On Dasher, On Dancer, Eff NO On Prancer!

The year before Home Alone came out I went to go see another Christmas movie. It was just after my birthday and I was seven years old. I remember that I had stolen my sisters copy of the Interview With A Vampire, which I am pretty sure my mom wouldnt be too impressed if she knew I was reading it.

And I brought the book to the theatre with us. It was at Guildford, do you remember the old cinemas there? When you went in through the back?
Anyways My dad took me to see Prancer for my birthday.


Do you remember this movie? I think I wanted to see something else too but my dad wanted to see this....
and halfway through the movie I got a super bad stomache ache so I went to the bathroom (with the book) and emptied the tank (so to speak) I returned to watch the heart warming movie about Prancer the reindeer and the family who takes him in when he is injured.
I left the book in the bathroom stall at the theatre and never told my sister about it.


And I have never watched the movie Prancer since.
Things I have learned from this experiance.
1. Don't bring a book to the theatre you wont need it
2. Try not to eat too much food when you go to see a movie, shit cramps suck.
3. Don't steal books from your sister just in case you leave them in a bathroom stall
4. Try your best to watch your children they shouldnt be reading Interview with a Vampire when they are 7, I think this why I am warped.
5. nothing says Merry Christmas like a blog that shares personal embarassing moments.
xo

Fuller, Go easy on the Pepsi

Home Alone is my all time favourite Christmas movie.

I love it almost as much as I love Donairs. Could there be a more perfect food? Sometimes, I'll have a really good Donair and I can't stop thinking about it. Like this morning, for example. I woke up this morning thinking about the last donair I had. It was from "Best Donair" in Surrey. It was amazing. I even brought home a menu and spent days just looking at it, reading all of my Donair options. Sometimes I feel the need for a cigarette after a good Donair, and I don't even smoke.

What was I talking about?
Oh yeah. Home alone.
I remember actually seeing it in theatres when I was 9. At the time, I didn't realize just how much gold was in that movie.
Kevin's brother was the epitome of jerky older brothers. Everyone had one, perhaps not as extremely douchey as Buzz, but most older siblings possess at least one or two of his charming attributes.
Every time I see a cheese pizza, I picture Buzz stuffing the entire thing in his mouth.
Every time I see an unflattering picture of myself (or anyone else for that matter) I think "Buzz, your girlfriend, WOOF!"
Every time someone wants to share a room with me I always think "I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass."

It never ends.
If I try hard enough, I think I could make a reference from "Home Alone" to suit every situation.

Good.

This Dates Me

It's the eve of christmas eve and all through the house not a creature was stirring except my cat who is trying to chew the bows off the presents. While I sit on the couch while my....boyfriend...for lack of a better word yells at the TV because the hockey game isn't going the way he wanted.
This brings me back to something I wanted to talk to you about...don't get me wrong it has nothing to do with hockey and everything to do with the terms "far out" "bogus" and "righteous".
I know a certain girl who likes to bring the bogus out from time to time, but using these terms/phrases severely dates you. For example I was on the skytrain and these funky hair colored, tight jean, dark eye make up girls are staring at me. The keep smiling at me and I am pretty sure they wanted to make me their new den mother. It was as if they were looking at me and thinking 'Hey You can be an old bitch AND still have a piercing and a cool bag" They wanted to show me to their mothers and be like 'See mom just because we're weird doesnt mean we cant function in the world" anyways I began thinking about how if I used the term Righteous on them they would most likely look at me like I was an alien.
I am starting to feel old...like when people say they were born in the nineties. WAIT hold up...back this archaic bus up and put it in park, you were born in the nineties.
The nineties arent something you are suppose to be born in, the nineties are somehting you flourish in, or survived through.
And while I think these thoughts on transportation I realize these little ratty haired brats probably dont know what Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is, or who Christopher Lloyd is, or madonna use to wear a cone bra, or that Degrassi isn't from the olden days.
Think about this....I most likely have more in common with these thirteen year olds mothers than I do with them. SCARY.

I'm the Baby, gotta love me.

Maybe it's the 2 glasses of wine talking, but I have an extremely irrational hatred for that stupid "Dinosaurs" show they ran on ABC back in the '90's.

Does anyone else remember this show?

Typically, my memories of ABC's TGIF line-up are fond.

I loved friday night TV. I'd park my ass on the couch and prepare myself for the greatest 2 hours of programming the week had to offer me.

Then one year, they introduced a show about a family of Dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs.

Really?

When was this ever a good idea??

And don't even get me started on that one little pink asshole who'd hit his Dad over the head with a frying pan...

If that was real life, I'm sure the Dad would be dead.

And then they made a music video of that little jerk.

"I'm the Baby, Gotta love me."

Shut up.

