And Now An Excerpt From In Touch Magazine

Everything is cooler when Sean Connery says it.
It's the accent. It's the fact that he is so suave and debonair. It's cause he was bond.
Regardless he could make reading about the Octo-Mom sound interesting, or reading about the normal things celebrities do.
"Oh look it's Jude Law, taking his children out for ice cream. And here is Zac Efron looking smashing in just a white t-shirt and jeans."
If I could be as cool as Sean Connery my life would be ten times better. I would be knee deep in pussy and people would pay me to talk to them.
I don't have a cool accent. I have a Canadian accent. I talk funny.
What is with In Touch magazine anyways?
What is the appeal? No really I want to know.
The thing is that I read them all the time and I still don't know why I do it. I don't give a fuck of Brad and Angelina are having marital issues, or how Megan Fox is a skinny little twat. (By the way Transformers fucking sucked). So why do people buy them?
I propose a ban on tabloid magazines. Who is with me?
No one.
Figures.
Sean Connery would be with me. And look he is still cool when he was in Zardoz!

Mo Po Fo Sho!

Remember the Mike Tyson's punch out post where I promised a 3 post a week guarantee?
Well, like most of my promises, that was empty.

Anyway....

I have excellent news. Tomorrow, in my little dungeon in the depths of my parent's basement, I get cable.
And we all know what that means.......I get to watch MAURY POVICH when I get ready in the mornings now!!!! What a Time to be alive!!!
If you know me, you know I loves me some MoPo.
Wild Teens, paternity tests, obese babies, Geek to chic. I love it all. Well, with the exception of the Jack Hanna episodes.
Those always make me angry.
If I had a dollar for every time I flip through the channels and get all excited to see Maury - only to be disappointed because some asshole is showing off his baby kangaroo, I'd be Bill effin' Gates. You know, if I wanted to see baby monkeys, I'd go to the zoo. Maury is for the exploitation of people's unfortunate situations. Not education.

The only thing I want to learn from Maury is to double bag it.

EMO!

This morning Christene says to me, "Calm down emo!"
Now I can't stop thinking about emo things.
And the most emo song?
Bif Naked's Daddy's Getting Married.
While looking out my window at work I got to thinking, why the fuck is a thirty year old woman singing about her father getting married?
Maybe she is trying to reach out to all those kids whose parents have split up. Isn't that the norm anyways? Isn't that what parents are supposed to do?
Mine are still together, barely. But my mom was married before and my dad married twice, so I don't know.
Not only that but why is a grown woman calling her father Daddy?
This song makes me want to slit my wrists just to get away from it.
Let me break it down for you:

don't ask me how i am today (why would I ask I don't want to know)
don't wanna talk about it (well it's a good thing I didn't ask)
don't ask what the matter is (something is always the matter with you anyways)
today's the big day (why are you finally going to smile or wear something other than black?)
daddy's getting married (Oh...well good for him, I hope he is happy)
mama wipe yer tears away (Your mother is a grown woman she will be fine)
my daddy's getting married (You already said this)
i don't know what to say (Maybe tell him congratulations you spoiled fucking brat)
my daddy's getting married (whine whine bitch moan)
today's the big day (Do you have a nice black dress and a fucking parasol?)
my daddy's getting married (You repeat yourself alot)
mama wipe yer tears away (Maybe you should focus on wiping your own tears away you emo bitch).

End Emo Rant Now.


I don't care what anyone says, she looks like a man to me.

A Mullet Named Dog

I was just watching TV and a commercial came on that stated that Dog the Bounty Hunter would be back for another season. My question is this...
REALLY? No Really?
I mean come on. What is wrong with the general mass public? This isn't a television program, this isn't entertainment...this is just sad. This is a Mullet named Dog who has a trashy wife, scratch that, a trashy family and a vigilante mindset. What's that about? Does everyone forget the fact that Dog actually went to jail.
Not only that but look at his hair...
And this is season number SEVEN. No shit.
I hang my head and give a soft little prayer for the dignity of human kind that just fluttered out the window...
Bounty Hunter....screw that shit...more like Godawful Hairdo Hunter.
FECK!
Oh look at this is a charming wedding photo:


How fucking big is that chicks boooooooooobs?

Tina got low.

Lately, it seems as if all Tina talks about these days is "FloRida"


She enjoys him.

Wrong Said Fred

It's not that I disagreed C-Bizz it's that I merely stated that Right Said Fred were the first douche-bags.
Case and point, the picture depicted below. Granted these douche-muffins don't have frosted tips they do have the other traits that are key give-aways when trying to spot a douche-bag. The godawful tattoos, the presence of a cross (when clearly religion doesn't play a role in their lives) the sleeveless shirts, the camo pants, the intense 'you messin' with me' look in their eyes.
We were discussing who the FIRST douche-bag was and thought Nick Lachey is indeed the douchiest of the douchey he was not the FIRST douche bag.

