgin' and 'Papa Don't Preach', screw this Ray Of Light bullshit and that crap-ass Swept Away movie.
I want her to date men like Sean Penn and Warren Beatty again. Not Guy Ritchie or Jesus Luz. No name no game men. You have street cred Madonna, you can do better than them.
So what your a mom, who cares you can still be trashy. Look at Courtnay Love!

Here's the thing. She's just a tease. When Confessions On A Dance Floor came out I thought, maybe this is it. She's parading around in a spandex suit for crying out loud but no....utter disappointment. She's still wearing her Live Strong bracelet and pantsuits.

Hands down there is no competition look at the pictures below, it is plain to see...1980's Madonna kicks present day Madonna's ass:

Billboard Hits Of 2009

2009-03-27T06:15:00.001-07:00

The other day I got it in my head to get in touch with the kids and download some popular music to see just what it is the teenagers were listening too. While perusing Mininova I came across a file titled 'Billboard hits of 2009'. This struck me as oddly entertaining so I was like okay.

First off it's March. How can there be 100 hits already? Is the rest of the year screwed. Regardless this is what I learned.

1. Pink is still making music.

2. So is Britney Spears

3. Every song features T.I

4. Out of 100 songs there were only 6 that I actually liked and they all featured either T.I, Justin Timberlake or T-Pain.

5. Beyonce is full of herself

6. Kids these days like whiney music. (and there was a Lifehouse song in the 100 and that scared me because they were the biggest mistake of 2000 when No Name Face came out and people thought 'hey these guys aren't bad'.

7. Bands really like to synthasize their voices. Apparently sounding like a robot is cool.

8. It is popular to have lyrics about popping champagne

9. Adele was the only female that could actually sing. (oh and lily allen)

10. Katy Perry should be shot in the face. (how does she have three hits?)

Take from this what you will.

And a confusing part of the below pie chart is the biggest section is 'pop' yet there is another section titled 'teen pop'. Are not pop and teen pop the same?

Grunge Reduex

2009-03-19T06:08:00.000-07:00

I have a few things to say about this as well, and here they are.

Not only did grunge bring us plaid and ripped jeans, but it also gave us wearing long underwear under our ripped jeans. Do you remember this? I think because I grew up in the nineties I find that waffle like material of long underwear oddly comforting. It also gave us the angsty teenage attitude. This was all grunge. Grunge is to the nineties as Emo is to the new millennium (what the fuck do you call the 2000's anyways...zero zeros?

Think about it.

Before the nineties, and grunge music, the only angsty teens were the punk rockers, and they were violent and really weren't so much angsty as they were mean. Thank you grunge for putting the acoustic guitar into the teens hands and teaching how to write suicide music.

To all the Emo kids on the street I want to yell, 'I was depressed long before you were, that was so 1994.'

Some maybe wondering where the word grunge came from, it was actually the lead singer of the band Green River (and later Mudhoney) that is credited for using it first. Do you want to know where those bands were from? Seattle (as Christene previously mentioned) which was the epicentre for grunge bands.

Some note worthy bands that turned the world around:

Nirvana (most famous and most fucked)

Soundgarden

Alice in Chains

Pear Jam

Screaming Trees

The Melvins

These were all of the Seattle area, crazy? Indeed.

noteworthy outside of Seattle?

One of my personal favorites Stone Temple Piolets

From the way I am talking it sounds as though grunge did no wrong...oh they did plenty wrong and that was HOLE and Courtney Love. Fuck that bitch is annoying, and very unpleasant to look at. Just the thought of her living on the same planet as me makes me want to hang myself.

And sadly I do believe it was grunge that was responsible for bands like Creed, Nickleback, Puddle Of Mud and Staind. These bands were called post-grunge. And they were (and still are for that matter) shit.

Grandma take me home.

2009-03-17T08:50:00.000-07:00

This morning, I looked in Tina's window at work and noticed something.
I'm dressed like Kurt Cobain today.
Striped cardigan, black band T-Shirt, converse shoes, jeans....I look like I stepped out of 1994.

So, naturally, Tina and I made the decision to bring grunge back.
It's due for a comeback.
Just think of all the good stuff that came out of the grunge era:

-Doc Martens
-Seattle
-Long greasy unwashed hair
-plaid shirts tied around waists
-Angry youth
-Grunge music
-Hair Dyed with Kool-aid
-Ripped jeans
-Corduroy Pants

Rad.

Ridiculous in Pink

2009-03-16T17:01:00.001-07:00

Now, as we all know, I'm no fashion plate.

My idea of a fancy outfit is a hoodie without holes in it.
But, as lacking as my fashion sense is, I know what looks ridiculous.
And Molly Ringwald's dress in "Pretty in Pink" is quite possibly the most hideous thing I've ever seen.
This crazy bitch takes 2 perfectly good vintage '60's prom dresses and decides to make a creation of her own.
At first, you think, "Hey! What's the worst that could happen? She seems like a sensible girl."

And then she shows up at prom looking like this:

Bitch be crazy.

She should have picked ducky.

That Spicoli's Come A Great Distance

2009-03-16T06:42:00.001-07:00

This weekend I was watching Milk, you know the one that Sean Penn got his Oscar for, and I got to thinking. He sure has come a long way. Don't get me wrong I loved him when he was ordering pizza in his class and sporting the long greasy surfer dude hair, but still. Look at him now. He went from movies like Taps and Bad Boys to such heart wrenching films as Mystic River, Dead Man Walking and The Thin Red Line.

I know people were torn down the middle about Mickey Rourke and Sean Penn duking it out for the Best Actor award this year at the Oscars and here's the thing.

Yes, Mickey Rourke was amazing playing a washed up wrestler, but to be honest he had been a washed up actor for so long that it wasn't too much of a stretch for him to play this part. I loved the movie and I thought he did an amazing job (i also though Marisa Tomi had a hot little body for someone her age but that's a different blog altogether.)

But Sean Penn isn't gay. And he had to do something that many actors had reservations about and that was going full gay. And he did it with finesse. Just like Robert DeNeiro said, "How did Sean Penn ever get a role as a straight guy?"

That's how well he did it.

The role was complex, and though I, and the rest of the nation, would cross coals to kiss James Franco, Sean Penn did it with enough passion that you questioned whether their wasn't something else behind that kiss.

Nick Miller said 'If I had to kiss a guy I would kiss James Franco' and that just sums it all up.

So in the end Sean Penn has come a long way, you can't help but love his gentle ways with Hollywood and he played a gay man extremely well.

The movie had a point to make, and I'm glad he won. Everyone deserves equal rights, the gays, the straights and the washed up wrestlers.

They tore down heaven to build townhouses.

2009-03-10T06:02:00.000-07:00

Why is it that they take everything that's good and perfect in the world and tear it down to build townhouses?

Take the Hillcrest Drive-in, for example.
I grew up minutes away from the place, but had only been once.
If I tuned my radio into the station, I could pick up the signals and listen to the movies, that's how close I lived to it.

Yet, I never fully appreciated it.

The one time I went, I was 12. Our next door neighbour, Mrs. Bell, took me and her two daughters Jillian and Natalie, to go see "Land of the Rising Sun" and "Robin Hood : Men in Tights". I remember being embarrassed, because we were in our pajamas, and we went to the concession stand and people were staring at us. The other two didn't seem to care, they were getting candy.
Then Natalie took her shoes off, and for some reason, she had the worst smelling feet for a 9 year old and stunk up the car.

As a 12 year old, I was too young to fully appreciate the history of the place.
I'm sad that my only memories of the place involved Natalie stinking up the car with her feet and me being embarrassed that I was in my pajamas.

A couple of years ago, they decided to tear the place down to build townhouses.
They re-opened in Aldergrove, but its not the same.

Oh well, I'll always have this:

Crazy Hot dog.

The Octo-Mom does not have 8 arms.

2009-03-04T11:28:00.000-08:00

I hate the Octo-Mom.

She annoys the shit out of me.

That is all.

I

Look At These Morose MotherFuckers Right Here

2009-03-02T06:15:00.001-08:00

I forced Jay to watch Jay and Silent Bob Strike back the other night.
And he didnt seem to find it as funny as I did. And I was at a loss for words.
What is there not to love?
You have Matt Damon and Ben Affleck making fun of themselves. Along with The Dawson and The Pie Fucker too!
Then Wes Craven Appears out of no where to a bitching Shannon Doherty, which only makes comedy gold.
So he tells me that threre were parts that were funny but most of it was stupid, this coming from the guy who LOVED Hamlet 2. No joke.
Then he tells me that he doesn't really like Kevin Smith movies. Then he says well except Dogma and Zack and Miri Make A Porno. Hey dude? That means you like his movies.
So personally i think he went into watching the movie with a bad attitude and a feeling of "I'm not going to like this regardless"
I hate people like this. Get over yourselves.
And though I didn't really like Chasing Amy, and I sort of thought Clerks was boring in parts. You still can't say you dont like "insert a directors name here" movies. Because how can you DISLIKE THEM ALL?
It's like if I were to say, "I hate Steven Spielberg movies"
I'm a liar. Cause you can't gate them all.
Anyways. the Point is Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is a laugh out loud Comedy fest!
It's worth it to hear Ben Affleck say "Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms yo!"