Welcome Back

I had a dream of.....
A threesome with Matt Dillon and Luke Perry.
But not them now. Them then.
You know what I am talking about.
Now that I have your attention I am going to breach a very serious question and I really want you to answer truthfully.
Is it just me or Welcome Back Kotter the best TV show ever made.
You had everything you needed.
The hot dumb guy, the soldier, the oddly attractive puerto rico jew(who was always my personal fav), the nerdy small kid and the funny teacher....
What more would you possibly want.
My Ex was telling me awhile ago that he watched it and it wasnt as funny as he remembered it to be from when he was a kid. So I got it for my birthday and you know what? It was better than I remembered. With quips like "Up Your nose with a rubber hose" and "Mr.Kot-tier" you can't go wrong. Not to mention Juan's notes from his mother. This show just doesnt get old...and it was on for four years so clearly the people liked it.
Remember the episode where Juan likes a girl and he writes a note (from his mother) to the girls mother and it says:
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
let your daughter go out
with a Puerto Rican Jew"
No? Well go effing watch it and stop gawking at this blog.

If That's What Skinny Is About, Count Me Out!

Ever since I was a child I was horrified by Richard Simmons. He would always appear on David Letterman and Letterman always made him cry. That was gold.
What wasn't gold was his high energy that makes me, still to this day, want to slit my wrists. I could never watch one of his exercise video's because it would make me want to upchuck my fatabulous lunch that I scarfed down.
Maybe it's because he is a red head and I find red heads abnormal at the best of times. But I think it's mostly his ugly mug. So what you were obese in high school Rich and now your goal is to make everyone happy about themselves, good for you. But I ain't picking up what your throwing out there.
I would rather be fat than listen to your mumble jumble, and one and two and one and two and SHUT THE HELL UP YOU FREAK!
I'm just saying there is something wrong with the guy.

Age Gracefully, you fools!

My hair is thinning a little.

I'm thinking about picking up one of those Hair in a can sprays.

You all know I'm kidding when I say this, as I am a wacky jokester, but some people aren't. Some people actually think that it's a good idea to spray paint their bald spots.

Really, I'm serious.

One day, Ron Popeil (yes, we have someone to blame for all this) decided that bald men no longer have to live with the shame of hair loss. He would create a product that would empower balding men with the abiltity to cover up their shame, but it would also come in a can too.

It's a stupid stupid idea and if you use it, people know you're insecure and probably single.

And what's with the name? GLH formula 9. It sounds like motor oil. It's quite possibly the worst product name ever.

Damn you, Ronco. Damn you to hell.

Tis The Season

For tramps in santa outfits, but that's not the point. What is the point is that I wanted to share with you why I enjoy the christmas season. Because you get to see your favorite TV shows Christmas special. Pure gold!
They have always been the best part of the holiday season. Like the Saved By the Bell where Zack dresses up like santa or for that matter when Roseanne does!
This is a short blog because I have to go back to finding the christmas episodes of Gilmore girls. Seriously!
P.S. If I could live in any TV land place it would be Stars Hollow!

I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden

I'm glad you like my Dimples, Tina.
I like your evil stare.

Anyway, I'm watching Kitchen Nightmares right now.
I think it's time for me to confess to the world, I am rather smitten with Chef Gordan Ramsay.
I love everything about the man.
I think we have alot in common.
First off, he likes to cook. I like to eat.
Secondly, every second word that comes out of his mouth has to be censored. I too, speak like a man of the seas.
He's rich and famous and I'm fully prepared to mooch off of that. I don't think he'd mind, really. Although I think it may be difficult to convince him that I'd make a good trophy wife. I don't think I have any trophy wife qualities.
I like it how he calls every lady "Darling." He also holds open doors for them. There's just something about it. He's a gentleman. Any dude take note. No matter how much a girl will be like "I'm not really into guys who do that." They're lying. We all like it. So start holding doors for ladies, assholes.
Whatever happened to gentlemen, anyway?
Long gone are the days where dudes would hold open doors, pick up the cheque and let you hold the remote control. And what ever happened to buying flowers?
Where the fuck are my flowers?!!!!???!!!???!!???
Us Ladies have to cook for you, pick up your dirty socks off the floor, pop that zit on the middle of your back and pick you up while you are drunk and the most romantic thing you guys can say to us is "Wanna do it?" No, Asswipe. We don't wanna "Do it". We're too busy writing angry blog entries about the lack of romance in the world right now.

Well, I'm sure Gordan Ramsay buys his wife flowers. He would if he knew what was good for him.

Party Of One

I am watching Party Of Five.
Because I am a fat thirteen year old at heart. And it's thursday night at 8:10pm and channel 35 just so happens to be where my stubby little digits stopped. And all I am wondering, and perhaps you can tell me the answer. What the hell happened to Scott Wolf? Man that guy has dimples. Just what I love.
Secretly I have a crush on everyone who has dimples. (that means you Leps.)
Anyways back on subject...Scott Wolf. This show sucks. But I loved watching it and I can see why....Bailey was hot. I also liked the other hot guy too, Matthew Fox, but I was all about the Scott Wolf.
Now that Lacey Chabert is a little slut, you know I am right...maybe its because she was a little tramp in Mean Girls and I am holding it against her.
Jennifer love Hewitt has that Ghost Whisperer show, and my mom likes it. And Neve Campbell did those scream movies. That's a career right?
Whatever this show sucks!
I cant look away.