Beefy Biceps.

Tina begs to differ, but I feel as if Nick Lachey is the world's first super douche-bag.

Look at him - Beefy Biceps. Beefy Bicep tattoo. Frosted tips. Reality TV show. Boy Band. Confident swagger.
I could keep going, but I'd be here all day. (That's what she said.)
He's the male equivalent to a turbo slut.

Oh Mylanta!

DJ Tanner had the best insults.

"Nerd Bomber" was my favourite.

"Let's Keep it Clean"

OK, Fine.
Sorry Tina.
I neglect this blog, I realize that.
From now on, I'm giving you a 3 post a week guarantee.

One thing I've been really thinking about lately is that time I beat Mike Tyson in "Mike Tyson's Punch Out", and how no one believes me.

It really happened, people!

I was using the game genie at the time and I got the code for the Mike Tyson level off the Internet (I had to - I usually can't make it past king hippo, that fat bastard.) , so I guess you could call it semi-cheating - but I did take down the monster. And really, isn't that the only thing that matters?

I remember the day like it was yesterday.
I was 22 years old. Hot off the heels of a break-up with my first boyfriend, I had been living at my parent's house. The first order of business was for me to hook up my old Nintendo to the TV in my bedroom. At the time, Nintendo was therapeutic for me. Nothing mends a broken heart like 8-bit graphics and worn down thumb pads.

This had not been my first attempt to take the great one down.
Many times, I had punched in that code (007 373 5963), only to get my ass handed to me on a platter.

However, for some reason, this time was different. I felt it.

I don't remember how the next 3 minutes went. It was all a blur.
I do remember being shocked that I managed to go 3 minutes without being knocked out.

Then, it happened.

The referee had ruled in my favor!
Mike Tyson had the "I'm so pissed off I lost" look on his face.
I frantically looked around to see if anyone had witnessed my victory, but sadly, no one was there to see.


Whenever I tell anyone about this, they don't believe me.
And it consumes me.

Leppy What the Deuce

Alright so basically I write this blog on my own. Which is fine but, should I change the name to Tina VS Tina?
It will be like Kramer Vs Kramer but not nearly as famous!
In a fit of holy crap-ness I wanted to mention something that completely slipped my mind until recently. Remember that song, MMM MMM MMM MMM. What sort of name was that? I mean come on! That Crash Test Dummies song was freaking creepy. CREEPY! It kind of freaked me out when I was a little kid. I mean i walked around fearing that my hair was going to suddenly turn bright white when I woke up in the morning. And I never attended church because i was scared that I would shake and lurch and puke all over the church floor. That said...dudes voice was deep. Once on pop up video I learned that when he was in choir he actually sang alto or something like that. Oh pop up video how informative you were. Where are you now?
Hey they were canadian too! From Winnipeg, and you thought nothing good came out of Winnipeg and by good I mean half decent-sort of.
Fuck fine. I liked them. Assholes.
DO you remember the album that song came off of? God Shuffled His Feet, what a messed up album cover...no really look...



CRAZY!

This Blog Is Falling Apart At It's Seams, You Maggot!

I would like to take a moment to say that I am not too good for this blog, unlike Christene who is riding around on her high horse in the office telling people how she has three days to live. Yeah yeah yeah we get it your name is featured in the new horror movie. I'm just jealous because the likelihood that a movie is going to be made with my name is slim to none, "T.L Tyson has a job she doesn't understand, a boyfriend who takes bubble baths and way more years to grace this earth before she dies and the world collectivly sighs with relief"

Anyways, does anyone remember the game Nightmare?
It actually scared the shit out of me when I was a little kid. People would be like "Let's play Nightmare" and I was like "YEAH!", and then I would say I have a stomach cramp and hide in the bathroom for the duration of the game.
I didn't enjoy being called a maggot or a harbingers....
The Gatekeeper was simply a control freak and just when you think you were getting ahead and going to make it out of the game with your sanity he punished you.

Does anyone have this game? I think we should get together and play it.



(Completely off topic the song, Take My Breath Away by Berlin is playing on a coworkers radio and all I can think about is how Dangerous Iceman is out there.)

IT'S A THRILLER, THRILLER NIGHT!!!

I'm sorry, Tina.
Lately, I've been having issues with thinking up totally rad stuff to write about.

This morning, I was talking to Andy Chan when the subject of Oprah's 1993 interview with Michael Jackson came up.
I remember that at the time, nothing that had ever aired on TV compared to this event. People from all over the world were glued to their TV sets, thinking that the mystery of this bizarre little man would be solved.
I seem to recall that the only thing revealed was that he wasn't a virgin.
And quite frankly, I'm not shocked.
If you think about it, he was quite the heartthrob in his youth. And with music super stardom there are always groupies. And apparently, groupies are slutty.
So, do the math. I'm sure the dude was "hitting skins" with the ladies when he was 12.

