Nothing Like A Man In A Loin Cloth

(An excerpt from the slightly wrecked mind of a once greasy rat nest-hair girl from the flat lands of Surrey - Whalley to be exact)

Dear Brendan Fraser:

I've noticed you. I would like to let you know that when you wear a loin cloth it makes me need a cloth for my loin ( How inappropriate). Isn't it amazing t they gave you a couple of movies where you had to wear a little piece of cloth over your private parts, the cinema block buster Encino Man being my favorite all time. Whenever someone grunts near me and paints weird stick figures on walls with mud, I get a little overexcited. And then George of the Jungle. Though you were mind numbingly stupid in it you were still very pretty to look at.

Once upon a time, you were young and  soothed my most anxious nights. In your older age, I see you less, but I still revisit the days of yester-year which are chronologically categorized on my shelves - VHS to be exact - and watch what you were to me. A baby-faced boy, dancing across the days of my life. Poetic.

Mrs. Winterborn, Son In Law, Airheads, and another of my personal favorites School Ties, only allowed my bond to grow stronger. Here I sit, thinking about your career and wondering what happened. What went wrong?

Why is it you haven't done a good movie in forever? Is it because you started to go bald and you had to get hair plugs? I don't know. This is simply speculation.

I can only hope one day (soon?) you will tap into your money and get some plastic surgery and come back as the man I once knew - young, fresh and hip.

Until then I have my trusty vids to keep me warm.

Sincerely,
Tyson

 

SHUUUUUUUUUUUUSH.

Michael DeLuise is an amazing specimen of a man.

Well, back in 1993 he was.

SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH!!

On a side note, Brendan Fraser is still hot, even though he's balding.

Gonzagas.

Its Wahlberg-Mania

I see where your coming from, there is nothing more un-nerving then a man showing you the helicopter while he is sweating up a storm, wearing nothing but a bow-tie and saying things like "This is a treat just for you special lady"...I have only once seen a male stripper and though some women flock to see the sausage unwrapped I like to see penis' exactly where they should be under Cotton, then under jeans, securely wrapped snug and safe away from my delicate eyes....its doesn't seem to matter how old (or wiser) I get I still have a fear of getting my eye poked out by some guy named Hot Rod's dink.

And what is with the ladies? All sense of rational thinking gets tossed willy-nilly out the window, and all of a sudden Maggie, mother of two married for ten years and kindergarten teacher, is putting fives down her shirt trying to get the greasy haired spanish dish Marco "The Taco Pleaser" Lopez to pull them out with his teeth, while she screams "Give me the burrito you spicy thaaaaaaaaaaannng". But I digress, what I really wanted to make a note about was Christene's mention of lusting after the illustrious Donnie Wahlberg.

I never wasted my time liking anyone else, I was hip to the bad boy long before any fat ratty haired 7 year old around...it was as though I had a bad boy-dar....maybe it was when Donnie would curse during interviews and they would have to beep it out that first opened my eyes, but I was hooked...but then something better came along, it was 1991 one and a chubby-cheeked girl in spandex pants and her mothers Yosemite Sam t-shirt (me) caught a glimpse at something better....

Marky Mark and the funky bunch....you can have the funky bunch, give me the Marky Mark!

If Donnie was the "bad-boy" then Marky Mark taught him everything he new and saved the majority for himself....he was bad to the mother f-ing bone..and he had that great Boston accent we all know and love but most likely it was because he always had his shirt off, which to this day still sends me in a dizzy. Thank you Calvin Klein you made my youth much much easier

I remember taping video of Mark doing push-ups on a chair and rewinding it and watching it 8 billion times....lets all say it together before I go "Mark Wahlberg was, is and always will be a God"......

I've got some good vibrations for you Mark!

N.K.O.T-Weeeeeee!!

Now, this has been quite the year for the comebacks.
I, for one, could not be happier.
It seems as if they're bringing back everything I remember from my childhood, which, sadly, makes me feel old and kind of pathetic.
I'm kind of like the scuzzy middle aged lady who frequents Chicago Tonight only for their "Ladies Night" thinking she has a chance with 'Stallion', the stripper who dresses up like a cowboy.
You know, night clubs never have those ladies nights with the male strippers any more. What happened? My friend Kristyl and I once went to the Mirage too early on a Friday night (for those not in the know, the Mirage held their "ladies night" every friday) back when we were 19 and were treated to quite the sausage show. We never made that mistake again. No wonder I waited so long to lose my virginity (I also had no real offers, but that's beside the point). These grown men, pranced around while droves of sex-deprived middle-aged women screamed things like "Shake it for Momma!"