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatchu gonna do?

If you're from Surrey, chances are, you know someone who's been on "To Serve and Protect". I am lucky enough to not only know people who have been on it, but to be related to people who have been on the show.
I miss that show. It was amazing. It gave people from Surrey the chance to say "Hey! I know that guy!!" or "Hey! That's my house!" while watching a TV show.
I especially liked it when they were busting drunks. They'd be all like "Sir, do you have any ID?"
And the drunk would be like "jkbscj asjf bajks fkwjbsvm SEF KSDBFS AJHVC HA".
Or when they had to go into a trailer park to break up some sort of disturbance, the trailer would have pizza boxes lying around and lamps without lampshades. (Kind of what my house looks like right now.)
Bless those boys in blue who would not only keep our streets safe, but entertain the residents of Surrey on Sunday nights.

On The Inside Of The Outside

I'm hip. I get it. And I love it.
When I was growing up I longed to be able to go back in time, I was positive that I should have been born in 1943 so that I could have experianced the 50's and 60's for myself. My dad use to take me to Jukebox Junction and I would get to buy 45's with my monies, and this was my life. I listened to oldies watched grease and Rebel without a Cause every singe day. But there was one thing, ONE THING that I was IN LOVE WITH.
The Outsiders.

I read the book a thousand times.
And when I saw the movie, it blew my mind.
To this day I wish I could have lived in that house with those boys.
That was one hot cock fest. Not only do you have a young Tom Cruise, Emilio Estevez and Patrick Swayze. And you have the Karate Kid. And the icing on the cake? Your eyes also get treated to ROB LOWE and MATT DILLION. (Side note what the hell ever happened to Matt Dillion?)
Who organized this cast? They deserve an award, a huge fucking cookie.
Never has there been a movie to rival this beauty.
Sure Dallas was an asshole, and Two-bit Matthews always wore the same mickey mouse shirt, and maybe Darry had a bad temper, but you can look past all of that because they are pretty.
And finally....Sodapop Curtis....Will you marry me?

Who doesn't love a sheen?

That was a dirty song, dirtiest song ever though? Well that goes to Akinyele song "Put it in my mouth" I say that all the time but I am refering to sweets and treats. And if there is one thing a cock isn't its a sweet treat. Enough about that.
Christene your mom wouldnt let you watch dirty dancing!
YOWZA.
That's okay my mom wouldn't let me watch Pretty Woman because she thought it glorified prostiution. And what was with that whole "No kissing on the mouth rule" does that mean she had morals of some sort? Or that she had dignity?
I hated the other whore in that movie, what was her name? Kit?


Everyone thought Richard Gere was so dreamy, not me....when I was a chub-tastic 13 year old the only man that got me going was Emilio Estevez, i watched Outsides a thousand times!
Here he is as Two Bit Matthews...now tell me that doesnt get you going?

But who doesn't love a Sheen?
That's a trick question, because the answer is no one. EVERYONE LOVES A SHEEN!
They are just a little more dirty....

Let me go, Let me shoop, to the next man in a 3 piece suit.

Tina, you were super bad-ass.

I was a pretty tame 12 year old, so I can't really top that.

However, I used to listen to Saly N' Pepa's "Very Necessary" on repeat.

I used to gyrate my 12 year old hips to "Shoop" on a daily basis. Of course, I had NO idea what they were talking about (and still really have no clue), so it was ok.

Come to think about it, It WAS a pretty dirty song. What was my mom thinking letting me listen to it? I wasn't allowed to watch "Dirty Dancing", but I could listen to this:

Hey, yeah - I wanna shoop, baby[Oooo, how you doin', baby?No, not youYou, the bow-legged one, (ha-ha) yeahWhat's your name?Damn, that sounds sexy]Here I go, here I go, here I go again (again?)Girls, what's my weakness? (Men!)Ok then, chillin', chillin', mindin' my business (word)Yo, Salt, I looked around, and I couldn't believe thisI swear, I stared, my niece my witnessThe brother had it goin' on with somethin' kinda...uhWicked, wicked (oooo) - had to kick itI'm not shy so I asked for the digitsA ho? No, that don't make meSee what I want slip slide to it swiftyFelt it in my hips so I dipped back to my bag of tricksThen I flipped for a tip, make me wanna do tricks for himLick him like a lollipop should be lickedCame to my senses and I chilled for a bitDon't know how you do the voodoo that you doSo well it's a spell, hell, makes me wanna shoop shoop shoopShoop shoop ba-doopShoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doopShoop ba-doopShoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doopUmmm, you're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the backBrother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that (thanks, Mom)Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie?If looks could kill you would be an uziYou're a shotgun - bang! What's up with that thang?I wanna know how does it hang?Straight up, wait up, hold up, Mr. LoverLike Prince said you're a sexy mutha-Well-a, I like 'em real wild, b-boy style by the mileSmooth black skin with a smileBright as the sun, I wanna have some funCome (come) and (hmmm) give me some of that yum-yumChocolate chip, honey dip, can I get a scoop? (please)Baby, take a ride in my coupe, you make me wanna...Shoop shoop ba-doop (Baby, hey)Shoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doopShoop shoop ba-doop (Don't you know I wanna shoop, baby)Shoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doopWell let me bring you back to the subject, Pep's on the setMake you get hot, make you work up a sweatWhen you skip-to-my-lou, my darlingNot falling in love but I'm falling for your [super sperm]When I get ya betcha bottom dollar you were best under pressure[Yo, Sandy, I wanna like, taste you]Getcha getcha lips wet cuz it's time to have PepOn your mark, get set, go, let me go, let me shoopTo the next man in the three-piece suitI spend all my dough, ray me, cutieShoop shoop a-doobie like Scoobie Doobie DooI love you in your big jeans, you give me nice dreamsYou make me wanna scream, "Oooo, oooo, oooo!"I like what ya do when you do what ya doYou make me wanna shoopShoop shoop ba-doopShoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doopShoop shoop ba-doopShoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doop[Oh, my goodness, girl, look at himHe's the cutest brother in hereAnd he's comin' this way! Oooo!]S and the P wanna kick with me, cool (uh-huh)But I'm wicked, G, (yeah) hit skins but never quickly (that's right)I hit the skins for the hell of it, just for the yell I getMmm mmm mmm, for the smell of it (smell it)They want my bod, here's the hot rod (hot rod)Twelve inches to a yard (damn) and have ya soundin' like a retard (yeah)Big 'Twan Love-Her, six-two, wanna hit youSo what you wanna do?What you wanna do?Mmmm, I wanna shoopShoop shoop ba-doopShoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doopShoop shoop ba-doopShoop ba-doopShoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doopOh, you make me wanna shoopHey yeah, I wanna shoop, baby

What is a Shoop, anyway? Can someone tell me?

On another note, Salt N' Pepa had big earrings.

Indeed.

12 Year Old Gold

Not only did I watch scrambled up porn on channel 88 I also did other things that made me bad ass, and not everyone can be badass at 12 years of age. Here is some more 12 year old gold:
~ Snoop Doggy Dogg's Doggystyle album was all I listened to in grade seven, me and this guy use to rap Lodi Dodi inbehind our portable. BEAT THAT
~ Every day at lunch I use to tip this kids desk over and all his papers would be spread all over the floor, I did it for a month straight, and all because he called me Tiny and I didnt like it.
~I got lice from my brother and my dad cut my hair off with a knife cause he couldn't find scissors. seriously. My hair was slanted on an angle forever because I refused to let anyone fix it.
~I had a hat that said "Bad Boys" on it and it was a metal plate and I would go to Stardust and guys liked it. I wish I still had that hat.
~I use to watch Welcome Back Kotter every day after school and eat Mr. Noodles.

Free Porn! Now That I have your attention....

Does anyone remeber the scrambled-up porn they used to have on channel 88?
When I was 12, pre-illegal cable box days, I used to watch the scrambled up porn. Now, don't get all judgemental. Everyone did. I'm just the first to admit it.
I don't know why watched. I'd always mute it anyway, so my mom couldn't hear what was going on. And its not like I could really see anything. I'd just have to assume that there was something naughty going on. If it was a really bad (or good, however you look at it) scramble, you could see the outline of a penis or something, but that was it.
What is it about scrambled up porn that make people want to watch? I normally don't watch alot of porn, anyway. I find it kind of boring. I'm from Surrey, been there, done that. (I'm just kidding, by the way.)
Eventually, we got with the times and got one of those black boxes. My facination with the porn suddenly faded away. It was bizarre, once I could actually see what was going on, I lost interest.
Maybe it wasn't even about the porn itself, but the fact that it was forbidden. I'll never know.

Was this post too much information?

I don't care. Deal with it.

Drop Kick Your Jacket

Mr. Belvedere you rock my world. And I dont care who knows.
Basically I am sitting sloth like on my couch, and I got this overwhelming urge to listen to the Mr. Belvedere theme song. And no it didnt dissapoint.
Regardless of that did you know this show was on for 5 years, that blows my mind.
FIVE YEARS!
And now I will leave you with a steamy picture to get you through the night and the words to the theme song.



Streaks on the china,
never mattered before,
who cares.

When you dropped kicked your jacket
As you came through the door,
No one glared.

But sometimes things get turned around
And no one’s spared.

All hands look out below T
here’s a change in the status quo.
Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival
Life is more than mere survival
We just might live the good life yet.