Then, I got to thinking about the time he was married to Lisa Marie Presley for 4 1/2 minutes. Remember when they were all like "I know you people don't believe that we're in love so we're going to have this awkward make-out session in front of a live audience."?
Ok, anyone can make out. It's not like you have to be in love. And I seem to recall Lisa Marie trying to pull away pretty quick.
I don't blame her. I wouldn't make out with Michael Jackson for all the kangaroos in Australia.

Now, Samuel L. Jackson. That's a different story.

Trashy Teen Fiction

Christene never writes on this blog and I'm thinking about changing the name of it to Tina Vs Tina. I think it has a nice ring to it.
Before there were glittering vampires and kids with lightening bolt scars on their faces there were young adult novel writers who wrote a ten books a year and gave them hokey names and pictures on the covers. Before Stephanie Meyer (bleh) and J.K Rowling there were the other writers who made the youth read. And those writers were: R.L Stein, Christopher Pike, Lois Duncan.
I am taking a moment out of my busy schedual to post a blog about Christopher Pike.
It seems as though the youth of my day and age were divided into two groups. People who liked Christopher Pike and the ones who liked R.L Stein.
And then their were the weirdos who liked Lois Duncan but I'm not even going to waste my energy mentioning them...Wait a second...I just did.
Anyways I always found the R.L Stein books a little more on the juvenile side where as the Christopher Pike ones were darker and more evil. They also mentioned sex in them. Of course there were the younger books which were called the Spooksville Series and I never read any of those ones.
Some of my all time favorite C.P books were: The Weekend (where a group of friends go away and a whole mystery unravels), Last Act (kids put on a play about murder and then one of the leading ladies gets shot), and The Midnight Club (terminally ill kids gather to tell tales or horror and they make a pact that when the first one dies they will contact the others).
When I moved from Vancouver back to Surrey I got rid of some books and for awhile there (approx. 3 minutes) my Christopher Pike books were in the togo pile, but I just couldn't do it. I just didn't have it in me to throw those classic gems out.

Billboard Hits Of 2009

The other day I got it in my head to get in touch with the kids and download some popular music to see just what it is the teenagers were listening too. While perusing Mininova I came across a file titled 'Billboard hits of 2009'. This struck me as oddly entertaining so I was like okay.

First off it's March. How can there be 100 hits already? Is the rest of the year screwed. Regardless this is what I learned.

1. Pink is still making music.

2. So is Britney Spears

3. Every song features T.I

4. Out of 100 songs there were only 6 that I actually liked and they all featured either T.I, Justin Timberlake or T-Pain.

5. Beyonce is full of herself

6. Kids these days like whiney music. (and there was a Lifehouse song in the 100 and that scared me because they were the biggest mistake of 2000 when No Name Face came out and people thought 'hey these guys aren't bad'.

7. Bands really like to synthasize their voices. Apparently sounding like a robot is cool.

8. It is popular to have lyrics about popping champagne

9. Adele was the only female that could actually sing. (oh and lily allen)

10. Katy Perry should be shot in the face. (how does she have three hits?)


Take from this what you will.

And a confusing part of the below pie chart is the biggest section is 'pop' yet there is another section titled 'teen pop'. Are not pop and teen pop the same?

Grunge Reduex

I have a few things to say about this as well, and here they are.

Not only did grunge bring us plaid and ripped jeans, but it also gave us wearing long underwear under our ripped jeans. Do you remember this? I think because I grew up in the nineties I find that waffle like material of long underwear oddly comforting. It also gave us the angsty teenage attitude. This was all grunge. Grunge is to the nineties as Emo is to the new millennium (what the fuck do you call the 2000's anyways...zero zeros?

Think about it.

Before the nineties, and grunge music, the only angsty teens were the punk rockers, and they were violent and really weren't so much angsty as they were mean. Thank you grunge for putting the acoustic guitar into the teens hands and teaching how to write suicide music.

To all the Emo kids on the street I want to yell, 'I was depressed long before you were, that was so 1994.'

Some maybe wondering where the word grunge came from, it was actually the lead singer of the band Green River (and later Mudhoney) that is credited for using it first. Do you want to know where those bands were from? Seattle (as Christene previously mentioned) which was the epicentre for grunge bands.

Some note worthy bands that turned the world around:

Nirvana (most famous and most fucked)

Soundgarden

Alice in Chains

Pear Jam

Screaming Trees

The Melvins

These were all of the Seattle area, crazy? Indeed.

noteworthy outside of Seattle?