Comedy Monster

2009-02-27T06:46:00.000-08:00

Back in the day, I had a huge crush on Conan O'Brien.
I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the whole sense of humor thing, I don't know.
Maybe it was his flowing ginger locks, maybe it was the cowlick in the middle of his forhead.
What can I say? I'm a strange lady.

Anyway, we were watching his show last night and I couldn't help but notice how old he was looking.
And how tall he was. I always thought he was average height but apparently, he's like 6'5.
6'5???
That's insane.
And since he's so skinny, he looks like a monster.
Not like Charlize theron's Eileen Wuermos monster. A Hilarious monster.

This is really going nowhere.

In Sync With JT

2009-02-26T11:52:00.001-08:00

You know who has come a long way? Justin Timberlake.
I admire his style, I admire his pinash and I admire the way he wormed his way into my heart.
Back when he was hanging out Lance Bass and those other guys who I can't remember their name I disliked him, actually I might even go so far to say I hated him. Do I dare? Yes I do. I hated him. He was boring, dressed funny and dated Britney Spears for crying out loud. Only people like K-fed date britney. (that is pathetic men who had identity crisisis because they dont know whether they are white or black.)
So I didnt like JT on principle. but then something happened. And that something was Justified.
It was amazing, it was funny, he showed us he had a heart but wasnt afraid to get down in dirty. And then he ripped Janet Jackson's shirt at the Super bowl and in that moment my eyes were opened and I sat up and took notice.
So while I was noticing JT did something that put a smile on my face, he took up acting. Not the crapy Mickey Mouse club crap that he was doing when he was a ankle biter. No he came along and did Alpha Dog, Black Snake Mone and Southland Tales. Movies that were not just okay, movies that were good. And then just when the world was taking him seriously he did something even more amazing, he did the SNL skit with Andy Samberg "Dick In A Box' and that was it. He had won me over. He had me at 'you put your dick in the box'.
(I also feel the need to mention that he was one of the chipmunks in a skit as well...let's be honest that is just bad ass.)
So there we are....how JT went from little-shit-head-mickeymouseloving-NSYN craptastic-kid to Justin-gold all the time no matter what-Timberlake.
And he did the one other thing that I thought no one would ever do. He brought SEXY BACK, I just don't think we have thanked him enough for that.

All Jacked Up

2009-02-23T05:19:00.000-08:00

So I was watching the Oscars last night and that Hugh Jackman is one fine piece of ace. And if this was a better world we would have GOT. IT. ON. by now. I've always had an inkling for this fellow. Nothing is more impressive then a man who can grow a decent set of chops. First and foremost about this amazing, and rare, creature is his washboard abs. Second is his amazing hair. And third. Not that we need one. Is everything else about him.
Hes a man we should all be getting behind. I have decided that I will be offering Hugh Jackman all my support, should he need it. And whatever else he would like me to do. I know in the grand scheme of things my support is little, if not nothing, to him.
I first stood up and noticed Mr. Jackman a few years back when I watched a little video called Somebody Like You. It featured Ashley Judd and Marisa Tomei. And there was this scene where Jackman was eating Chinese food...not sure why it stuck in my head. Oh yeah he had his shirt off.
And then he came along and wowed me with his Wolveyskills when he played Wolverine. I like my men with a little animalistic side. Did I mention that he can act, sing, dance and play the role of a lamp post and still entertain the nation?
Well I should have.

This is the '80's and I'm down with the ladies.

2009-02-19T11:38:00.001-08:00

Whatever happened to Tone Loc?

And did anyone notice that basically all of his songs were the same except that the words were changed a little?

Test My Patience

2009-02-19T04:59:00.000-08:00

Just like a nasty case of hemroids or the vocal stylings of death metal music, Scarlett Johansson was put here to test my patience.
Why is it that girls and guys alike love her? What is she?
I stand by my statement of, she cannot act. What has she been in that she did a good acting job? Do you know what people respond with?
Lost in Translation and Ghost World.
What?
Those movies were not made good by her. They were made good by Steve Busemi, Bill Murrey and Thora Birtch. Not Mrs. Ryan Reynolds.
She was a flat boring character in both these movies, so what if she looks good in a pair of underwear? She has the emotional range of a wet sock.
She has this stupid, blank look that makes her look like she has some sort of handicap.
And did you notice that once the world realized she had a decent sized rack everyone started fawning. And then the girl-next-door sweetheart couldn't stop showing her breasts off, like in Girl with the Pearl Earring, The other Boylene Sister and The Prestige. So what, you have tits! I don't care.
Hollywood has pumped up this girl so much that people are simply ignoring the fact that she is dumb as a post.
It aggrivates me that other people, people I respect have fallen under her spell. Like Tom Waits. What was he thinking producing and writing some of her album? I mean come on Tom you have dignity, you have respect. Don't stoop.
She doesnt have it going on people...SHE LIKES WOODY ALLEN for crying in the soup. No one likes Woody Allen, people just put up with him.
She looks like a bobble head. And she looks like she is taking a crap in this picture...
Dye your fucking roots you skeevie bitch.

Gimme Gimme more.

2009-02-16T06:41:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but for me, the happiest day of my life happened in September 2007.
There I was, sitting on my couch, channel surfing.
By some divine twist of fate, I landed on the 2007 MTV VMAs.
I typically don't watch awards shows, as I think they are a stupid waste of time, but for some reason I thought "I think I need to see this."
Then, I hear the three words that will forever change my life.

"It's Britney Bitch"

There she was. All cracked out and in a sequined bikini. Britney Spears. All poised to make her big comeback.
The next three minutes were a blur of stumbles and half-assed dance moves. I sat there, transfixed. I was witnessing the exact moment someone hit rock bottom.

And it was fantastic.

Whenever they panned to the audience, people were either laughing or screwing their faces up in disgust. And when it was over, everyone was thinking the same thing.

What the fuck was that?

I know she's on the straight and narrow now, but sometimes I long for the good old days when Britney Spears was everyone's favourite little train wreck.

Oh Well.
If I want to relive the moment, I'll always have YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukLm8EA9CvM

Friday The 13Th-Scared Shitless

2009-02-13T06:41:00.000-08:00

Most people don't know that I'm a horror movie Fanatic. Though I have yet to see a Horror Movie made in the last ten years that has lived up to my fancy.
Welcome to Camp Crystal Lake kiddies, where dreams are filled with screams.

Horror movies were so much better back in the day. I like to depend on the Classics to keep me warm at night. Is it bad that the reason I like horror movies is because I find them funny? No one has a sense of humor like Freddy or Chucky. Those dudes so know how to deliver a punch line.

One of my all time favortites is Halloween. John Carpenter had his shit on lockdown when he made this. For the longest time my ringtone was the music from this movie and every time my phone rang it gave me the willies. Michael Myers is a master of the slow walk. It also has Jamie Lee Curtis and she is indeed the scream queen and this was her debut film. (on a side note she is looking mighty fine these days)

Another movie that sends me in a tizzy is Friday the 13th. Not only because it had Kevin Bacon in it, but because most people dont know that Jason isnt the killer.
He isn't. It was his mom the whole time, and the Chi Chi Chi ha ha ha sound to the score wasnt actually that it was ki ki ki ma ma ma to sound like Kill kill kill ma ma ma, in Jasons moms mind. Trivia is fun isn't it?

The best part of Nightmare on Elm Street is the Freddy's song.
One, two, Freddy's coming for you.
Three, four, better lock your door.
Five, six, grab your crucifix.
Seven, eight, gonna stay up late.
Nine, ten, never sleep again.
It's just a catchy little ditty that I can't get out of your head.

A lot of people don't like horror movies. Including my mother who hated the fact that I watched them all the time. But I love them. As you could see from this amazing blog.

You Can Grease My Lightening

2009-02-12T06:19:00.000-08:00

I could like to start off this blog by saying that Scientologist and their loose cannon ways irk me. Ecspecially because this ALien loving team of wackos are snatching up people like Jason Lee and John Travolta. People that I had respect for but now, for some reason, no longer do.

Regardless of that, when I was 3 feet tall (and three feet wide at that), I had beady little eyes and those eyes loved to watch John Travolta. Remember when he was hot?

That was back in his Danny Zucco days. I miss the old John Travolta. The one I wouldnt kick out of bed and the one who made grade A caliber movies such as- Urban Cowboy, Staying Alive, Grease and Get Shorty. Now he is doig garbage like Wild Hogs and Ladder 49. Waste of my time, these movies are.

Not only that but the dude just looks scary now. My thirteen year old self is simply not impressed.

Maybe you need a better compassion, and I like to give the people what they want so....it just gives a whole new meaning to hot and NOT!

"You want me to what!!? In What?!! And then eat it?!!??........ok."