Just One More

Okay so I dont want to make this all about 90210, but I put the DVD's on my Ziplist and have been watching the first season.
I am watching the episode where Dylan first kisses Brenda, you know after he gets in the fight with his father and then smashes the potted plant outside. Brenda freaks out and is all.
"Dylan your scaring me."
And he kisses her.
All I am wondering is how did Brenda get Dylan.
It doesnt make sense, he just wouldn't go for her. She is such a dweeb, or better yet A DIPSTICK.
Dylan could have any girl.....why would he choose whiney angsty pale Brenda?


On a side note does anyone remember when they were on the cover of Rolling Stone?
Its a effing music magazine for crying out loud, nice fucking band. Look at Brenda straddle her brother....yowza.

Breaking up is hard to do...

A couple of seconds ago, I had been reminded of that episode of 90210 where Brandon and Emily Valentine go to the rave and she slips him some E, and then his car gets trashed. Then they have to make that float and she shows up out of nowhere wearing his favourite shirt and then when he gets pissed off at her again, she flips out and burns their float down.
Talk about irrational.
And she wonders why he broke up with her.
Women.

Fadulous Is What I Call It

Blog buddy indeed!

I conqure about the fanny pack fad of the late eighties to early nineties, what were people thinking?
And then recently they thought they could bring them back and all the club-bunnies were sporting Louis Vuitton Fanny-paks and they were calling them "Bum Bag's" and I was like "I dont care what designer name you throw up on that fabric its still lame!" And girls the world over went clawing for my eyes.

There were a lot of Fad's that I didn't understand, but then there were the ones I totally got.

Like Mr. Noodles. Remember when you ate them dry and then the rumor went around that you would get worms if you ate them that way. And then I ate them more because I was trying to get a tape worm in hopes that I could shed a couple of LB's.
It didnt work, I didn't get a tape worm and I didn't loose weight, actually I just kept on gaining.


Another thing I never got. Colored pants.
And this is coming back I was in Urban Behaivor the other day (a store where if your over 21 you not allowed to go, they check your ID on the way in, and you cant get service and a large is really an extra small, and they put rhinestones and glitter on everything and the sixteen year old girl checking you out is sooooo slow she pops her gum and is like "yeah uhhh is this for you....grody", I have no idea why I was there upon reflection.) Anyways I saw yellow and purple jeans and I was like didnt designers learn there lesson in 92, that shits not right.

Oh Oh Oh, She's my covergirl.

Last night, I went over to my cousin Kelly's house and in anticipation of Friday's concert, she busted out her old New Kids on the Block VHS tapes.

I've never seen so many teenage boys wear so many fanny packs. Honestly, what were they carting around that necessitates a fanny pack? There's no excuse for a fanny pack. Unless you're a drug dealer or a 75 year old woman, there no excuse for a fanny pack. I don't care what year it was. They could quite possibly be the stupidest thing ever invented.

I'd like the see the boardroom meeting that they had when they came up with the idea of fanny Packs (because in my mind, everything is thought up/ invented in a boardroom by a bunch of suits. It's true, ask Tina).

"I got it! I've come up with a purse that you can wear around your - wait for it - WAIST!!!! LIKE A BELT!!!!!!! " And then all of the suits would look at each other, as if their minds have been blown. And then the CEO of Stupid Ideas Inc stands up and starts a slow clap, which eventually leads to a roaring applause by the rest of them. Out of nowhere, they start to play "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang. The champagne is flowing and Nancy from accounting gets drunk hooks up with the 19 year old mail room kid.

I had a Circus Circus Fanny pack when I was a kid. I could never wear it though, it was too small for me. Maybe if the person who went to Vegas should have actually thought, "Hey! Christene's quite the little butterball, I think I'll get her an adult sized fanny pack not this tiny tiny kids one, so she's not all embarrassed and has to wear it like a normal purse." What a horrifying thing for an 8 year old. No wonder I ate my feelings.

I once heard a that Donnie said that he wanted to meet all of the girls he pulled up onstage when he sang cover girl. Now, out of all the concert footage I've ever seen of him singing that song, the girls he pulled up basically looked the same. Around 7-8 years old, blond and cute.

He would have never pulled me on stage. First off, they would have needed to use a forklift. Again, I was the most vile, chubbiest kid. I only bathed every other week and had a sweet bowl cut. Everyone thought I was a boy.

I'm starting to think that he was pre-screening these girls.

Now, 18 years later, those girls are ripe for the picking. How convenient that he got divorced from his wife right before the New Kids went on tour. What a dirty old man. He thought he could get away with it too. Good thing I'm here with my little joint-blog with Tina (that no one reads but us and Rebs Rebs) to foil his plan.

I want Charles in Charge of me.

I love Scott Baio.

Young, studly, Scott Baio. Not Old, hairplugs Scott Baio. "Chachi" Scott Baio, not "45 and Single" Scott Baio.
Apparently, he was quite the stud back in the day. The ladies looooooooved him. And I don't blame them.

Look at him. Arms all crossed. How authoritative.
If I had that living in the basement, I'd never leave the house. I'm just saying. And, is that a banana down his pants?
You want to know something sad? I can still sing the "Charles in Charge" theme song word for word. That probably doesn't come as a shock to most of you. Theme songs are a talent of mine.