One of my personal favorites Stone Temple Piolets

From the way I am talking it sounds as though grunge did no wrong...oh they did plenty wrong and that was HOLE and Courtney Love. Fuck that bitch is annoying, and very unpleasant to look at. Just the thought of her living on the same planet as me makes me want to hang myself.

And sadly I do believe it was grunge that was responsible for bands like Creed, Nickleback, Puddle Of Mud and Staind. These bands were called post-grunge. And they were (and still are for that matter) shit.

Grandma take me home.

This morning, I looked in Tina's window at work and noticed something.
I'm dressed like Kurt Cobain today.
Striped cardigan, black band T-Shirt, converse shoes, jeans....I look like I stepped out of 1994.

So, naturally, Tina and I made the decision to bring grunge back.
It's due for a comeback.
Just think of all the good stuff that came out of the grunge era:

-Doc Martens
-Seattle
-Long greasy unwashed hair
-plaid shirts tied around waists
-Angry youth
-Grunge music
-Hair Dyed with Kool-aid
-Ripped jeans
-Corduroy Pants

Rad.

Ridiculous in Pink

Now, as we all know, I'm no fashion plate.

My idea of a fancy outfit is a hoodie without holes in it.
But, as lacking as my fashion sense is, I know what looks ridiculous.
And Molly Ringwald's dress in "Pretty in Pink" is quite possibly the most hideous thing I've ever seen.
This crazy bitch takes 2 perfectly good vintage '60's prom dresses and decides to make a creation of her own.
At first, you think, "Hey! What's the worst that could happen? She seems like a sensible girl."


And then she shows up at prom looking like this:

Bitch be crazy.

She should have picked ducky.

That Spicoli's Come A Great Distance

This weekend I was watching Milk, you know the one that Sean Penn got his Oscar for, and I got to thinking. He sure has come a long way. Don't get me wrong I loved him when he was ordering pizza in his class and sporting the long greasy surfer dude hair, but still. Look at him now. He went from movies like Taps and Bad Boys to such heart wrenching films as Mystic River, Dead Man Walking and The Thin Red Line.

I know people were torn down the middle about Mickey Rourke and Sean Penn duking it out for the Best Actor award this year at the Oscars and here's the thing.

Yes, Mickey Rourke was amazing playing a washed up wrestler, but to be honest he had been a washed up actor for so long that it wasn't too much of a stretch for him to play this part. I loved the movie and I thought he did an amazing job (i also though Marisa Tomi had a hot little body for someone her age but that's a different blog altogether.)

But Sean Penn isn't gay. And he had to do something that many actors had reservations about and that was going full gay. And he did it with finesse. Just like Robert DeNeiro said, "How did Sean Penn ever get a role as a straight guy?"

That's how well he did it.

The role was complex, and though I, and the rest of the nation, would cross coals to kiss James Franco, Sean Penn did it with enough passion that you questioned whether their wasn't something else behind that kiss.

Nick Miller said 'If I had to kiss a guy I would kiss James Franco' and that just sums it all up.

So in the end Sean Penn has come a long way, you can't help but love his gentle ways with Hollywood and he played a gay man extremely well.

The movie had a point to make, and I'm glad he won. Everyone deserves equal rights, the gays, the straights and the washed up wrestlers.

They tore down heaven to build townhouses.

Why is it that they take everything that's good and perfect in the world and tear it down to build townhouses?

Take the Hillcrest Drive-in, for example.
I grew up minutes away from the place, but had only been once.
If I tuned my radio into the station, I could pick up the signals and listen to the movies, that's how close I lived to it.


Yet, I never fully appreciated it.



The one time I went, I was 12. Our next door neighbour, Mrs. Bell, took me and her two daughters Jillian and Natalie, to go see "Land of the Rising Sun" and "Robin Hood : Men in Tights". I remember being embarrassed, because we were in our pajamas, and we went to the concession stand and people were staring at us. The other two didn't seem to care, they were getting candy.
Then Natalie took her shoes off, and for some reason, she had the worst smelling feet for a 9 year old and stunk up the car.

As a 12 year old, I was too young to fully appreciate the history of the place.
I'm sad that my only memories of the place involved Natalie stinking up the car with her feet and me being embarrassed that I was in my pajamas.



A couple of years ago, they decided to tear the place down to build townhouses.
They re-opened in Aldergrove, but its not the same.

Oh well, I'll always have this:

Crazy Hot dog.

The Octo-Mom does not have 8 arms.

I hate the Octo-Mom.

She annoys the shit out of me.



That is all.