2009-02-09T10:13:00.001-08:00

The most impressive thing about Tina : She can watch "2 Girls 1 cup" straight-faced.
It's amazing to watch. She just looks at it, almost bored.
I, on the other hand, couldn't handle more than 5 seconds. I got to the part where the girls started making out, and then slammed my laptop closed. I knew what was coming.
I know, 2 girls 1 cup was sooo 2008. But this morning, I bought these coffee teabag things called "1 cup" (which, by the way, tasted and smelled like cat urine), and I started thinking about that racy little video that took the world by storm last year.

Now, first of all, who does that?
I feel sorry for those girls. They look like they're from Whalley. You have to be pretty hard-up for drug money to do what they did. Now, I'm not going to get into details exactly what happens in the video, I think we all know. If you don't, look it up. Just not at work. Actually, look it up at work. On your boss' computer. But don't say I didn't warn you.

Secondly, who watches it? I'm not talking about the people who watch it purely for shock/curiosity value. You know, the kind of people who create reaction videos and they're pretending the throw up and stuff.
No, I'm talking about the kind of people who enjoy that kind of thing. I wonder if anyone working in my office likes freaky scat videos.

Anyways, I hope those two poop-loving amorous young ladies got paid well for what they were doing.

'Cause that shit is gross.

Flashback!

2009-02-01T19:41:00.001-08:00

Tonight I called Christene and two seconds into the phone call she turns away from the phone to yell at her mom "IT'S TINA"
This flashes me back big time and all of a sudden I am thirteen years old sitting in my parents kitchen with the god awful yellow linolium wearing a goofy shirt and red jeans having an awkward conversation while my mother cooks dinner in the background.
While I am participating in this flashback I get to thinking about how the thugged out teenages in my school rolled in 1994. I miss these thugs they were comforting.
They wore disney characters on their shirts which I think had something to do with Coolio's Ghetto Cartoon, which I still get stuck in my head to this day. They had thick gold ropes and colored jeans. They had weird hair and wore bright colors like orange and yellow.
They arent anything like todays thugs that are effing scary.

On a side note, the other day I told Christene that Yosemite Sam was Smoke pit.
And he so was. He had guns and cussed all the time.

So Perez Hilton says you're fat, well, I 'aint down with that.

2009-01-30T07:08:00.000-08:00

This morning, I was reading www.perezhilton.com, and came across this article.

http://perezhilton.com/2009-01-29-jonah-hill-does-not-look-good#respond

You know, even though he's gained a couple LBs, I still think Jonah Hill is a stone fox.
Seriously.

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Mr. Hilton.

Oh, Oh, Oh, Its magic, you know.

2009-01-29T19:22:00.000-08:00

I have been instructed by Tina not to let this blog go to shit.

And, I will comply with her request.

You know what I really love?

Sabrina the Teenage witch.

That Bitch could do anything. If I had her powers, I'd do awesome things.

I'd go back in time and watch all of the sweet ass Christmas specials from my childhood

Yeah.

Pretty Woman

2009-01-28T19:39:00.000-08:00

Today at lunch we were discussing Pretty Woman, and it really isn't a feasible movie. For one I don't know any rich people who fall in love with the hookers they use. Okay fine I don't know any rich people.
My mother hates the movie Pretty Woman because she says it glorifies prostitution.
I like the fact that Vivianne had morals because she didn't kiss on the mouth, but that rule didn't take long to go out the window. She is so quirky and charming that Richard Gere's character can't resist her?
Whatever. I call bullshit.
I hated Kit in the movie. I wanted to rip her head off. She spent their rent money, what a bitch.
Now that i have gotten to thinking about the movie I am on the fence about whether I like it or not. I am leaning towards I hate t because it just seems stupid and I even get annoyed when I think about the scene in the bathroom where she is singing the Prince song.
And the scene that EVERYONE loves where she goes back to the store where they snubbed her and says "Big Mistake...huge" Shut up Pretty Woman, you are wasting your breath, they still don't want your STD riddled body in their clothes.
Oh right she was a safe girl and she kept the jimmys in her boot. Shut up.
Personally I liked your trampy prostie clothes more than I liked the hoitty toitty ones she bought on Rodeo Drive. She just looked stupid in those hates.

On a side note I have never seen American Gigolo...

It was a Teenage Wedding and the Old Folks Wished them well

2009-01-25T21:25:00.000-08:00

Alright Christene, first off is My Best Friends Birthday , than Resivoir Dogs, True Romance, Pulp Fiction, Natural born Killers....
we gots some gold to watch.

This is my gripe.
Why do people insist that Pulp Fiction is Tarantino's best flick? Because it's not. Almost all of them are better. Everyone loves the scene where John Travolta and Uma Thurman dance to Chuck Berry's Teenage Wedding. This is all they talk about. They never want to give it up. Come to terms with it people it's not his best movie.

My personal favorites are Jackie Brown, because it had Pam Grier in it and Coffey truly is the color of her skin and Resivoir Dogs because it had Harvey Keitel (need I say more. I think not).
Though I also feel that True Romance is under rated (Come on people it has Christian Slater how can you go wrong) and Natural Born Killers is comedy gold.
I am a huge fan of Woody Harrelson. He was one of the only reasons I watched Cheers.

Another gripe I have is when Grindhouse came out everyone was talking about Death Proof and how Quentin Tarantino is a god well to be honest Planet Terror was better and Robert Rodreguez deserves props for this it.

Whatever. I'm in.

"Looking for some Happiness but there is only loneliness to fiiiiiiinnnnddd."

2009-01-24T13:21:00.000-08:00

This morning, I watched Death Proof with Kristyl, and came to a conclusion.

I fucking love Quentin Tarantino.

He could film himself crapping on a plate, add some '70's graphics and close ups of feet and I'd still love it.

It took me a long time to come to this. Up until today, I never really went out of my way to actually watch his movies (except for that brief stint in grade 11 when I had this huge crush on this kid who was obsessed with Quentin Tarantino).

My Resolution for 2009 is to watch every movie that Quentin Tarantino has ever made, (directed, written or both) in the order that they were made.

Tina, are you with me?

Oh Look! My pee is blue!

2009-01-22T08:07:00.000-08:00

The other day I got to thinking about Screaming Saucers....

When I was a kid, I refused to try them just because A) they were popular and B) they looked as if they had an artificial berry flavour of some sort. (And if you know me, you know of my extreme hatred for any artificial berry flavors.)
Also, they scared the shit out of me.
Any candy that will turn your insides blue can not be a good idea. I remember kids on the playground eating them then sticking their tongues out, because these evil candies of death turned them blue. I've got another way to turn your tongue blue, kids. It's called hypothermia.
I remember this one kid used to brag on the playground about how screaming saucers turned his pee blue.
Wow. What an accomplishment. Someone get this kid a sash. Maybe a Nobel prize of some sort.
Urine is supposed to be yellow. If you pee any other color but yellow, it means you have some sort of medical condition, and should probably go to the hospital.
Then one day, it was all over for screaming saucers. My school had banned them and all of the unfit parents who used to let their kids eat them non-stop were reprimanded.
I think I was the only kid in my entire school who remained un-affected by this ban. There were kids on the playground kicking stuff, crying, yelling, picketing, etc.
I hadn't seen such an uprising since the great snap-bracelet ban of 1992.
I just sat there and watched.

Dumb kids.

Is there a soldier in here?

2009-01-22T07:30:00.000-08:00

Frequently on our rides to work Christene and I talk about men of the afro american persuasion. The other day Christene informed me that if she could have any black guy she would have Kenan Thompson from Saturday Night Live, because he is comforting. To which I responded I would take Ludacris.
Often we bust out the song Soldier by Destiny's Child and live life large.
Anyways what I am trying to say is that I feel Will Smith's best days were when he was the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
Everyone is all talking about Will like he is new or something or they are all like "Man he was so good in THe Pursuit of happyness' but seriously he was so good when he was telling me that there was a nightmare on his street.
(Side note that song actually scared me when I was a little piglet.)
Personally I thought the guy hit the peek of his career back in 94...If I find Fresh Prince while perusing the channels I have to stop and watch it, it's like it is ingrained in me.
Do you think Will still hangs out with Jazzy Jeff?

Willow's Wife?

2009-01-15T06:15:00.001-08:00

When I worked at Wendy's, there was this guy there who once told me I looked like Willow's wife. Now, you've all seen the movie Willow, right?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096446/
At first, I thought he was joking, and I laughed it off. Then I started thinking and over analyzing, like I usually do.
Seriously, what a thing to tell someone. Out of nowhere. Why would he tell me that? And how random is that? Willow's Wife? Really???? And its not like I lived in a little mud hut village.
I know I'm short, but certainly not within the requirements to be considered a dwarf.
How the fuck did he come to this conclusion?? He didn't even give me an explaination!!!!!!!
Maybe I do look like Willow's Wife.

Maybe we have the same eyes? No, mine are green, and hers look brown.

Now, it looks like she has no eyebrows, and I have eyebrows, so it can't be that. Maybe we smile the same?

To this day, every so often I take a few minutes to look in the mirror, looking for resemblances. Thanks for the complex, douchebag.