Apparently and I dont know if its true....

Not that I want to tread on Christeen's Legend or anything, but I have heard the exact same thing about Danny Divto. Could it be true? IS that little pecker packing some serious wood? I dont know....
For him it seriously would be a third leg.
Maybe its just big in comparison to the rest of him.


Once I went to Mugs and Jugs to watch a midget stripper and the thing is everything about her was small EXCEPT her head and her vag. It was fairly disturbing, and not in a good way

Legend Has it, that he's a legend.

Now, I only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night, so this may appear slighty crackish.

Quite some time ago, I heard an old Hollywood rumor that made this dirty old lady's ears perk up in interest.

According to insiders, 90210's Jason Priestley is one of the most well endowed men in Hollywood.

No wonder I liked him so much as a kid.

All kidding aside, I find this rumor kind of hard (hahhaha hard...nevermind) to swallow (hahahahahahahahah....again, nevermind.)

First of all, he's not the tallest dude out there. Compared to Steve Saunders, he's Matt Roloff. Now if someone was all like "Ian Ziering has the largest dong in the world", I'd believe them. I mean, look at his face. He must make up for his grotesqueness in at least one area, and why not the one area where it counts. Well, if you're Samanta from Sex and the City, it counts, but if you're a normal girl like myself, it's not the size of the boat that matters, it's the motion in the ocean. Was that too much information?

Secondly, I think I've seen the dude cross his legs like a lady, (I can't prove this, so don't ask me to.) which, from what I understand, the average male finds kind of difficult, let alone one with a larger than average plunker.

All this aside, I'm still slighty fascinated with Brandon Walsh's nether region.

Hearing this tidbit of juicy gossip prompted me to immediately dust off my copy of 90210 season 1, to do a little research, which basically came up fruitless. I paused and zoomed into his crotchetal area numerous times, at many many many different angles, and I'll admit, he did look like he was slightly packing. But let's be honest, it's nothing that a little panty stuffing wouldn't fix.

So, until I receive photographic evidence, (and if anyone has some, please send it this lonely old cougar's way) I'm going to go all Myth Busters style on this one consider this one busted.

Just Beat It

While bumping along in the Silver Chariot that promptly picks my ass up at 5:26AM, I come to realize that Michael Jackson is one scary dude.
Now what happened to him? Its one of the great anomalies of the world. He is almost the eighth wonder of the world.
What sort of shit was this kid put through?
I don't know. But now it pains me to look at him.
And what was with the hanging the baby out the window trick?
That's just not using your common sense.
No matter how Effed up the boy is you have to admit the man had some tunes.
With amazing lyrics and a pop-tastic beat that could only be created by a 1989 keyboard, how can you go wrong?
Tonight I want you to sit back, slip on Jacko's number ones and remember the boy before the creature. Remember that not so scary person who use to thrill us.
Just whatever you do don't think of the storey about how his nose fell off.
Yuck!

Creepy & Kooky

Who doesn't love the finger snapping theme song from the Addams Family?
No one. That's what I thought.
When I was a porky child I use to watch the Addams Family and The Munsters and I would debate over which family I would want to live with more. Granted the Addams Family had Lurch and Thing, which made them appealing to my nine year old brain, but The Munsters had Grandpa, and well lets just say Grandpa was the bomb. Not to mention they had that freak Marylin who just wanted to be more Munster like, I think I would have fit in better with them, they had the best car.

I was sad when Raul Julia died, and then the Addams family sequals had a different day. Lame.

Fred Gwynne kicks ass!

Hmmmm..

I always got Tim Curry and Raul Julia mixed up.
Am I the only one??

Meh, anyway.

Just A Sweet Transvetite

Since its October and we will be blessed with Halloween in just a couple of weeks I wanted to touch down on the subject of Tim Curry.


Is anyone else mildly attracted to this guy, such as I?


Every time I watch Rocky Horror I get hopeful that Dr Frank-N-Futer is a real person and one day I will get stuck in his house and they will dance and sing with me. Silly pipe dreams I know.


But this guy makes being a transvestite seem like a good idea.


Just deny that hes attractive....I dare you?



And then there was his young and fresh face in Clue, another of my T-Curry Faves.....Have you seen it? Why not? Go rent it you! Actually go buy it for 9.99 at future shop cause your going to love it anyways.....



Timmy really is living it large with the cult classics, and creeped out characters.....remember he was the Clown in the Sewer in"IT", and even though I follow the rule of never taking anything from a clown in the sewer if it was T-Curry down there I might bend my rules.

I Endorse Creepiness!

Nothing Like A Man In A Loin Cloth

(An excerpt from the slightly wrecked mind of a once greasy rat nest-hair girl from the flat lands of Surrey - Whalley to be exact)

Dear Brendan Fraser:

I've noticed you. I would like to let you know that when you wear a loin cloth it makes me need a cloth for my loin ( How inappropriate). Isn't it amazing t they gave you a couple of movies where you had to wear a little piece of cloth over your private parts, the cinema block buster Encino Man being my favorite all time. Whenever someone grunts near me and paints weird stick figures on walls with mud, I get a little overexcited. And then George of the Jungle. Though you were mind numbingly stupid in it you were still very pretty to look at.