I

Look At These Morose MotherFuckers Right Here

I forced Jay to watch Jay and Silent Bob Strike back the other night.
And he didnt seem to find it as funny as I did. And I was at a loss for words.
What is there not to love?
You have Matt Damon and Ben Affleck making fun of themselves. Along with The Dawson and The Pie Fucker too!
Then Wes Craven Appears out of no where to a bitching Shannon Doherty, which only makes comedy gold.
So he tells me that threre were parts that were funny but most of it was stupid, this coming from the guy who LOVED Hamlet 2. No joke.
Then he tells me that he doesn't really like Kevin Smith movies. Then he says well except Dogma and Zack and Miri Make A Porno. Hey dude? That means you like his movies.
So personally i think he went into watching the movie with a bad attitude and a feeling of "I'm not going to like this regardless"
I hate people like this. Get over yourselves.
And though I didn't really like Chasing Amy, and I sort of thought Clerks was boring in parts. You still can't say you dont like "insert a directors name here" movies. Because how can you DISLIKE THEM ALL?
It's like if I were to say, "I hate Steven Spielberg movies"
I'm a liar. Cause you can't gate them all.
Anyways. the Point is Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is a laugh out loud Comedy fest!
It's worth it to hear Ben Affleck say "Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms yo!"

Comedy Monster

Back in the day, I had a huge crush on Conan O'Brien.
I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the whole sense of humor thing, I don't know.
Maybe it was his flowing ginger locks, maybe it was the cowlick in the middle of his forhead.
What can I say? I'm a strange lady.

Anyway, we were watching his show last night and I couldn't help but notice how old he was looking.
And how tall he was. I always thought he was average height but apparently, he's like 6'5.
6'5???
That's insane.
And since he's so skinny, he looks like a monster.
Not like Charlize theron's Eileen Wuermos monster. A Hilarious monster.

This is really going nowhere.

In Sync With JT

You know who has come a long way? Justin Timberlake.
I admire his style, I admire his pinash and I admire the way he wormed his way into my heart.
Back when he was hanging out Lance Bass and those other guys who I can't remember their name I disliked him, actually I might even go so far to say I hated him. Do I dare? Yes I do. I hated him. He was boring, dressed funny and dated Britney Spears for crying out loud. Only people like K-fed date britney. (that is pathetic men who had identity crisisis because they dont know whether they are white or black.)
So I didnt like JT on principle. but then something happened. And that something was Justified.
It was amazing, it was funny, he showed us he had a heart but wasnt afraid to get down in dirty. And then he ripped Janet Jackson's shirt at the Super bowl and in that moment my eyes were opened and I sat up and took notice.
So while I was noticing JT did something that put a smile on my face, he took up acting. Not the crapy Mickey Mouse club crap that he was doing when he was a ankle biter. No he came along and did Alpha Dog, Black Snake Mone and Southland Tales. Movies that were not just okay, movies that were good. And then just when the world was taking him seriously he did something even more amazing, he did the SNL skit with Andy Samberg "Dick In A Box' and that was it. He had won me over. He had me at 'you put your dick in the box'.
(I also feel the need to mention that he was one of the chipmunks in a skit as well...let's be honest that is just bad ass.)
So there we are....how JT went from little-shit-head-mickeymouseloving-NSYN craptastic-kid to Justin-gold all the time no matter what-Timberlake.
And he did the one other thing that I thought no one would ever do. He brought SEXY BACK, I just don't think we have thanked him enough for that.

All Jacked Up

So I was watching the Oscars last night and that Hugh Jackman is one fine piece of ace. And if this was a better world we would have GOT. IT. ON. by now. I've always had an inkling for this fellow. Nothing is more impressive then a man who can grow a decent set of chops. First and foremost about this amazing, and rare, creature is his washboard abs. Second is his amazing hair. And third. Not that we need one. Is everything else about him.
Hes a man we should all be getting behind. I have decided that I will be offering Hugh Jackman all my support, should he need it. And whatever else he would like me to do. I know in the grand scheme of things my support is little, if not nothing, to him.
I first stood up and noticed Mr. Jackman a few years back when I watched a little video called Somebody Like You. It featured Ashley Judd and Marisa Tomei. And there was this scene where Jackman was eating Chinese food...not sure why it stuck in my head. Oh yeah he had his shirt off.
And then he came along and wowed me with his Wolveyskills when he played Wolverine. I like my men with a little animalistic side. Did I mention that he can act, sing, dance and play the role of a lamp post and still entertain the nation?
Well I should have.

This is the '80's and I'm down with the ladies.

Whatever happened to Tone Loc?

And did anyone notice that basically all of his songs were the same except that the words were changed a little?

