And Now An Excerpt From In Touch Magazine

Everything is cooler when Sean Connery says it.
It's the accent. It's the fact that he is so suave and debonair. It's cause he was bond.
Regardless he could make reading about the Octo-Mom sound interesting, or reading about the normal things celebrities do.
"Oh look it's Jude Law, taking his children out for ice cream. And here is Zac Efron looking smashing in just a white t-shirt and jeans."
If I could be as cool as Sean Connery my life would be ten times better. I would be knee deep in pussy and people would pay me to talk to them.
I don't have a cool accent. I have a Canadian accent. I talk funny.
What is with In Touch magazine anyways?
What is the appeal? No really I want to know.
The thing is that I read them all the time and I still don't know why I do it. I don't give a fuck of Brad and Angelina are having marital issues, or how Megan Fox is a skinny little twat. (By the way Transformers fucking sucked). So why do people buy them?
I propose a ban on tabloid magazines. Who is with me?
No one.
Figures.
Sean Connery would be with me. And look he is still cool when he was in Zardoz!

Something I Can Get Behind

On this planet called earth there are very few things I can get behind and never have fail me. Here they are:
1. Red Vines-best candy known to man
2. Sean Connery-doing impressions of him or just looking at him
3. Trashy magazines-they taught me so many things
4. Gum balls-I escpecially like the yellow ones
5. The Brat Pack Movies-if you say you dont like Pretty in pink you are lying. And yes I wanted Andy to get with Ducky.
6. The Cops theme song-whattcha gonna do when they come for you?
7. Saying things like "Oh that's so funny I forgot to laugh" and "Dirtbag" Or "Dipshit"
8. T-shirts with animals on them, man I miss my white kitty t-shirt.
9. Spandex, I wish life was this easy still
10. Sugar Crisp. Cause I cant get enough of it.