Something I Can Get Behind

2009-01-14T19:16:00.000-08:00

On this planet called earth there are very few things I can get behind and never have fail me. Here they are:
1. Red Vines-best candy known to man
2. Sean Connery-doing impressions of him or just looking at him
3. Trashy magazines-they taught me so many things
4. Gum balls-I escpecially like the yellow ones
5. The Brat Pack Movies-if you say you dont like Pretty in pink you are lying. And yes I wanted Andy to get with Ducky.
6. The Cops theme song-whattcha gonna do when they come for you?
7. Saying things like "Oh that's so funny I forgot to laugh" and "Dirtbag" Or "Dipshit"
8. T-shirts with animals on them, man I miss my white kitty t-shirt.
9. Spandex, I wish life was this easy still
10. Sugar Crisp. Cause I cant get enough of it.

On Dasher, On Dancer, Eff NO On Prancer!

2008-12-25T14:50:00.000-08:00

The year before Home Alone came out I went to go see another Christmas movie. It was just after my birthday and I was seven years old. I remember that I had stolen my sisters copy of the Interview With A Vampire, which I am pretty sure my mom wouldnt be too impressed if she knew I was reading it.

And I brought the book to the theatre with us. It was at Guildford, do you remember the old cinemas there? When you went in through the back?
Anyways My dad took me to see Prancer for my birthday.

Do you remember this movie? I think I wanted to see something else too but my dad wanted to see this....
and halfway through the movie I got a super bad stomache ache so I went to the bathroom (with the book) and emptied the tank (so to speak) I returned to watch the heart warming movie about Prancer the reindeer and the family who takes him in when he is injured.
I left the book in the bathroom stall at the theatre and never told my sister about it.

And I have never watched the movie Prancer since.
Things I have learned from this experiance.
1. Don't bring a book to the theatre you wont need it
2. Try not to eat too much food when you go to see a movie, shit cramps suck.
3. Don't steal books from your sister just in case you leave them in a bathroom stall
4. Try your best to watch your children they shouldnt be reading Interview with a Vampire when they are 7, I think this why I am warped.
5. nothing says Merry Christmas like a blog that shares personal embarassing moments.
xo

Fuller, Go easy on the Pepsi

2008-12-25T07:32:00.000-08:00

Home Alone is my all time favourite Christmas movie.

I love it almost as much as I love Donairs. Could there be a more perfect food? Sometimes, I'll have a really good Donair and I can't stop thinking about it. Like this morning, for example. I woke up this morning thinking about the last donair I had. It was from "Best Donair" in Surrey. It was amazing. I even brought home a menu and spent days just looking at it, reading all of my Donair options. Sometimes I feel the need for a cigarette after a good Donair, and I don't even smoke.

What was I talking about?
Oh yeah. Home alone.
I remember actually seeing it in theatres when I was 9. At the time, I didn't realize just how much gold was in that movie.
Kevin's brother was the epitome of jerky older brothers. Everyone had one, perhaps not as extremely douchey as Buzz, but most older siblings possess at least one or two of his charming attributes.
Every time I see a cheese pizza, I picture Buzz stuffing the entire thing in his mouth.
Every time I see an unflattering picture of myself (or anyone else for that matter) I think "Buzz, your girlfriend, WOOF!"
Every time someone wants to share a room with me I always think "I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass."

It never ends.
If I try hard enough, I think I could make a reference from "Home Alone" to suit every situation.

Good.

This Dates Me

2008-12-23T21:32:00.000-08:00

It's the eve of christmas eve and all through the house not a creature was stirring except my cat who is trying to chew the bows off the presents. While I sit on the couch while my....boyfriend...for lack of a better word yells at the TV because the hockey game isn't going the way he wanted.
This brings me back to something I wanted to talk to you about...don't get me wrong it has nothing to do with hockey and everything to do with the terms "far out" "bogus" and "righteous".
I know a certain girl who likes to bring the bogus out from time to time, but using these terms/phrases severely dates you. For example I was on the skytrain and these funky hair colored, tight jean, dark eye make up girls are staring at me. The keep smiling at me and I am pretty sure they wanted to make me their new den mother. It was as if they were looking at me and thinking 'Hey You can be an old bitch AND still have a piercing and a cool bag" They wanted to show me to their mothers and be like 'See mom just because we're weird doesnt mean we cant function in the world" anyways I began thinking about how if I used the term Righteous on them they would most likely look at me like I was an alien.
I am starting to feel old...like when people say they were born in the nineties. WAIT hold up...back this archaic bus up and put it in park, you were born in the nineties.
The nineties arent something you are suppose to be born in, the nineties are somehting you flourish in, or survived through.
And while I think these thoughts on transportation I realize these little ratty haired brats probably dont know what Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is, or who Christopher Lloyd is, or madonna use to wear a cone bra, or that Degrassi isn't from the olden days.
Think about this....I most likely have more in common with these thirteen year olds mothers than I do with them. SCARY.

I'm the Baby, gotta love me.

2008-12-21T18:00:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's the 2 glasses of wine talking, but I have an extremely irrational hatred for that stupid "Dinosaurs" show they ran on ABC back in the '90's.

Does anyone else remember this show?

Typically, my memories of ABC's TGIF line-up are fond.

I loved friday night TV. I'd park my ass on the couch and prepare myself for the greatest 2 hours of programming the week had to offer me.

Then one year, they introduced a show about a family of Dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs.

Really?

When was this ever a good idea??

And don't even get me started on that one little pink asshole who'd hit his Dad over the head with a frying pan...

If that was real life, I'm sure the Dad would be dead.

And then they made a music video of that little jerk.

"I'm the Baby, Gotta love me."

Shut up.

Welcome Back

2008-12-18T21:23:00.000-08:00

I had a dream of.....
A threesome with Matt Dillon and Luke Perry.
But not them now. Them then.
You know what I am talking about.
Now that I have your attention I am going to breach a very serious question and I really want you to answer truthfully.
Is it just me or Welcome Back Kotter the best TV show ever made.
You had everything you needed.
The hot dumb guy, the soldier, the oddly attractive puerto rico jew(who was always my personal fav), the nerdy small kid and the funny teacher....
What more would you possibly want.
My Ex was telling me awhile ago that he watched it and it wasnt as funny as he remembered it to be from when he was a kid. So I got it for my birthday and you know what? It was better than I remembered. With quips like "Up Your nose with a rubber hose" and "Mr.Kot-tier" you can't go wrong. Not to mention Juan's notes from his mother. This show just doesnt get old...and it was on for four years so clearly the people liked it.
Remember the episode where Juan likes a girl and he writes a note (from his mother) to the girls mother and it says:
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
let your daughter go out
with a Puerto Rican Jew"
No? Well go effing watch it and stop gawking at this blog.

If That's What Skinny Is About, Count Me Out!

2008-12-15T11:35:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was a child I was horrified by Richard Simmons. He would always appear on David Letterman and Letterman always made him cry. That was gold.
What wasn't gold was his high energy that makes me, still to this day, want to slit my wrists. I could never watch one of his exercise video's because it would make me want to upchuck my fatabulous lunch that I scarfed down.
Maybe it's because he is a red head and I find red heads abnormal at the best of times. But I think it's mostly his ugly mug. So what you were obese in high school Rich and now your goal is to make everyone happy about themselves, good for you. But I ain't picking up what your throwing out there.
I would rather be fat than listen to your mumble jumble, and one and two and one and two and SHUT THE HELL UP YOU FREAK!
I'm just saying there is something wrong with the guy.

Age Gracefully, you fools!

2008-12-13T10:22:00.000-08:00

My hair is thinning a little.

I'm thinking about picking up one of those Hair in a can sprays.

You all know I'm kidding when I say this, as I am a wacky jokester, but some people aren't. Some people actually think that it's a good idea to spray paint their bald spots.

Really, I'm serious.

One day, Ron Popeil (yes, we have someone to blame for all this) decided that bald men no longer have to live with the shame of hair loss. He would create a product that would empower balding men with the abiltity to cover up their shame, but it would also come in a can too.

It's a stupid stupid idea and if you use it, people know you're insecure and probably single.

And what's with the name? GLH formula 9. It sounds like motor oil. It's quite possibly the worst product name ever.

Damn you, Ronco. Damn you to hell.

Tis The Season

2008-12-10T20:41:00.001-08:00

For tramps in santa outfits, but that's not the point. What is the point is that I wanted to share with you why I enjoy the christmas season. Because you get to see your favorite TV shows Christmas special. Pure gold!
They have always been the best part of the holiday season. Like the Saved By the Bell where Zack dresses up like santa or for that matter when Roseanne does!
This is a short blog because I have to go back to finding the christmas episodes of Gilmore girls. Seriously!
P.S. If I could live in any TV land place it would be Stars Hollow!

I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden

2008-12-04T20:29:00.000-08:00

I'm glad you like my Dimples, Tina.
I like your evil stare.