Test My Patience

Just like a nasty case of hemroids or the vocal stylings of death metal music, Scarlett Johansson was put here to test my patience.
Why is it that girls and guys alike love her? What is she?
I stand by my statement of, she cannot act. What has she been in that she did a good acting job? Do you know what people respond with?
Lost in Translation and Ghost World.
What?
Those movies were not made good by her. They were made good by Steve Busemi, Bill Murrey and Thora Birtch. Not Mrs. Ryan Reynolds.
She was a flat boring character in both these movies, so what if she looks good in a pair of underwear? She has the emotional range of a wet sock.
She has this stupid, blank look that makes her look like she has some sort of handicap.
And did you notice that once the world realized she had a decent sized rack everyone started fawning. And then the girl-next-door sweetheart couldn't stop showing her breasts off, like in Girl with the Pearl Earring, The other Boylene Sister and The Prestige. So what, you have tits! I don't care.
Hollywood has pumped up this girl so much that people are simply ignoring the fact that she is dumb as a post.
It aggrivates me that other people, people I respect have fallen under her spell. Like Tom Waits. What was he thinking producing and writing some of her album? I mean come on Tom you have dignity, you have respect. Don't stoop.
She doesnt have it going on people...SHE LIKES WOODY ALLEN for crying in the soup. No one likes Woody Allen, people just put up with him.
She looks like a bobble head. And she looks like she is taking a crap in this picture...
Dye your fucking roots you skeevie bitch.

Gimme Gimme more.

I don't know about you, but for me, the happiest day of my life happened in September 2007.
There I was, sitting on my couch, channel surfing.
By some divine twist of fate, I landed on the 2007 MTV VMAs.
I typically don't watch awards shows, as I think they are a stupid waste of time, but for some reason I thought "I think I need to see this."
Then, I hear the three words that will forever change my life.

"It's Britney Bitch"

There she was. All cracked out and in a sequined bikini. Britney Spears. All poised to make her big comeback.
The next three minutes were a blur of stumbles and half-assed dance moves. I sat there, transfixed. I was witnessing the exact moment someone hit rock bottom.

And it was fantastic.

Whenever they panned to the audience, people were either laughing or screwing their faces up in disgust. And when it was over, everyone was thinking the same thing.

What the fuck was that?

I know she's on the straight and narrow now, but sometimes I long for the good old days when Britney Spears was everyone's favourite little train wreck.

Oh Well.
If I want to relive the moment, I'll always have YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukLm8EA9CvM

Friday The 13Th-Scared Shitless

Most people don't know that I'm a horror movie Fanatic. Though I have yet to see a Horror Movie made in the last ten years that has lived up to my fancy.
Welcome to Camp Crystal Lake kiddies, where dreams are filled with screams.

Horror movies were so much better back in the day. I like to depend on the Classics to keep me warm at night. Is it bad that the reason I like horror movies is because I find them funny? No one has a sense of humor like Freddy or Chucky. Those dudes so know how to deliver a punch line.

One of my all time favortites is Halloween. John Carpenter had his shit on lockdown when he made this. For the longest time my ringtone was the music from this movie and every time my phone rang it gave me the willies. Michael Myers is a master of the slow walk. It also has Jamie Lee Curtis and she is indeed the scream queen and this was her debut film. (on a side note she is looking mighty fine these days)

Another movie that sends me in a tizzy is Friday the 13th. Not only because it had Kevin Bacon in it, but because most people dont know that Jason isnt the killer.
He isn't. It was his mom the whole time, and the Chi Chi Chi ha ha ha sound to the score wasnt actually that it was ki ki ki ma ma ma to sound like Kill kill kill ma ma ma, in Jasons moms mind. Trivia is fun isn't it?

The best part of Nightmare on Elm Street is the Freddy's song.
One, two, Freddy's coming for you.
Three, four, better lock your door.
Five, six, grab your crucifix.
Seven, eight, gonna stay up late.
Nine, ten, never sleep again.
It's just a catchy little ditty that I can't get out of your head.

A lot of people don't like horror movies. Including my mother who hated the fact that I watched them all the time. But I love them. As you could see from this amazing blog.

You Can Grease My Lightening

I could like to start off this blog by saying that Scientologist and their loose cannon ways irk me. Ecspecially because this ALien loving team of wackos are snatching up people like Jason Lee and John Travolta. People that I had respect for but now, for some reason, no longer do.

Regardless of that, when I was 3 feet tall (and three feet wide at that), I had beady little eyes and those eyes loved to watch John Travolta. Remember when he was hot?


That was back in his Danny Zucco days. I miss the old John Travolta. The one I wouldnt kick out of bed and the one who made grade A caliber movies such as- Urban Cowboy, Staying Alive, Grease and Get Shorty. Now he is doig garbage like Wild Hogs and Ladder 49. Waste of my time, these movies are.

Not only that but the dude just looks scary now. My thirteen year old self is simply not impressed.


Maybe you need a better compassion, and I like to give the people what they want so....it just gives a whole new meaning to hot and NOT!

"You want me to what!!? In What?!! And then eat it?!!??........ok."