Once upon a time, you were young and  soothed my most anxious nights. In your older age, I see you less, but I still revisit the days of yester-year which are chronologically categorized on my shelves - VHS to be exact - and watch what you were to me. A baby-faced boy, dancing across the days of my life. Poetic.

Mrs. Winterborn, Son In Law, Airheads, and another of my personal favorites School Ties, only allowed my bond to grow stronger. Here I sit, thinking about your career and wondering what happened. What went wrong?

Why is it you haven't done a good movie in forever? Is it because you started to go bald and you had to get hair plugs? I don't know. This is simply speculation.

I can only hope one day (soon?) you will tap into your money and get some plastic surgery and come back as the man I once knew - young, fresh and hip.

Until then I have my trusty vids to keep me warm.

Sincerely,
Tyson

 

SHUUUUUUUUUUUUSH.

Michael DeLuise is an amazing specimen of a man.

Well, back in 1993 he was.

SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH!!

On a side note, Brendan Fraser is still hot, even though he's balding.

Gonzagas.

Its Wahlberg-Mania

I see where your coming from, there is nothing more un-nerving then a man showing you the helicopter while he is sweating up a storm, wearing nothing but a bow-tie and saying things like "This is a treat just for you special lady"...I have only once seen a male stripper and though some women flock to see the sausage unwrapped I like to see penis' exactly where they should be under Cotton, then under jeans, securely wrapped snug and safe away from my delicate eyes....its doesn't seem to matter how old (or wiser) I get I still have a fear of getting my eye poked out by some guy named Hot Rod's dink.

And what is with the ladies? All sense of rational thinking gets tossed willy-nilly out the window, and all of a sudden Maggie, mother of two married for ten years and kindergarten teacher, is putting fives down her shirt trying to get the greasy haired spanish dish Marco "The Taco Pleaser" Lopez to pull them out with his teeth, while she screams "Give me the burrito you spicy thaaaaaaaaaaannng". But I digress, what I really wanted to make a note about was Christene's mention of lusting after the illustrious Donnie Wahlberg.

I never wasted my time liking anyone else, I was hip to the bad boy long before any fat ratty haired 7 year old around...it was as though I had a bad boy-dar....maybe it was when Donnie would curse during interviews and they would have to beep it out that first opened my eyes, but I was hooked...but then something better came along, it was 1991 one and a chubby-cheeked girl in spandex pants and her mothers Yosemite Sam t-shirt (me) caught a glimpse at something better....

Marky Mark and the funky bunch....you can have the funky bunch, give me the Marky Mark!

If Donnie was the "bad-boy" then Marky Mark taught him everything he new and saved the majority for himself....he was bad to the mother f-ing bone..and he had that great Boston accent we all know and love but most likely it was because he always had his shirt off, which to this day still sends me in a dizzy. Thank you Calvin Klein you made my youth much much easier

I remember taping video of Mark doing push-ups on a chair and rewinding it and watching it 8 billion times....lets all say it together before I go "Mark Wahlberg was, is and always will be a God"......

I've got some good vibrations for you Mark!

N.K.O.T-Weeeeeee!!

Now, this has been quite the year for the comebacks.
I, for one, could not be happier.
It seems as if they're bringing back everything I remember from my childhood, which, sadly, makes me feel old and kind of pathetic.
I'm kind of like the scuzzy middle aged lady who frequents Chicago Tonight only for their "Ladies Night" thinking she has a chance with 'Stallion', the stripper who dresses up like a cowboy.
You know, night clubs never have those ladies nights with the male strippers any more. What happened? My friend Kristyl and I once went to the Mirage too early on a Friday night (for those not in the know, the Mirage held their "ladies night" every friday) back when we were 19 and were treated to quite the sausage show. We never made that mistake again. No wonder I waited so long to lose my virginity (I also had no real offers, but that's beside the point). These grown men, pranced around while droves of sex-deprived middle-aged women screamed things like "Shake it for Momma!"

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, comebacks.

I, for one, am most happy to see the New Kids back in action.
I loved those crazy little bastards.
I wanted to marry Joe McIntyre. Maybe it was the hat he used to wear with the cut-out on the top so his curls could spill out.
Perhaps that is the root of my fascination of curly haired men....Damn you, Joe McIntyre!
At one point, I was so obsessed with New Kids, I used to fantasize about joining the band.
What purpose would I serve in the band? I'd be this awkward, chubby 8 year old girl just standing there. I would be just like Atlas from Catwalk. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catwalk_(TV_series)
(Ahhhh Catwalk...There's a show they should re-make.

What was I thinking?

All the time I was all about the Joe, I could have been lusting after Donnie. Now, there's a man you can sink your teeth into. He was all motorcycles and mullets.