Anyway, I'm watching Kitchen Nightmares right now.
I think it's time for me to confess to the world, I am rather smitten with Chef Gordan Ramsay.
I love everything about the man.
I think we have alot in common.
First off, he likes to cook. I like to eat.
Secondly, every second word that comes out of his mouth has to be censored. I too, speak like a man of the seas.
He's rich and famous and I'm fully prepared to mooch off of that. I don't think he'd mind, really. Although I think it may be difficult to convince him that I'd make a good trophy wife. I don't think I have any trophy wife qualities.
I like it how he calls every lady "Darling." He also holds open doors for them. There's just something about it. He's a gentleman. Any dude take note. No matter how much a girl will be like "I'm not really into guys who do that." They're lying. We all like it. So start holding doors for ladies, assholes.
Whatever happened to gentlemen, anyway?
Long gone are the days where dudes would hold open doors, pick up the cheque and let you hold the remote control. And what ever happened to buying flowers?
Where the fuck are my flowers?!!!!???!!!???!!???
Us Ladies have to cook for you, pick up your dirty socks off the floor, pop that zit on the middle of your back and pick you up while you are drunk and the most romantic thing you guys can say to us is "Wanna do it?" No, Asswipe. We don't wanna "Do it". We're too busy writing angry blog entries about the lack of romance in the world right now.

Well, I'm sure Gordan Ramsay buys his wife flowers. He would if he knew what was good for him.

Party Of One

2008-12-04T20:10:00.000-08:00

I am watching Party Of Five.
Because I am a fat thirteen year old at heart. And it's thursday night at 8:10pm and channel 35 just so happens to be where my stubby little digits stopped. And all I am wondering, and perhaps you can tell me the answer. What the hell happened to Scott Wolf? Man that guy has dimples. Just what I love.
Secretly I have a crush on everyone who has dimples. (that means you Leps.)
Anyways back on subject...Scott Wolf. This show sucks. But I loved watching it and I can see why....Bailey was hot. I also liked the other hot guy too, Matthew Fox, but I was all about the Scott Wolf.
Now that Lacey Chabert is a little slut, you know I am right...maybe its because she was a little tramp in Mean Girls and I am holding it against her.
Jennifer love Hewitt has that Ghost Whisperer show, and my mom likes it. And Neve Campbell did those scream movies. That's a career right?
Whatever this show sucks!
I cant look away.

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatchu gonna do?

2008-11-29T19:47:00.000-08:00

If you're from Surrey, chances are, you know someone who's been on "To Serve and Protect". I am lucky enough to not only know people who have been on it, but to be related to people who have been on the show.
I miss that show. It was amazing. It gave people from Surrey the chance to say "Hey! I know that guy!!" or "Hey! That's my house!" while watching a TV show.
I especially liked it when they were busting drunks. They'd be all like "Sir, do you have any ID?"
And the drunk would be like "jkbscj asjf bajks fkwjbsvm SEF KSDBFS AJHVC HA".
Or when they had to go into a trailer park to break up some sort of disturbance, the trailer would have pizza boxes lying around and lamps without lampshades. (Kind of what my house looks like right now.)
Bless those boys in blue who would not only keep our streets safe, but entertain the residents of Surrey on Sunday nights.

On The Inside Of The Outside

2008-11-27T18:18:00.001-08:00

I'm hip. I get it. And I love it.
When I was growing up I longed to be able to go back in time, I was positive that I should have been born in 1943 so that I could have experianced the 50's and 60's for myself. My dad use to take me to Jukebox Junction and I would get to buy 45's with my monies, and this was my life. I listened to oldies watched grease and Rebel without a Cause every singe day. But there was one thing, ONE THING that I was IN LOVE WITH.
The Outsiders.

I read the book a thousand times.
And when I saw the movie, it blew my mind.
To this day I wish I could have lived in that house with those boys.
That was one hot cock fest. Not only do you have a young Tom Cruise, Emilio Estevez and Patrick Swayze. And you have the Karate Kid. And the icing on the cake? Your eyes also get treated to ROB LOWE and MATT DILLION. (Side note what the hell ever happened to Matt Dillion?)
Who organized this cast? They deserve an award, a huge fucking cookie.
Never has there been a movie to rival this beauty.
Sure Dallas was an asshole, and Two-bit Matthews always wore the same mickey mouse shirt, and maybe Darry had a bad temper, but you can look past all of that because they are pretty.
And finally....Sodapop Curtis....Will you marry me?

Who doesn't love a sheen?

2008-11-25T20:46:00.000-08:00

That was a dirty song, dirtiest song ever though? Well that goes to Akinyele song "Put it in my mouth" I say that all the time but I am refering to sweets and treats. And if there is one thing a cock isn't its a sweet treat. Enough about that.
Christene your mom wouldnt let you watch dirty dancing!
YOWZA.
That's okay my mom wouldn't let me watch Pretty Woman because she thought it glorified prostiution. And what was with that whole "No kissing on the mouth rule" does that mean she had morals of some sort? Or that she had dignity?
I hated the other whore in that movie, what was her name? Kit?

Everyone thought Richard Gere was so dreamy, not me....when I was a chub-tastic 13 year old the only man that got me going was Emilio Estevez, i watched Outsides a thousand times!
Here he is as Two Bit Matthews...now tell me that doesnt get you going?

But who doesn't love a Sheen?
That's a trick question, because the answer is no one. EVERYONE LOVES A SHEEN!
They are just a little more dirty....

Let me go, Let me shoop, to the next man in a 3 piece suit.

2008-11-24T16:27:00.000-08:00

Tina, you were super bad-ass.

I was a pretty tame 12 year old, so I can't really top that.

However, I used to listen to Saly N' Pepa's "Very Necessary" on repeat.

I used to gyrate my 12 year old hips to "Shoop" on a daily basis. Of course, I had NO idea what they were talking about (and still really have no clue), so it was ok.

Come to think about it, It WAS a pretty dirty song. What was my mom thinking letting me listen to it? I wasn't allowed to watch "Dirty Dancing", but I could listen to this:

Hey, yeah - I wanna shoop, baby[Oooo, how you doin', baby?No, not youYou, the bow-legged one, (ha-ha) yeahWhat's your name?Damn, that sounds sexy]Here I go, here I go, here I go again (again?)Girls, what's my weakness? (Men!)Ok then, chillin', chillin', mindin' my business (word)Yo, Salt, I looked around, and I couldn't believe thisI swear, I stared, my niece my witnessThe brother had it goin' on with somethin' kinda...uhWicked, wicked (oooo) - had to kick itI'm not shy so I asked for the digitsA ho? No, that don't make meSee what I want slip slide to it swiftyFelt it in my hips so I dipped back to my bag of tricksThen I flipped for a tip, make me wanna do tricks for himLick him like a lollipop should be lickedCame to my senses and I chilled for a bitDon't know how you do the voodoo that you doSo well it's a spell, hell, makes me wanna shoop shoop shoopShoop shoop ba-doopShoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doopShoop ba-doopShoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doopUmmm, you're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the backBrother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that (thanks, Mom)Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie?If looks could kill you would be an uziYou're a shotgun - bang! What's up with that thang?I wanna know how does it hang?Straight up, wait up, hold up, Mr. LoverLike Prince said you're a sexy mutha-Well-a, I like 'em real wild, b-boy style by the mileSmooth black skin with a smileBright as the sun, I wanna have some funCome (come) and (hmmm) give me some of that yum-yumChocolate chip, honey dip, can I get a scoop? (please)Baby, take a ride in my coupe, you make me wanna...Shoop shoop ba-doop (Baby, hey)Shoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doopShoop shoop ba-doop (Don't you know I wanna shoop, baby)Shoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doopWell let me bring you back to the subject, Pep's on the setMake you get hot, make you work up a sweatWhen you skip-to-my-lou, my darlingNot falling in love but I'm falling for your [super sperm]When I get ya betcha bottom dollar you were best under pressure[Yo, Sandy, I wanna like, taste you]Getcha getcha lips wet cuz it's time to have PepOn your mark, get set, go, let me go, let me shoopTo the next man in the three-piece suitI spend all my dough, ray me, cutieShoop shoop a-doobie like Scoobie Doobie DooI love you in your big jeans, you give me nice dreamsYou make me wanna scream, "Oooo, oooo, oooo!"I like what ya do when you do what ya doYou make me wanna shoopShoop shoop ba-doopShoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doopShoop shoop ba-doopShoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doop[Oh, my goodness, girl, look at himHe's the cutest brother in hereAnd he's comin' this way! Oooo!]S and the P wanna kick with me, cool (uh-huh)But I'm wicked, G, (yeah) hit skins but never quickly (that's right)I hit the skins for the hell of it, just for the yell I getMmm mmm mmm, for the smell of it (smell it)They want my bod, here's the hot rod (hot rod)Twelve inches to a yard (damn) and have ya soundin' like a retard (yeah)Big 'Twan Love-Her, six-two, wanna hit youSo what you wanna do?What you wanna do?Mmmm, I wanna shoopShoop shoop ba-doopShoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doopShoop shoop ba-doopShoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doopOh, you make me wanna shoopHey yeah, I wanna shoop, baby

What is a Shoop, anyway? Can someone tell me?

On another note, Salt N' Pepa had big earrings.

Indeed.