The most impressive thing about Tina : She can watch "2 Girls 1 cup" straight-faced.
It's amazing to watch. She just looks at it, almost bored.
I, on the other hand, couldn't handle more than 5 seconds. I got to the part where the girls started making out, and then slammed my laptop closed. I knew what was coming.
I know, 2 girls 1 cup was sooo 2008. But this morning, I bought these coffee teabag things called "1 cup" (which, by the way, tasted and smelled like cat urine), and I started thinking about that racy little video that took the world by storm last year.

Now, first of all, who does that?
I feel sorry for those girls. They look like they're from Whalley. You have to be pretty hard-up for drug money to do what they did. Now, I'm not going to get into details exactly what happens in the video, I think we all know. If you don't, look it up. Just not at work. Actually, look it up at work. On your boss' computer. But don't say I didn't warn you.

Secondly, who watches it? I'm not talking about the people who watch it purely for shock/curiosity value. You know, the kind of people who create reaction videos and they're pretending the throw up and stuff.
No, I'm talking about the kind of people who enjoy that kind of thing. I wonder if anyone working in my office likes freaky scat videos.

Anyways, I hope those two poop-loving amorous young ladies got paid well for what they were doing.


'Cause that shit is gross.

Flashback!

Tonight I called Christene and two seconds into the phone call she turns away from the phone to yell at her mom "IT'S TINA"
This flashes me back big time and all of a sudden I am thirteen years old sitting in my parents kitchen with the god awful yellow linolium wearing a goofy shirt and red jeans having an awkward conversation while my mother cooks dinner in the background.
While I am participating in this flashback I get to thinking about how the thugged out teenages in my school rolled in 1994. I miss these thugs they were comforting.
They wore disney characters on their shirts which I think had something to do with Coolio's Ghetto Cartoon, which I still get stuck in my head to this day. They had thick gold ropes and colored jeans. They had weird hair and wore bright colors like orange and yellow.
They arent anything like todays thugs that are effing scary.

On a side note, the other day I told Christene that Yosemite Sam was Smoke pit.
And he so was. He had guns and cussed all the time.

So Perez Hilton says you're fat, well, I 'aint down with that.

This morning, I was reading www.perezhilton.com, and came across this article.

http://perezhilton.com/2009-01-29-jonah-hill-does-not-look-good#respond

You know, even though he's gained a couple LBs, I still think Jonah Hill is a stone fox.
Seriously.

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Mr. Hilton.

Oh, Oh, Oh, Its magic, you know.

I have been instructed by Tina not to let this blog go to shit.

And, I will comply with her request.

You know what I really love?

Sabrina the Teenage witch.

That Bitch could do anything. If I had her powers, I'd do awesome things.

I'd go back in time and watch all of the sweet ass Christmas specials from my childhood

Yeah.

Pretty Woman

Today at lunch we were discussing Pretty Woman, and it really isn't a feasible movie. For one I don't know any rich people who fall in love with the hookers they use. Okay fine I don't know any rich people.
My mother hates the movie Pretty Woman because she says it glorifies prostitution.
I like the fact that Vivianne had morals because she didn't kiss on the mouth, but that rule didn't take long to go out the window. She is so quirky and charming that Richard Gere's character can't resist her?
Whatever. I call bullshit.
I hated Kit in the movie. I wanted to rip her head off. She spent their rent money, what a bitch.
Now that i have gotten to thinking about the movie I am on the fence about whether I like it or not. I am leaning towards I hate t because it just seems stupid and I even get annoyed when I think about the scene in the bathroom where she is singing the Prince song.
And the scene that EVERYONE loves where she goes back to the store where they snubbed her and says "Big Mistake...huge" Shut up Pretty Woman, you are wasting your breath, they still don't want your STD riddled body in their clothes.
Oh right she was a safe girl and she kept the jimmys in her boot. Shut up.
Personally I liked your trampy prostie clothes more than I liked the hoitty toitty ones she bought on Rodeo Drive. She just looked stupid in those hates.


On a side note I have never seen American Gigolo...

It was a Teenage Wedding and the Old Folks Wished them well

Alright Christene, first off is My Best Friends Birthday , than Resivoir Dogs, True Romance, Pulp Fiction, Natural born Killers....
we gots some gold to watch.

This is my gripe.
Why do people insist that Pulp Fiction is Tarantino's best flick? Because it's not. Almost all of them are better. Everyone loves the scene where John Travolta and Uma Thurman dance to Chuck Berry's Teenage Wedding. This is all they talk about. They never want to give it up. Come to terms with it people it's not his best movie.

My personal favorites are Jackie Brown, because it had Pam Grier in it and Coffey truly is the color of her skin and Resivoir Dogs because it had Harvey Keitel (need I say more. I think not).
Though I also feel that True Romance is under rated (Come on people it has Christian Slater how can you go wrong) and Natural Born Killers is comedy gold.
I am a huge fan of Woody Harrelson. He was one of the only reasons I watched Cheers.