Badass. If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Stop Right Now, Before We Go Any Further

With such hits as Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad, I'd Do Anything For Love But I Wont Do That and Paradise By The Dashboard Lights, you have to assume that everyone on the planet has the same appreciation for Meatloaf as I do. Not only are his songs chalked full of amazing lyrics, melodic vocals and soothing rhythms, but look at his HAIR! And he always wears a dress shirt with the buttons undone....that sweaty beast, he is mind blowing. I always stare in awe when a man with that sort of girth hauls ass around a stage....

This man delivers in everything he has his hand in....watching one of his music videos is an assault for all your senses. Especially I'd Do Anything For Love, its all towers and motorcycle and white linen....everything that makes a truly good video.

And hes an actor....Eddie in Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Tiny in Wayne's World....and lets not forget the Robert Paulson in Fight Club....

Dude takes the words right out of my mouth......

On the other hand Meatloaf as a food is comforting and why is it that all the comforting foods are considered a poor peoples food....like Chili, macaroni and cheese, and baked beans and hot dogs?

Better Dressed, And Here To Impress

Though its true I like my men like a fine wine, (and Christene I know you too can appreciate a fine wine), I also found the appeal of AC Slater....oh Mario Lopez how happy I am you found work after Save By the Bell....and Christene you ask who dresses sharper then AC well I would like to cast my vote for best dressed too Joey Jeramiah...no one has ever made denim vests and fedoras more attractive then Joey...be still my beating heart.... And when did tying bandannas around your upper arm or leg go out of style? A quarter past NEVER.

A close runner up behind Joey (and this is all in my humblest opinion) is Uncle Jesse...you know him, and you love him.

How heart breaking was it when he actually settle down with that bitch Rebecca?

My eleven year old heart was never the same after the baby back ribs baby carrot episode....

But Uncle Jessie had style...its true tight black jeans still give me hot flashes....and then I find myself thinking back to Jesse and the Rippers crooning 'Forever' to me whilst I lay on my bed in my over sized goofy t-shirt and spandex pants, eats my mothers baking chocolate...YIKES.

Did anyone ever notice how Jesse Katsopolis hair could rival Heather Lockliers circa 1979?

AC Slater and Christian Slater, Separated at Birth?

I like Christian Slater, and I agree, Tina, no one deserves a comeback more than him.
However, don't get me wrong, but Christian Slater kind of comes off as a greasy old man to me. Even when he was in his 20's he still seemed old. Perhaps that's his appeal. I don't know.
As a young child, I questioned his appeal, as a 27 year old woman, I find his old-greasiness somewhat intriguing, kind of like a plate of devilled eggs left out for like 6 hours at a party. You're not sure if you should eat them and they could make you sick, but they just look so interesting, you just can't resist.
However, i'm not sure if I'm the best person to judge anyone's attractiveness, considering that I have the sex appeal of a Middle Aged, frequent Bingo playing, chain smoking, Surrey Mother who screams at her children to "Shut the Hell up! I'm watching My Stories!" I know you're all thinking it, I'm just keepin' it real. Beeotches. (I'm so street.)
While Tina liked her men a little on the pension-y side, I prefered mine innocent looking. The type of man you could take home to Moms and Pops, the kind of guy who'd never forget to say please and thank you. (It's funny, 'cause the man I married uses the F-word as a noun, go figure.)
And before I forget to touch down on the subject, I think the fact that AC Slater and Christian Slater have the same last name is a coincience. Or they could be related.





AC slater had the best wardrobe. Cut off mesh shirts, acid wash jeans, wrestling uniforms. Whenever he wanted to get a little fancy, he rocked a silk, teal shirt. I don't know anyone else in the entire world who dressed as sharp as AC.

Lift that stool, flex those muscles.

So I Smell A Come-back?

As a chubby awkward thirteen year old I would sit on my bed and watch the opening scene of Kuffs over and over again....You know the scene, the one where Christian Slater is dancing around half naked to "The Futures So Bright I got To Wear Shades" (by Timbuk 3). I am not too sure what it is about C-Slate, maybe its the cool hair, or the sexy voice, the hot body....I can't pin point it but still 11 years later I am still drawn the to charismatic little fucker...

It seemed when Christian was young he was given the cream of the crop of movies, such amazing films like Pump Up The Volume, Heathers, Kuffs, Untamed Hearts, Very Bad Things and Bed of Roses....but then something happened....something called the millennium...no seriously the dude hasn't done a good film since the year 2000....And it saddens me to no end.

Well now its 2008 and I have been itching for a Christian Slater come back for years...I need to feast my eyes on the face I once knew by memory and the TV gods have complied and have delivered forth My Own Worst Enemy(a new TV show featuring the one and only Slater)....I am hoping its good and shoots C-Slate back to fame and fortune so that I can see him shirtless more....
(On a side note do you think the creator of Saved By The Bell loved Christian Slater and that's why they gave AC his last name Slater?)