12 Year Old Gold

2008-11-23T22:07:00.001-08:00

Not only did I watch scrambled up porn on channel 88 I also did other things that made me bad ass, and not everyone can be badass at 12 years of age. Here is some more 12 year old gold:
~ Snoop Doggy Dogg's Doggystyle album was all I listened to in grade seven, me and this guy use to rap Lodi Dodi inbehind our portable. BEAT THAT
~ Every day at lunch I use to tip this kids desk over and all his papers would be spread all over the floor, I did it for a month straight, and all because he called me Tiny and I didnt like it.
~I got lice from my brother and my dad cut my hair off with a knife cause he couldn't find scissors. seriously. My hair was slanted on an angle forever because I refused to let anyone fix it.
~I had a hat that said "Bad Boys" on it and it was a metal plate and I would go to Stardust and guys liked it. I wish I still had that hat.
~I use to watch Welcome Back Kotter every day after school and eat Mr. Noodles.

Free Porn! Now That I have your attention....

2008-11-23T17:10:00.000-08:00

Does anyone remeber the scrambled-up porn they used to have on channel 88?
When I was 12, pre-illegal cable box days, I used to watch the scrambled up porn. Now, don't get all judgemental. Everyone did. I'm just the first to admit it.
I don't know why watched. I'd always mute it anyway, so my mom couldn't hear what was going on. And its not like I could really see anything. I'd just have to assume that there was something naughty going on. If it was a really bad (or good, however you look at it) scramble, you could see the outline of a penis or something, but that was it.
What is it about scrambled up porn that make people want to watch? I normally don't watch alot of porn, anyway. I find it kind of boring. I'm from Surrey, been there, done that. (I'm just kidding, by the way.)
Eventually, we got with the times and got one of those black boxes. My facination with the porn suddenly faded away. It was bizarre, once I could actually see what was going on, I lost interest.
Maybe it wasn't even about the porn itself, but the fact that it was forbidden. I'll never know.

Was this post too much information?

I don't care. Deal with it.

Drop Kick Your Jacket

2008-11-20T19:57:00.000-08:00

Mr. Belvedere you rock my world. And I dont care who knows.
Basically I am sitting sloth like on my couch, and I got this overwhelming urge to listen to the Mr. Belvedere theme song. And no it didnt dissapoint.
Regardless of that did you know this show was on for 5 years, that blows my mind.
FIVE YEARS!
And now I will leave you with a steamy picture to get you through the night and the words to the theme song.

Streaks on the china,
never mattered before,
who cares.

When you dropped kicked your jacket
As you came through the door,
No one glared.

But sometimes things get turned around
And no one’s spared.

All hands look out below T
here’s a change in the status quo.
Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival
Life is more than mere survival
We just might live the good life yet.

Just One More

2008-11-20T19:50:00.000-08:00

Okay so I dont want to make this all about 90210, but I put the DVD's on my Ziplist and have been watching the first season.
I am watching the episode where Dylan first kisses Brenda, you know after he gets in the fight with his father and then smashes the potted plant outside. Brenda freaks out and is all.
"Dylan your scaring me."
And he kisses her.
All I am wondering is how did Brenda get Dylan.
It doesnt make sense, he just wouldn't go for her. She is such a dweeb, or better yet A DIPSTICK.
Dylan could have any girl.....why would he choose whiney angsty pale Brenda?

On a side note does anyone remember when they were on the cover of Rolling Stone?
Its a effing music magazine for crying out loud, nice fucking band. Look at Brenda straddle her brother....yowza.

Breaking up is hard to do...

2008-11-17T19:49:00.000-08:00

A couple of seconds ago, I had been reminded of that episode of 90210 where Brandon and Emily Valentine go to the rave and she slips him some E, and then his car gets trashed. Then they have to make that float and she shows up out of nowhere wearing his favourite shirt and then when he gets pissed off at her again, she flips out and burns their float down.
Talk about irrational.
And she wonders why he broke up with her.
Women.

Fadulous Is What I Call It

2008-11-17T09:43:00.000-08:00

Blog buddy indeed!

I conqure about the fanny pack fad of the late eighties to early nineties, what were people thinking?
And then recently they thought they could bring them back and all the club-bunnies were sporting Louis Vuitton Fanny-paks and they were calling them "Bum Bag's" and I was like "I dont care what designer name you throw up on that fabric its still lame!" And girls the world over went clawing for my eyes.

There were a lot of Fad's that I didn't understand, but then there were the ones I totally got.

Like Mr. Noodles. Remember when you ate them dry and then the rumor went around that you would get worms if you ate them that way. And then I ate them more because I was trying to get a tape worm in hopes that I could shed a couple of LB's.
It didnt work, I didn't get a tape worm and I didn't loose weight, actually I just kept on gaining.

Another thing I never got. Colored pants.
And this is coming back I was in Urban Behaivor the other day (a store where if your over 21 you not allowed to go, they check your ID on the way in, and you cant get service and a large is really an extra small, and they put rhinestones and glitter on everything and the sixteen year old girl checking you out is sooooo slow she pops her gum and is like "yeah uhhh is this for you....grody", I have no idea why I was there upon reflection.) Anyways I saw yellow and purple jeans and I was like didnt designers learn there lesson in 92, that shits not right.

Oh Oh Oh, She's my covergirl.

2008-11-16T08:04:00.001-08:00

Last night, I went over to my cousin Kelly's house and in anticipation of Friday's concert, she busted out her old New Kids on the Block VHS tapes.

I've never seen so many teenage boys wear so many fanny packs. Honestly, what were they carting around that necessitates a fanny pack? There's no excuse for a fanny pack. Unless you're a drug dealer or a 75 year old woman, there no excuse for a fanny pack. I don't care what year it was. They could quite possibly be the stupidest thing ever invented.

I'd like the see the boardroom meeting that they had when they came up with the idea of fanny Packs (because in my mind, everything is thought up/ invented in a boardroom by a bunch of suits. It's true, ask Tina).

"I got it! I've come up with a purse that you can wear around your - wait for it - WAIST!!!! LIKE A BELT!!!!!!! " And then all of the suits would look at each other, as if their minds have been blown. And then the CEO of Stupid Ideas Inc stands up and starts a slow clap, which eventually leads to a roaring applause by the rest of them. Out of nowhere, they start to play "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang. The champagne is flowing and Nancy from accounting gets drunk hooks up with the 19 year old mail room kid.

I had a Circus Circus Fanny pack when I was a kid. I could never wear it though, it was too small for me. Maybe if the person who went to Vegas should have actually thought, "Hey! Christene's quite the little butterball, I think I'll get her an adult sized fanny pack not this tiny tiny kids one, so she's not all embarrassed and has to wear it like a normal purse." What a horrifying thing for an 8 year old. No wonder I ate my feelings.

I once heard a that Donnie said that he wanted to meet all of the girls he pulled up onstage when he sang cover girl. Now, out of all the concert footage I've ever seen of him singing that song, the girls he pulled up basically looked the same. Around 7-8 years old, blond and cute.

He would have never pulled me on stage. First off, they would have needed to use a forklift. Again, I was the most vile, chubbiest kid. I only bathed every other week and had a sweet bowl cut. Everyone thought I was a boy.

I'm starting to think that he was pre-screening these girls.

Now, 18 years later, those girls are ripe for the picking. How convenient that he got divorced from his wife right before the New Kids went on tour. What a dirty old man. He thought he could get away with it too. Good thing I'm here with my little joint-blog with Tina (that no one reads but us and Rebs Rebs) to foil his plan.

I want Charles in Charge of me.

2008-11-15T14:40:00.000-08:00

I love Scott Baio.

Young, studly, Scott Baio. Not Old, hairplugs Scott Baio. "Chachi" Scott Baio, not "45 and Single" Scott Baio.
Apparently, he was quite the stud back in the day. The ladies looooooooved him. And I don't blame them.

Look at him. Arms all crossed. How authoritative.
If I had that living in the basement, I'd never leave the house. I'm just saying. And, is that a banana down his pants?
You want to know something sad? I can still sing the "Charles in Charge" theme song word for word. That probably doesn't come as a shock to most of you. Theme songs are a talent of mine.

Apparently and I dont know if its true....

2008-11-15T08:51:00.000-08:00

Not that I want to tread on Christeen's Legend or anything, but I have heard the exact same thing about Danny Divto. Could it be true? IS that little pecker packing some serious wood? I dont know....
For him it seriously would be a third leg.
Maybe its just big in comparison to the rest of him.

Once I went to Mugs and Jugs to watch a midget stripper and the thing is everything about her was small EXCEPT her head and her vag. It was fairly disturbing, and not in a good way

Legend Has it, that he's a legend.

2008-11-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

Now, I only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night, so this may appear slighty crackish.

Quite some time ago, I heard an old Hollywood rumor that made this dirty old lady's ears perk up in interest.

According to insiders, 90210's Jason Priestley is one of the most well endowed men in Hollywood.

No wonder I liked him so much as a kid.

All kidding aside, I find this rumor kind of hard (hahhaha hard...nevermind) to swallow (hahahahahahahahah....again, nevermind.)