Another gripe I have is when Grindhouse came out everyone was talking about Death Proof and how Quentin Tarantino is a god well to be honest Planet Terror was better and Robert Rodreguez deserves props for this it.

Whatever. I'm in.

"Looking for some Happiness but there is only loneliness to fiiiiiiinnnnddd."

This morning, I watched Death Proof with Kristyl, and came to a conclusion.

I fucking love Quentin Tarantino.

He could film himself crapping on a plate, add some '70's graphics and close ups of feet and I'd still love it.

It took me a long time to come to this. Up until today, I never really went out of my way to actually watch his movies (except for that brief stint in grade 11 when I had this huge crush on this kid who was obsessed with Quentin Tarantino).

My Resolution for 2009 is to watch every movie that Quentin Tarantino has ever made, (directed, written or both) in the order that they were made.

Tina, are you with me?

Oh Look! My pee is blue!

The other day I got to thinking about Screaming Saucers....

When I was a kid, I refused to try them just because A) they were popular and B) they looked as if they had an artificial berry flavour of some sort. (And if you know me, you know of my extreme hatred for any artificial berry flavors.)
Also, they scared the shit out of me.
Any candy that will turn your insides blue can not be a good idea. I remember kids on the playground eating them then sticking their tongues out, because these evil candies of death turned them blue. I've got another way to turn your tongue blue, kids. It's called hypothermia.
I remember this one kid used to brag on the playground about how screaming saucers turned his pee blue.
Wow. What an accomplishment. Someone get this kid a sash. Maybe a Nobel prize of some sort.
Urine is supposed to be yellow. If you pee any other color but yellow, it means you have some sort of medical condition, and should probably go to the hospital.
Then one day, it was all over for screaming saucers. My school had banned them and all of the unfit parents who used to let their kids eat them non-stop were reprimanded.
I think I was the only kid in my entire school who remained un-affected by this ban. There were kids on the playground kicking stuff, crying, yelling, picketing, etc.
I hadn't seen such an uprising since the great snap-bracelet ban of 1992.
I just sat there and watched.

Dumb kids.

Is there a soldier in here?

Frequently on our rides to work Christene and I talk about men of the afro american persuasion. The other day Christene informed me that if she could have any black guy she would have Kenan Thompson from Saturday Night Live, because he is comforting. To which I responded I would take Ludacris.
Often we bust out the song Soldier by Destiny's Child and live life large.
Anyways what I am trying to say is that I feel Will Smith's best days were when he was the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
Everyone is all talking about Will like he is new or something or they are all like "Man he was so good in THe Pursuit of happyness' but seriously he was so good when he was telling me that there was a nightmare on his street.
(Side note that song actually scared me when I was a little piglet.)
Personally I thought the guy hit the peek of his career back in 94...If I find Fresh Prince while perusing the channels I have to stop and watch it, it's like it is ingrained in me.
Do you think Will still hangs out with Jazzy Jeff?

Willow's Wife?

When I worked at Wendy's, there was this guy there who once told me I looked like Willow's wife. Now, you've all seen the movie Willow, right?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096446/
At first, I thought he was joking, and I laughed it off. Then I started thinking and over analyzing, like I usually do.
Seriously, what a thing to tell someone. Out of nowhere. Why would he tell me that? And how random is that? Willow's Wife? Really???? And its not like I lived in a little mud hut village.
I know I'm short, but certainly not within the requirements to be considered a dwarf.
How the fuck did he come to this conclusion?? He didn't even give me an explaination!!!!!!!
Maybe I do look like Willow's Wife.

Maybe we have the same eyes? No, mine are green, and hers look brown.

Now, it looks like she has no eyebrows, and I have eyebrows, so it can't be that. Maybe we smile the same?

To this day, every so often I take a few minutes to look in the mirror, looking for resemblances. Thanks for the complex, douchebag.

Something I Can Get Behind

On this planet called earth there are very few things I can get behind and never have fail me. Here they are:
1. Red Vines-best candy known to man
2. Sean Connery-doing impressions of him or just looking at him
3. Trashy magazines-they taught me so many things
4. Gum balls-I escpecially like the yellow ones
5. The Brat Pack Movies-if you say you dont like Pretty in pink you are lying. And yes I wanted Andy to get with Ducky.
6. The Cops theme song-whattcha gonna do when they come for you?
7. Saying things like "Oh that's so funny I forgot to laugh" and "Dirtbag" Or "Dipshit"
8. T-shirts with animals on them, man I miss my white kitty t-shirt.
9. Spandex, I wish life was this easy still
10. Sugar Crisp. Cause I cant get enough of it.