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, comebacks.

I, for one, am most happy to see the New Kids back in action.
I loved those crazy little bastards.
I wanted to marry Joe McIntyre. Maybe it was the hat he used to wear with the cut-out on the top so his curls could spill out.
Perhaps that is the root of my fascination of curly haired men....Damn you, Joe McIntyre!
At one point, I was so obsessed with New Kids, I used to fantasize about joining the band.
What purpose would I serve in the band? I'd be this awkward, chubby 8 year old girl just standing there. I would be just like Atlas from Catwalk. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catwalk_(TV_series)
(Ahhhh Catwalk...There's a show they should re-make.

What was I thinking?

All the time I was all about the Joe, I could have been lusting after Donnie. Now, there's a man you can sink your teeth into. He was all motorcycles and mullets.

Badass. If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Stop Right Now, Before We Go Any Further

With such hits as Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad, I'd Do Anything For Love But I Wont Do That and Paradise By The Dashboard Lights, you have to assume that everyone on the planet has the same appreciation for Meatloaf as I do. Not only are his songs chalked full of amazing lyrics, melodic vocals and soothing rhythms, but look at his HAIR! And he always wears a dress shirt with the buttons undone....that sweaty beast, he is mind blowing. I always stare in awe when a man with that sort of girth hauls ass around a stage....

This man delivers in everything he has his hand in....watching one of his music videos is an assault for all your senses. Especially I'd Do Anything For Love, its all towers and motorcycle and white linen....everything that makes a truly good video.

And hes an actor....Eddie in Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Tiny in Wayne's World....and lets not forget the Robert Paulson in Fight Club....

Dude takes the words right out of my mouth......

On the other hand Meatloaf as a food is comforting and why is it that all the comforting foods are considered a poor peoples food....like Chili, macaroni and cheese, and baked beans and hot dogs?

Better Dressed, And Here To Impress

Though its true I like my men like a fine wine, (and Christene I know you too can appreciate a fine wine), I also found the appeal of AC Slater....oh Mario Lopez how happy I am you found work after Save By the Bell....and Christene you ask who dresses sharper then AC well I would like to cast my vote for best dressed too Joey Jeramiah...no one has ever made denim vests and fedoras more attractive then Joey...be still my beating heart.... And when did tying bandannas around your upper arm or leg go out of style? A quarter past NEVER.

A close runner up behind Joey (and this is all in my humblest opinion) is Uncle Jesse...you know him, and you love him.

How heart breaking was it when he actually settle down with that bitch Rebecca?

My eleven year old heart was never the same after the baby back ribs baby carrot episode....

But Uncle Jessie had style...its true tight black jeans still give me hot flashes....and then I find myself thinking back to Jesse and the Rippers crooning 'Forever' to me whilst I lay on my bed in my over sized goofy t-shirt and spandex pants, eats my mothers baking chocolate...YIKES.

Did anyone ever notice how Jesse Katsopolis hair could rival Heather Lockliers circa 1979?

AC Slater and Christian Slater, Separated at Birth?

I like Christian Slater, and I agree, Tina, no one deserves a comeback more than him.
However, don't get me wrong, but Christian Slater kind of comes off as a greasy old man to me. Even when he was in his 20's he still seemed old. Perhaps that's his appeal. I don't know.
As a young child, I questioned his appeal, as a 27 year old woman, I find his old-greasiness somewhat intriguing, kind of like a plate of devilled eggs left out for like 6 hours at a party. You're not sure if you should eat them and they could make you sick, but they just look so interesting, you just can't resist.
However, i'm not sure if I'm the best person to judge anyone's attractiveness, considering that I have the sex appeal of a Middle Aged, frequent Bingo playing, chain smoking, Surrey Mother who screams at her children to "Shut the Hell up! I'm watching My Stories!" I know you're all thinking it, I'm just keepin' it real. Beeotches. (I'm so street.)
While Tina liked her men a little on the pension-y side, I prefered mine innocent looking. The type of man you could take home to Moms and Pops, the kind of guy who'd never forget to say please and thank you. (It's funny, 'cause the man I married uses the F-word as a noun, go figure.)
And before I forget to touch down on the subject, I think the fact that AC Slater and Christian Slater have the same last name is a coincience. Or they could be related.





AC slater had the best wardrobe. Cut off mesh shirts, acid wash jeans, wrestling uniforms. Whenever he wanted to get a little fancy, he rocked a silk, teal shirt. I don't know anyone else in the entire world who dressed as sharp as AC.

Lift that stool, flex those muscles.