First of all, he's not the tallest dude out there. Compared to Steve Saunders, he's Matt Roloff. Now if someone was all like "Ian Ziering has the largest dong in the world", I'd believe them. I mean, look at his face. He must make up for his grotesqueness in at least one area, and why not the one area where it counts. Well, if you're Samanta from Sex and the City, it counts, but if you're a normal girl like myself, it's not the size of the boat that matters, it's the motion in the ocean. Was that too much information?

Secondly, I think I've seen the dude cross his legs like a lady, (I can't prove this, so don't ask me to.) which, from what I understand, the average male finds kind of difficult, let alone one with a larger than average plunker.

All this aside, I'm still slighty fascinated with Brandon Walsh's nether region.

Hearing this tidbit of juicy gossip prompted me to immediately dust off my copy of 90210 season 1, to do a little research, which basically came up fruitless. I paused and zoomed into his crotchetal area numerous times, at many many many different angles, and I'll admit, he did look like he was slightly packing. But let's be honest, it's nothing that a little panty stuffing wouldn't fix.

So, until I receive photographic evidence, (and if anyone has some, please send it this lonely old cougar's way) I'm going to go all Myth Busters style on this one consider this one busted.

Just Beat It

2008-11-13T06:34:00.000-08:00

While bumping along in the Silver Chariot that promptly picks my ass up at 5:26AM, I come to realize that Michael Jackson is one scary dude.
Now what happened to him? Its one of the great anomalies of the world. He is almost the eighth wonder of the world.
What sort of shit was this kid put through?
I don't know. But now it pains me to look at him.
And what was with the hanging the baby out the window trick?
That's just not using your common sense.
No matter how Effed up the boy is you have to admit the man had some tunes.
With amazing lyrics and a pop-tastic beat that could only be created by a 1989 keyboard, how can you go wrong?
Tonight I want you to sit back, slip on Jacko's number ones and remember the boy before the creature. Remember that not so scary person who use to thrill us.
Just whatever you do don't think of the storey about how his nose fell off.
Yuck!

Creepy & Kooky

2008-10-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't love the finger snapping theme song from the Addams Family?
No one. That's what I thought.
When I was a porky child I use to watch the Addams Family and The Munsters and I would debate over which family I would want to live with more. Granted the Addams Family had Lurch and Thing, which made them appealing to my nine year old brain, but The Munsters had Grandpa, and well lets just say Grandpa was the bomb. Not to mention they had that freak Marylin who just wanted to be more Munster like, I think I would have fit in better with them, they had the best car.

I was sad when Raul Julia died, and then the Addams family sequals had a different day. Lame.

Fred Gwynne kicks ass!

Hmmmm..

2008-10-21T16:57:00.000-07:00

I always got Tim Curry and Raul Julia mixed up.
Am I the only one??

Meh, anyway.

Just A Sweet Transvetite

2008-10-08T05:06:00.001-07:00

Since its October and we will be blessed with Halloween in just a couple of weeks I wanted to touch down on the subject of Tim Curry.

Is anyone else mildly attracted to this guy, such as I?

Every time I watch Rocky Horror I get hopeful that Dr Frank-N-Futer is a real person and one day I will get stuck in his house and they will dance and sing with me. Silly pipe dreams I know.

But this guy makes being a transvestite seem like a good idea.

Just deny that hes attractive....I dare you?

And then there was his young and fresh face in Clue, another of my T-Curry Faves.....Have you seen it? Why not? Go rent it you! Actually go buy it for 9.99 at future shop cause your going to love it anyways.....

Timmy really is living it large with the cult classics, and creeped out characters.....remember he was the Clown in the Sewer in"IT", and even though I follow the rule of never taking anything from a clown in the sewer if it was T-Curry down there I might bend my rules.

I Endorse Creepiness!

Nothing Like A Man In A Loin Cloth

2008-09-28T17:24:00.000-07:00

(An excerpt from the slightly wrecked mind of a once greasy rat nest-hair girl from the flat lands of Surrey...Whalley to be exact)

Dear Brendan Fraser:

I have noticed you. I would like to let you know that when you wear that loin cloth it makes me need a cloth for my loin (wow that's inappropriate). Isn't it amazing that they gave you a couple of movies where you had to wear a little piece of cloth over your private parts, the cinema block buster Encino Man being my favorite all time.....whenever someone grunts near me and paints weird stick figures on walls with mud I get a little over excited. And then George of the Jungle....though you were mind numbingly stupid in it you were still very pretty to look at.

Once upon a time you were young and you soothed my most anxious nights....as your getting older I have seen less of you, but I still revisit the days of yester year which are chronologically categorized on my shelves....VHS to be exact....and watch what you were to me....nothing but a baby faced boy, dancing across the days of my life.....

Mrs. Winterborn, Son In Law, Airheads and another of my personal favorites School Ties, only allowed my bond to you grow stronger...and here I sit, thinking about your career and wondering, what happened...what went wrong....

why is it that you haven't done a good movie in forever? is it because you started to go bald and you had to get hair plugs? I don't know.....

I can only hope that one day (soon?) you will tap into your money and get some plastic surgery and come back as the man I once knew...young, fresh and hip.

Until then I have my trusty vids that will keep me warm.

Sincerely,

Tina

SHUUUUUUUUUUUUSH.

2008-09-25T20:44:00.001-07:00

Michael DeLuise is an amazing specimen of a man.

Well, back in 1993 he was.

SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH!!

On a side note, Brendan Fraser is still hot, even though he's balding.

Gonzagas.

Its Wahlberg-Mania

2008-09-24T18:54:00.001-07:00

I see where your coming from, there is nothing more un-nerving then a man showing you the helicopter while he is sweating up a storm, wearing nothing but a bow-tie and saying things like "This is a treat just for you special lady"...I have only once seen a male stripper and though some women flock to see the sausage unwrapped I like to see penis' exactly where they should be under Cotton, then under jeans, securely wrapped snug and safe away from my delicate eyes....its doesn't seem to matter how old (or wiser) I get I still have a fear of getting my eye poked out by some guy named Hot Rod's dink.

And what is with the ladies? All sense of rational thinking gets tossed willy-nilly out the window, and all of a sudden Maggie, mother of two married for ten years and kindergarten teacher, is putting fives down her shirt trying to get the greasy haired spanish dish Marco "The Taco Pleaser" Lopez to pull them out with his teeth, while she screams "Give me the burrito you spicy thaaaaaaaaaaannng". But I digress, what I really wanted to make a note about was Christene's mention of lusting after the illustrious Donnie Wahlberg.

I never wasted my time liking anyone else, I was hip to the bad boy long before any fat ratty haired 7 year old around...it was as though I had a bad boy-dar....maybe it was when Donnie would curse during interviews and they would have to beep it out that first opened my eyes, but I was hooked...but then something better came along, it was 1991 one and a chubby-cheeked girl in spandex pants and her mothers Yosemite Sam t-shirt (me) caught a glimpse at something better....

Marky Mark and the funky bunch....you can have the funky bunch, give me the Marky Mark!

If Donnie was the "bad-boy" then Marky Mark taught him everything he new and saved the majority for himself....he was bad to the mother f-ing bone..and he had that great Boston accent we all know and love but most likely it was because he always had his shirt off, which to this day still sends me in a dizzy. Thank you Calvin Klein you made my youth much much easier

I remember taping video of Mark doing push-ups on a chair and rewinding it and watching it 8 billion times....lets all say it together before I go "Mark Wahlberg was, is and always will be a God"......

I've got some good vibrations for you Mark!

N.K.O.T-Weeeeeee!!

2008-09-24T16:56:00.001-07:00

Now, this has been quite the year for the comebacks.
I, for one, could not be happier.
It seems as if they're bringing back everything I remember from my childhood, which, sadly, makes me feel old and kind of pathetic.
I'm kind of like the scuzzy middle aged lady who frequents Chicago Tonight only for their "Ladies Night" thinking she has a chance with 'Stallion', the stripper who dresses up like a cowboy.
You know, night clubs never have those ladies nights with the male strippers any more. What happened? My friend Kristyl and I once went to the Mirage too early on a Friday night (for those not in the know, the Mirage held their "ladies night" every friday) back when we were 19 and were treated to quite the sausage show. We never made that mistake again. No wonder I waited so long to lose my virginity (I also had no real offers, but that's beside the point). These grown men, pranced around while droves of sex-deprived middle-aged women screamed things like "Shake it for Momma!"

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, comebacks.

I, for one, am most happy to see the New Kids back in action.
I loved those crazy little bastards.
I wanted to marry Joe McIntyre. Maybe it was the hat he used to wear with the cut-out on the top so his curls could spill out.
Perhaps that is the root of my fascination of curly haired men....Damn you, Joe McIntyre!
At one point, I was so obsessed with New Kids, I used to fantasize about joining the band.
What purpose would I serve in the band? I'd be this awkward, chubby 8 year old girl just standing there. I would be just like Atlas from Catwalk. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catwalk_(TV_series)
(Ahhhh Catwalk...There's a show they should re-make.

What was I thinking?

All the time I was all about the Joe, I could have been lusting after Donnie. Now, there's a man you can sink your teeth into. He was all motorcycles and mullets.

