And Now An Excerpt From In Touch Magazine

Everything is cooler when Sean Connery says it.
It's the accent. It's the fact that he is so suave and debonair. It's cause he was bond.
Regardless he could make reading about the Octo-Mom sound interesting, or reading about the normal things celebrities do.
"Oh look it's Jude Law, taking his children out for ice cream. And here is Zac Efron looking smashing in just a white t-shirt and jeans."
If I could be as cool as Sean Connery my life would be ten times better. I would be knee deep in pussy and people would pay me to talk to them.
I don't have a cool accent. I have a Canadian accent. I talk funny.
What is with In Touch magazine anyways?
What is the appeal? No really I want to know.
The thing is that I read them all the time and I still don't know why I do it. I don't give a fuck of Brad and Angelina are having marital issues, or how Megan Fox is a skinny little twat. (By the way Transformers fucking sucked). So why do people buy them?
I propose a ban on tabloid magazines. Who is with me?
No one.
Figures.
Sean Connery would be with me. And look he is still cool when he was in Zardoz!

Mo Po Fo Sho!

Remember the Mike Tyson's punch out post where I promised a 3 post a week guarantee?
Well, like most of my promises, that was empty.

Anyway....

I have excellent news. Tomorrow, in my little dungeon in the depths of my parent's basement, I get cable.
And we all know what that means.......I get to watch MAURY POVICH when I get ready in the mornings now!!!! What a Time to be alive!!!
If you know me, you know I loves me some MoPo.
Wild Teens, paternity tests, obese babies, Geek to chic. I love it all. Well, with the exception of the Jack Hanna episodes.
Those always make me angry.
If I had a dollar for every time I flip through the channels and get all excited to see Maury - only to be disappointed because some asshole is showing off his baby kangaroo, I'd be Bill effin' Gates. You know, if I wanted to see baby monkeys, I'd go to the zoo. Maury is for the exploitation of people's unfortunate situations. Not education.

The only thing I want to learn from Maury is to double bag it.

EMO!

This morning Christene says to me, "Calm down emo!"
Now I can't stop thinking about emo things.
And the most emo song?
Bif Naked's Daddy's Getting Married.
While looking out my window at work I got to thinking, why the fuck is a thirty year old woman singing about her father getting married?
Maybe she is trying to reach out to all those kids whose parents have split up. Isn't that the norm anyways? Isn't that what parents are supposed to do?
Mine are still together, barely. But my mom was married before and my dad married twice, so I don't know.
Not only that but why is a grown woman calling her father Daddy?
This song makes me want to slit my wrists just to get away from it.
Let me break it down for you:

don't ask me how i am today (why would I ask I don't want to know)
don't wanna talk about it (well it's a good thing I didn't ask)
don't ask what the matter is (something is always the matter with you anyways)
today's the big day (why are you finally going to smile or wear something other than black?)
daddy's getting married (Oh...well good for him, I hope he is happy)
mama wipe yer tears away (Your mother is a grown woman she will be fine)
my daddy's getting married (You already said this)
i don't know what to say (Maybe tell him congratulations you spoiled fucking brat)
my daddy's getting married (whine whine bitch moan)
today's the big day (Do you have a nice black dress and a fucking parasol?)
my daddy's getting married (You repeat yourself alot)
mama wipe yer tears away (Maybe you should focus on wiping your own tears away you emo bitch).

End Emo Rant Now.


I don't care what anyone says, she looks like a man to me.

A Mullet Named Dog

I was just watching TV and a commercial came on that stated that Dog the Bounty Hunter would be back for another season. My question is this...
REALLY? No Really?
I mean come on. What is wrong with the general mass public? This isn't a television program, this isn't entertainment...this is just sad. This is a Mullet named Dog who has a trashy wife, scratch that, a trashy family and a vigilante mindset. What's that about? Does everyone forget the fact that Dog actually went to jail.
Not only that but look at his hair...
And this is season number SEVEN. No shit.
I hang my head and give a soft little prayer for the dignity of human kind that just fluttered out the window...
Bounty Hunter....screw that shit...more like Godawful Hairdo Hunter.
FECK!
Oh look at this is a charming wedding photo:


How fucking big is that chicks boooooooooobs?

Tina got low.

Lately, it seems as if all Tina talks about these days is "FloRida"


She enjoys him.

Wrong Said Fred

It's not that I disagreed C-Bizz it's that I merely stated that Right Said Fred were the first douche-bags.
Case and point, the picture depicted below. Granted these douche-muffins don't have frosted tips they do have the other traits that are key give-aways when trying to spot a douche-bag. The godawful tattoos, the presence of a cross (when clearly religion doesn't play a role in their lives) the sleeveless shirts, the camo pants, the intense 'you messin' with me' look in their eyes.
We were discussing who the FIRST douche-bag was and thought Nick Lachey is indeed the douchiest of the douchey he was not the FIRST douche bag.

Beefy Biceps.

Tina begs to differ, but I feel as if Nick Lachey is the world's first super douche-bag.

Look at him - Beefy Biceps. Beefy Bicep tattoo. Frosted tips. Reality TV show. Boy Band. Confident swagger.
I could keep going, but I'd be here all day. (That's what she said.)
He's the male equivalent to a turbo slut.