Badass. If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Stop Right Now, Before We Go Any Further

2008-09-16T19:43:00.000-07:00

With such hits as Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad, I'd Do Anything For Love But I Wont Do That and Paradise By The Dashboard Lights, you have to assume that everyone on the planet has the same appreciation for Meatloaf as I do. Not only are his songs chalked full of amazing lyrics, melodic vocals and soothing rhythms, but look at his HAIR! And he always wears a dress shirt with the buttons undone....that sweaty beast, he is mind blowing. I always stare in awe when a man with that sort of girth hauls ass around a stage....

This man delivers in everything he has his hand in....watching one of his music videos is an assault for all your senses. Especially I'd Do Anything For Love, its all towers and motorcycle and white linen....everything that makes a truly good video.

And hes an actor....Eddie in Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Tiny in Wayne's World....and lets not forget the Robert Paulson in Fight Club....

Dude takes the words right out of my mouth......

On the other hand Meatloaf as a food is comforting and why is it that all the comforting foods are considered a poor peoples food....like Chili, macaroni and cheese, and baked beans and hot dogs?

Better Dressed, And Here To Impress

2008-09-14T20:52:00.000-07:00

Though its true I like my men like a fine wine, (and Christene I know you too can appreciate a fine wine), I also found the appeal of AC Slater....oh Mario Lopez how happy I am you found work after Save By the Bell....and Christene you ask who dresses sharper then AC well I would like to cast my vote for best dressed too Joey Jeramiah...no one has ever made denim vests and fedoras more attractive then Joey...be still my beating heart.... And when did tying bandannas around your upper arm or leg go out of style? A quarter past NEVER.

A close runner up behind Joey (and this is all in my humblest opinion) is Uncle Jesse...you know him, and you love him.

How heart breaking was it when he actually settle down with that bitch Rebecca?

My eleven year old heart was never the same after the baby back ribs baby carrot episode....

But Uncle Jessie had style...its true tight black jeans still give me hot flashes....and then I find myself thinking back to Jesse and the Rippers crooning 'Forever' to me whilst I lay on my bed in my over sized goofy t-shirt and spandex pants, eats my mothers baking chocolate...YIKES.

Did anyone ever notice how Jesse Katsopolis hair could rival Heather Lockliers circa 1979?

AC Slater and Christian Slater, Separated at Birth?

2008-09-13T08:19:00.000-07:00

I like Christian Slater, and I agree, Tina, no one deserves a comeback more than him.
However, don't get me wrong, but Christian Slater kind of comes off as a greasy old man to me. Even when he was in his 20's he still seemed old. Perhaps that's his appeal. I don't know.
As a young child, I questioned his appeal, as a 27 year old woman, I find his old-greasiness somewhat intriguing, kind of like a plate of devilled eggs left out for like 6 hours at a party. You're not sure if you should eat them and they could make you sick, but they just look so interesting, you just can't resist.
However, i'm not sure if I'm the best person to judge anyone's attractiveness, considering that I have the sex appeal of a Middle Aged, frequent Bingo playing, chain smoking, Surrey Mother who screams at her children to "Shut the Hell up! I'm watching My Stories!" I know you're all thinking it, I'm just keepin' it real. Beeotches. (I'm so street.)
While Tina liked her men a little on the pension-y side, I prefered mine innocent looking. The type of man you could take home to Moms and Pops, the kind of guy who'd never forget to say please and thank you. (It's funny, 'cause the man I married uses the F-word as a noun, go figure.)
And before I forget to touch down on the subject, I think the fact that AC Slater and Christian Slater have the same last name is a coincience. Or they could be related.

AC slater had the best wardrobe. Cut off mesh shirts, acid wash jeans, wrestling uniforms. Whenever he wanted to get a little fancy, he rocked a silk, teal shirt. I don't know anyone else in the entire world who dressed as sharp as AC.

Lift that stool, flex those muscles.

So I Smell A Come-back?

2008-09-07T20:54:00.000-07:00

As a chubby awkward thirteen year old I would sit on my bed and watch the opening scene of Kuffs over and over again....You know the scene, the one where Christian Slater is dancing around half naked to "The Futures So Bright I got To Wear Shades" (by Timbuk 3). I am not too sure what it is about C-Slate, maybe its the cool hair, or the sexy voice, the hot body....I can't pin point it but still 11 years later I am still drawn the to charismatic little fucker...

It seemed when Christian was young he was given the cream of the crop of movies, such amazing films like Pump Up The Volume, Heathers, Kuffs, Untamed Hearts, Very Bad Things and Bed of Roses....but then something happened....something called the millennium...no seriously the dude hasn't done a good film since the year 2000....And it saddens me to no end.

Well now its 2008 and I have been itching for a Christian Slater come back for years...I need to feast my eyes on the face I once knew by memory and the TV gods have complied and have delivered forth My Own Worst Enemy(a new TV show featuring the one and only Slater)....I am hoping its good and shoots C-Slate back to fame and fortune so that I can see him shirtless more....
(On a side note do you think the creator of Saved By The Bell loved Christian Slater and that's why they gave AC his last name Slater?)

The Macarena?

2008-09-06T11:15:00.000-07:00

Who sang it? Los Del Rios, what else did they sing? I dont know!

The macarena lists amongts the dance routine songs...songs that have dance routines that accompany them....these songs are hated the world over, and mostly only get play at weddings....

YMCA, Hand Jive, Staying Alive....whatever....

Whats with the part of the song where it sounds like someone is horking up a big wad of snot saliva....thats the part in the dance where people turn 90 degrees....

Now thinking about it the only song thats cool that has a dance associated with it is......

The Time Warp.

On a side note.....who doesnt love Tim Curry?

SJP??

2008-09-05T22:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm going to keep this short.

In response to Tina's post.

I like SJP. She just looks like she smells like cat pee.

Just sayin'.

I had a friend in High School who smelled like manure.

New topic.

The Macarena.

Discuss amongst yourselves....

Look How Far Shes Come

2008-09-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

In 1965 just a glimmer in her mothers eye, now shes famous....for what?
Hanging out with tramps in NYC and writing about her sexual exploits....
More know her as Carrie Bradshaw then Sarah Jessica Parker....
Part of me thinks shes just a little full of herself, three names Sarah?
Come on!
Some can debate where her fame first came from....although she did portray Rusty in Footloose, it was truly Girls Just Want To Have Fun that won the world over, this ultra cool (some may say Cinema Classic) is all about big hair and neon clothes....I think this movie is under appreciated and often neglected when folks talk of Dance Movies...
This is all about two friends who just want to DANCE! and become dancing regulars on Dance TV....what about this situation isn't pure Gold.....
Not only did this movie force upon the world SJP it also starred HELEN HUNT! that Mad About You Gal that were all just mad about (are we?).
A awkward 20 year old Sarah Jessica is amazing and some may say shes come a loooooonnnng way.
On the other hand my boyfriend feels that she looks like Dee Snider...You be the judge:

I've been slacking off.

2008-09-04T15:09:00.000-07:00

Sorry Tina,

I've been neglecting this blog, and I should have children's services take it away from me.

I watched the new 90210 on Tuesday. What a waste of time. (Although, I'll probably still watch it on a regular basis, because I'll watch anything that's colorful and shiny. I'm kind of like a budgie when it comes to my TV choices.)

It seems like it was trying too hard to be 'The OC." But, I'm not interested in the new cast. They can overdose on percocets for all I care.

Although, I was pleased to see Brenda back in the picture. It's nice to see Shannen Doherty get some work. I think her finest work was in the 1997 TV movie "Friends 'Till the End" where she was a college student in a band and was being stalked by the girl who played the wheelchair girl Zack dated in Saved by the Bell. But, I'm getting off topic.

Back to Shan Shan....Is it just me or is she looking super Ratty these days?

Someone's had work done. I think she went to the same surgeon that Tori Spelling went to for her boob job.

MEEEEOOOWWWW.... how catty of me.

I miss the old 90210. I think that the best part of 90210 hands down was Dylan's hair. He had this dangerous '50's greaser thing going on. I'm sad it didn't catch on like the 'Rachael'.

This is getting silly. Silly Christene.

When I googled 'Shannen Doherty pics' I found this:

Alfonz Hercules Bundy?

2008-09-02T19:11:00.000-07:00

Whatever happenend to Ed O'Neill?

Nice Jacket Ian Ziering

2008-09-01T15:46:00.000-07:00

For ten years I watched 90210 and for some reason for those ten years it seemed feesible....but I have been rewatching this show and its simply not rational....
These people do NOT look like high school students (ecspecially Ian Ziering, hes like 37 years old, and is always sporting the worst clothes, Hi Dad) and the plot is above and beyond mind boggling....
I was watching the episode where Donna Martin gets drunk at prom and gets suspended, and she has to go to trial and then the class of 93 walks out and marches....yeah that happens.
No one looks like these people. No one acts like these people.
This show gave me a false sense of what high school would be like....
Remember Brandons girlfriend who slipped the drug Euphoria in Brandons drink at the under ground club.....these people are like 16 years old and they're cruising around in cars and wearing half tops....lifes hard in Beverly Hills.